A difficult decision

My mother came over earlier and ask me to help find a cheap nursing home for my uncle ( Her oldest brother )

He had an accident a couple of years ago and since then , hadn't been able to move around much by himself. My mother says that he had been going downhill these couple of weeks. And his wife is so tired of cleaning after him. I wasn't too shocked by the way things turn out but still being asked for advise at this moment, it came as a little tremor.

I came up with a few alternatives

1, Hire a live in maid so that my auntie ( His wife) can take turns to look after and thus relieving her of some burdens.

2, A day care with transport can also relieve my auntie of the daytime duties, allowing her some rest in the daytime.

3, A full time nursing home.

I had a chat with my cousin and he too, is in a dilemma. He feels that if he will to put his father in a full time nursing home, my uncle might feel abandoned. Which is quite true. As I had faced the same predicament a year ago. It was such an agonising decision for me that I refused to take part in. I had actually dragged my mother with me to the doctor's meeting. She had try to shunned her responsibilities and pushed it to me. In the end, I was still the one faced with the task of breaking the news to him. I was so teary that words practically failed me. My father was the brisk one who brushed me off with making the decision himself.

My cousin is all more for sending him to a day care. I promised to check out the one run by Amber's school. They are all under YWCA management.

I will fill in the rest once I got more info.

Last year this time

Last few weeks had been quite a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. Maybe it is also the weather gettiing to me. It had been so hot for the past weeks that I felt that I am melting. So of course I have exploded a few times.
Going back to last year this time, or rather today last year would be the day that I send off my father on his last journey. I have been trying to recap what was happening on the everyday's events. Most times, I still weep a little because maybe I hadn't truly come to terms with him really gone for good. Some time, I still feel that he will come to my bedroom to see what was I doing, and some nights, I thought I do feel him around, in my semi sleeping state.
I guess I will never come to that peacefulness realm, regarding his passing. Each time I think of it, there is still a certain dull ache inside me. As i had posted on my facebook on 20thMay ( My father would have turned 67 )

" Time may have passed since we last say goodbye. The ache still linger but is no longer piercing through. Instead, a dull pain is all that remains. Everyday, I try to think a little lesser of u, it is hard but I am learning. On this very day, I hope u know that I remember. Happy birthday to u "


It is true, I am thinking lesser of him, and the pain is no longer that intense but thinking lesser doesn't mean the ache will go away. I think it will stay with me forever although I can't guarantee that I will remember much when I am in an old and dementia state. lol SO I would be better off writing this down and re reading it whenever I like.

I went to Mandai on Sunday with my brother. My father's niche looks so dirty with ashes all over. A case of spillover from Qing Ming festival ( The Chinese remembrance month ) I had to clean a few times before I got it clean and shiny again. I think if he is able to feel again, he would have been appalled at the state of his photo! At my next visit I would have to remember to buy new plastic flwers for my grand parents niche too as I had gotten them nice pink cherry blosoms but alas it, too got attacked by the over zealous ashes from offerings. Now it is looking quite sad!
My brother placed the fresh flowers onto the allocated spot. I had derouted to my girlfriend;s niche first to placed some flowers as it would have been her 1 year anniversary departure too. I walked into my brither's crying. When he realised that I was around, he quickly sniffed and pretend that he is having a cold. I don't know what to make out of this. But perhaps, a tad too late. If he had paid more attention to my father then, maybe , just maybe ..... it would have been so much better for them.

