My mother came back 2 nights ago and announced with a choked voice, Aunt Po Chu ( A distant relative) had died. I did not hear much of the details, mainly my mum often gets her facts wrong and while she was saying it, she got emotional and some of the words, I couldn't hear.
Later in the night, I remarked to T that when in my 20s, I would often get notifications of weddings and arrivals of little pattering feet but now in my 30s, I start getting notices of " Departures".
Last year, I said good bye not only to my father, I also said good byes to 2 of my friends.
This year alone, I already had 2 notifications of "Departures" Life is really very fragile. Aunt Po Chu looks healthy and was healthy til beginning of the year. The last time, I saw her was at my father's funeral wake and she had even spend a night at my mum's place. She was robust and very much at peace with herself.
As I saw her again, lying in the white coffin, She still looks the same and very very much at peace. I think she had searched and found the peace. It was a simple wake, She had baptised in Dec 09. So the ceremony would have been what she wanted, which is very important. My mother did not see it this way. She felt Aunt Po Chu had bailed out and chose the 'ang moh' way. As she often said, what is so great about Christianity? They do not shed tears not mourned. We are Chinese and should get a traditional send off. But her thinking are all wrong. Who