Loss for words

I had a huge fight with my mother last night. She accused me of not daring to face her. I was like, what? What is there not able to face her? What have I done wrong again? , I shoot back I told her what is it that I have done that I dare not faced her? Her accusations came out fast and furious. She said I had used the money that my dad left to renovate, that I had use it for my personal means! I was furious! What the hell was she talking about? I already told her before that the renovations was paid for my FIL. And it was already in progress, long way before my dad had entrusted the money to me. The project got delayed because of materials arrivals, my dad's sickness and of course, logistics. Why had she distorted all these and in her sick mind, it became very clear to her that I had 'used' the money. I screamed at her. I wasn't going to take this lying down, why should I let her scream at me? I am capable of retaliating. That I am ashamed to admit but it was the case last night! I was so angry that I could have throttled her to death and not feel remorse. that was how angry I am. I told her she is mad and that she should go and see a doctor!
I slammed the gate and left her place. I guess this is it. This is the last straw! I had enough of it. I wonder why my own mother is like that? Why she like to distort the truth? Why is she out to make life miserable for me?
Actually I half guess in my mind, I know the reason for her outburst! I think she wants to pissed me off, so that I will just throw the bank book at her face and give her what she wants. She had always wants to be in control and she do not like it when she realised that my dad had opened a bank account with me. I wanted to scream at her and tell her straight in her face, that she was the evil one. She was the one who had benefited from his death! If he had wanted to let her be in charge of the money, he would have done so, long ago. Instead I am the executor of this! All because of her obsession with money! And honestly speaking, it is not as if she had never been conned out of her life time saving by her so called friends, so what if I had really taken the money? At least I am her own daughter! She is forever calculative with me! But towards others, she is forever tolerant! And will make excuses for herself and others but never me!
My cousin,her nephew stayed in her house for years, he did not pay rent. He is a flight attendant who is entitled to free air travel! Why don't I see him taking her for holidays?Or paying her rent? And why doesn't she make noise about it, there is not even a slight whine from her. She hates dogs yet she let him keep a dog at home! What are all these?
I called my sis after the fight! I called her a fucking bitch! Yes! That is what she is. And I am not sorry that I called her names! Because in my heart, she has already deteriorated to this. It feels like she is out for my throat and she is not my mother anymore. I cried, not because I am angry, but I came to realised that I am no body's child now. As I later put it out on my FB, I am an orphan now.
Honestly I should have seen this coming! I knew what type of a person she is, and what she will do to get her way! I grew up, with embarrassment, She like to shoot off her mouth, regardless whether she knew the person or not, she just likes to blah out personal things. She never realised that it had been a major sore point and being her children, we have never like to be seen in public with her.
I pitied my dad who had to put up with her for years! I am not surprised that she was the main reason why he fell so sick! Studies had proven that if U are unhappy for a long period of time, the tendency of developing cancer tumours are very high! My dad must have regretted his marriage. He wrote letters and I had read it after his death,. It torn me apart , to know he was in so much agony. He must have find it painful but he put up with her because of us. I do not know why he wrote those letters and kept it in his suitcase. I don't think he mean to let us know but how how, fate works in mysterious ways. As i reread those letters, I cried and cried. And I guess this is also part of the reason why I never get over his death!The only reason I could come up with was because my grandfather had dementia and it was hereditary, so my guess was my dad wrote all these down to remind himself of the difficult times and perhaps also to remember. I hate her. I used to think that I should try to get along with her, for the sake that she is my mother and I had wanted to give her the best that I could afford. But time after time, she has destroyed my hopes and goals. i often asked myself why is it so difficult about spending time with her, Why can't we go out and have tea and talk about anything under the sun? Why isn't she the one that will come to my mind whenever I need comfort or support? I knew her reaction will always be " I told U so!" She will never offer her arms or her ears to listen. And she will forever go on and on about her cleverness in foretelling or knowing the end results. I put up with it, because I am always hopeful. I always hope that one day she will be like others' mummies and we will have a sort of normal mother and daughter's relationship. But this time it is different, I am mot even angry anymore. I just given up hope. This time round, she has crossed the line. Honestly I don't see us making up after this. For she had insulted me, she had very bluntly said I am dishonest and am a thief so therefore I am not at liberal to forgive her.

Hellos and Good Byes

My mother came back 2 nights ago and announced with a choked voice, Aunt Po Chu ( A distant relative) had died. I did not hear much of the details, mainly my mum often gets her facts wrong and while she was saying it, she got emotional and some of the words, I couldn't hear.
Later in the night, I remarked to T that when in my 20s, I would often get notifications of weddings and arrivals of little pattering feet but now in my 30s, I start getting notices of " Departures".
Last year, I said good bye not only to my father, I also said good byes to 2 of my friends.
This year alone, I already had 2 notifications of "Departures" Life is really very fragile. Aunt Po Chu looks healthy and was healthy til beginning of the year. The last time, I saw her was at my father's funeral wake and she had even spend a night at my mum's place. She was robust and very much at peace with herself.
As I saw her again, lying in the white coffin, She still looks the same and very very much at peace. I think she had searched and found the peace. It was a simple wake, She had baptised in Dec 09. So the ceremony would have been what she wanted, which is very important. My mother did not see it this way. She felt Aunt Po Chu had bailed out and chose the 'ang moh' way. As she often said, what is so great about Christianity? They do not shed tears not mourned. We are Chinese and should get a traditional send off. But her thinking are all wrong. Who says Christians do not feel the pain, shed tears nor mourned the passing of a beloved. they do but they also believed that when it is their turn, their early departed relatives or beloved would be waitng for them, with their arms wide open. this is what was promised. And forever they shall have eternal life.

Chinese New Year

Chinese new year had always been a quiet affair for my own family since I was young. I remembered following my mum's to People's Park, and see her haggling prices with those shop owners selling dried foodstuff. I will always remember those smells. Till now, whenever I walked past shops selling dried seafood, it always fills me up with those memories of CNY.
In my old house, We never really set down for a proper dinner. There wasn't a proper dinning table. the lone table that we have in the kitchen is always full. And being young, we were always fed early for dinner. By the time my father came home, we would already had our dinner already. Even for CNY reunion dinner, I can't recalled waiting for my dad and sitting down for that special dinner at all. But usually after he had dinner, we would all make a trip to Chinatown to catch the exciting spirits of CNY
It was only after we moved to a new place then we started having reunion dinners together. To me, even though it was only 1 time a year but it was fun. And I remember my father cracking corny jokes. And it would be followed by a trip to Chinatown. When I was young, I would followed my parents, then as I became a teenager it became uncool. So I stopped going, my younger sis would follow them instead. If she did not go, my father would make the trip by himself. And he would always walked home after CNY had been rang in. He enjoyed the walk and perhaps, it allowed him to immersed in his own dreams and thoughts too. He had never missed a year, not in my memory.
This year, CNY is just not the same. He couldn't make the trip to Chinatown anymore, of course. Weeks before CNY,I felt like bursting into tears very often that I was annoyed with myself. I cried in front of his final resting place. I cried in my sleep. Every time I remember him, I can feel my tears coming out. It feels like I was having a massive heart break. I keep lamenting to my sis that it is so different without him here.There are no fresh CNY decorations, the house has not been dust. In fact, it doesn't really feel like it was going to be CNY soon.
My FB status of that week was " Happy New Year to You. Are You aware that it is CNY?" I had went to Mandai on Friday. My siblings went on Saturday, day of the reunion dinner. I wrote a note to my father and my sis had burned it. I hope he got it as we had written that it was CNY and want him to come home
And the day of the reunion dinner came, He was sorely missed. I missed his corny jokes, I missed the bantering, I missed having him around. Everything was just wrong. He wasn't at his usual sitting place. I quickly excused myself after a while. I couldn't bear it much longer. As my siblings drank wine at my side, I asked my sister whether she thinks he got the note or not? She shrugged and told me that there was someone who had sobbed when he was at Mandai earlier in the day. I hope some day that someone would make more effort and go see him more often and not only when prompt. I think my father would be happy
.

Failure! But I hope there is still enough time to change. (part 1)

The resolution to try get along with my mother hadn't exactly take off or happen yet as there are times when I try but she will say something that makes me mad Or she will try but I don't have the patience or mood to reciprocate.
But then in Jan, 1 of my friend's mom collapsed from no apparent aliment and died on the route to hospital. That sort of shake me up a bit.
I got a call from my friend one evening. She was in tears and her words were all falling and jumping out, making them not audible. I had to slow her down before I managed to make any sense out of it.
Her mother had collapsed at the foot of her flat. She had complained of stomach pains in the late morning or early afternoon. So my friend's elder brother was going to bring their mother to a nearby GP. As they were making their way down, she realised that she had left her prescription or ID at home and ask her son to go up and locate it. In the meantime, she will wait for him at the staircase. He couldn't find it and went back to look for his mom. He found her lying down at the foot of the staircase, unconscious. He then hurriedly calls for an ambulance but they could not revived her.
By the time my friend was informed, her mother was gone. And the last time she seen the mother was 2 months ago. I will not go into details as it would be too judgemental. And who am I to judge? I was no saint myself.
Among us, we scurried around my friend for the next few days. Amid the emotions and actions, my friend found out the reason for her mother's sudden demise. She had suffered an heart attack. She never had this before or maybe my friend did not know. It suddenly dawned on me, that do we have an expiry date? And if we do, will we want to know when? And if we know, will we enjoy life to it's fullest and give it our best shot in everything we do or sit around whole day, moping and feeling scared? And when our time is up, will we ever feel that this is it and come to terms with it?
Or we do not know when, but when our time is up, we will just drop dead! Will it be easier this way? I asked one of my close friend K who was with me. We couldn't find the perfect answer. Either way, was not good enough.
As we send off the dead, K called her own mother and burst into tears, as she was telling her mother that she will want her own mother to outlive her as she will never ever muster up enough strength to go on living without her mother. I was envious. I also secretly wish I will pick up the phone and tell my mother the same thing. But I couldn't gather enough courage to do so and thus might have missed a good chance to patch things up with my mother
Days after the incident, I keep telling myself I had to treat my mother better. Well, I am still trying and I guess I will continue to remind myself to try harder

Lazy, Lazy, lazy! Need i say more?

Again hasn't been keeping up with writing. Had been real lazy. So just a quick recap and I will try to write more based on the points written.


1, Resolution to get along better with my mother - Hasn't exactly been a resounding success.
2, Resolution to be try to be more patient and not have to lapse into shouting matches at home - Failed
3, Resolution to cook more at home - Slight success.
4, Try to convince Ryan that he is not a suitable candidate to rear pets - Absolute success.
5, Find a suitable school for Amber so I can go back to work- no success yet but I will be bringing her to work til there is an vacancy for her.

Friends? MIA

These 2 weeks there had been a nagging voice inside me. Maybe it was saying goodbye to a old year and saying hello to a new year fills me with a lot of emotions. I had been trying to keep track of some old friends but apparently or strangely, it had been hard.I can't seem to get hold of any of them. And they more or less belong to the same cliche. I can't help but being suspicious. Are they avoiding me? But I can't figure out where did I done wrong, if they are avoiding me? I am usually careful with my words and mindful of my actions towards my friends. As I try to back track and figure out where I gone wrong, I can't help but wonder about an incident that happen about 5mths ago.
Let's call her X. She texted me out of the blue 1 day,asking me to take her in. I was stunned for a while but recovered composure to ask her what is wrong? She had been kicked out of the apartment she was sharing with her boyfriend. They broke up for a couple of reasons which I shall not elaborate further. After listening to her, I told her very gently that I can't put her for too long as I have intentions to renovate my place, my sis will need a place to stay when she comes back for her vacations and generally I have kids at home so it could be inconvenient.
I thought we ended quite amicably as she seem to understand and digest what I said pretty well. Since that fateful call, I hadn't heard from her, well not quite voluntarily. I have to call her a few times before she would answer my calls. She said she had been busy.
So I couldn't help but wonder whether is it be that she had been avoiding me and complaining to anyone who will listen to her. Seriously I am tempted to find out what is wrong. Maybe I should. After all she owe me her life. Maybe I will call her when day breaks. Alright! To be continued ...

Project compeletion?? Well, almost there

One of the main reason that I hadn't been writing regularly was my house was under going renovations for the past few months. It had been a long long process and although the time taken had been extraordinary long, I was pretty pleased with the end results. That I have to thank my PILS because if not for their generosity, I will never be able to achieved it.
All of it was paid for my PILs. A lot of the raw materials, accessories were all bought in China where my FIL likes to be most of the time. But I must say, I was embarrassed to take advantage of their generosity. And was in constant reminder to myself not to exceed the budget given. Everything was discussed with my FIL, and relay to my MIL.
As I sat in my dining area the other night, I was happy. Well, in my little heaven. Until, 1 of my friend's wife who happen to be also an ID. I did ask her to quote me but as her quote was much higher and FIL wasn't familiar with her work, we gave the project to another ID who worked with us on my walk in and cupboards in my rooms and also @ pasir panjang. She belong to the Romantic types who would filled a space with lace and velvet! ( Not exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for light, airy and space for the 2 kids) Anyway she came over that night, she scrutinised and turn her little nose at my tiles and toilet accessories. (They came from China). She also find fault with my wood laminates. She insisted that she had never seen this pattern before, And although it looks nice, she is not sure where it is from as she had never see it, therefore it might be from China!. She falls short of saying SUBSTANDARD. She says she never likes using stuff from China as they never meet her requirements, poor quality , not worth the trouble blah blah blah
To me, it doesn't matter where they came from as long as the standard was there. Made in China 's products could be high quality too as long as U are willing to pay. There is always a market for good quality. After all China had been producing 90% of the world's consumables so I honestly feel what I have is on par for quality. And most importantly, it is through my PIL's generous and giving nature that enable me to transform it to my dream hang out. That I will forever be grateful and remember. No other people's opinions matter to me nor dampens my mood. And I feel if U are my friend, then U should rejoice with me, instead of picking on it. This is definitely one of the qualities that I look for in a friend

New year, New hope and New begining

1st day of the year. Let me start by recounting the old year. I remember my wish for last year was for my dad to go through chemo successfully and better results for Ryan. Alas, both did not came through. Friends and family members had let me down. I felt like I was shouldering the whole world! I dread calls coming through my mobile. I had difficulty sleeping which is very very seldom. I feel like I was living in a world of my own (well, most times. Especially when I walked back from the hospital after visiting my father)
My dad succumbed to his illness in May. It was difficult for me to get used to the idea that he wasn't going to be around anymore. I was miserable although I wasn't sure whether is it normal to feel this way or was I exaggerating my pain? Was it bitterness directed at my mother or was it self pity? Bitterness because of the way my mother had treated my father before and after his death. The things she did and said to others that make me felt very repulsive towards her. Self pity for myself as my father was no longer here with me and couldn't hear me grumble or nag. I told myself I am too young to lose my father! The things he would have said to me, and do for me, the visits to his doctors, and perhaps his corny jokes etc.... Oh, before I forgot, his afternoon karaoke sessions. All these and so much more.
Ryan did not do as well as I had hoped. Although it was disappointing, I had since reconciled to it. At least he did not do as badly as he would have if given his choice! I will be spending even lesser time with him in 2010 as I will be going back to work. Hopefully he will grow up a little and study a bit more. He could have achieved so much better if he would just put his head down to studying a little harder. And Ryan! if U happen to be reading, I hope U will understand I have so much hope for U. I still do and U can do it if U are willingly to.
Although I hated and dread the idea of Amber going to school so young, I guess there is no better way as there are no other choices or options left. When they bought the subject up in Sept, I was originally led to believed that the kids would be taken care of by my PILS. As put across during that meeting, BIL said that since they would both be available, they would look after the 2 kids. naturally I felt better. I said that would be most ideal as Ryan is having PSLE and if there was someone to nag him ,at least I can be sure that he will study. and also his tuitons, I would need them to ferry him if necessary. That wasn't the best that I can come up with but at least I feel I can trust MIL. Anyway, throughout that meeting, PILS did not say anything at all. They just start there stony faced, which I found it puzzling, given MIL's 'spicy' loud character. It is surprising that she said nothing. Anyway to cut a story short, 2 mths after that, she asked me why am I not and when am I putting Amber to full day child care? Honestly even though I have half suspect that she is not willing to play the role of the doting grandma. I was still hit. I replied I actually has no intention to put her through full day child care. I want her to just go for half day lessons. And also with full day childcare, there is higher cost to it. She told me not in these exact words but something like she would not be able to do that. Blah Blah Blah. And it is best Amber goes to a full day as she would be able to learn instead of doing nothing at home etc. The list came loud and fast. So in short, no one to lie back on. As I let out a grumble to T that night. I said I wasn't actually upset at anyone in particular but at the way things turn out. It hit me BIL did not discuss anything with PILS prior to talking to me. He was acting out his eldest son's role. He wanted his parents to retired from work completely. He took for granted that his parents will take care of their only 2 grandkids but it is only his own personal thinking and they would not. It is so him. I felt I had raised my hopes too fast and too high. I had been naive to believe in that instant that I could rely on others. So perhaps I was upset with myself! Of course, given FIL's wanderlust character and MIL's unwillingness to settle into domestic goddess. I am left with no other options.
As the year draws to a close, I asked myself whether am I looking forward to a brand new year, a new house decor, a job and Ryan's incoming PSLE. Honestly I am not too sure. But I cannot not look forward and wish for the best. So wish me luck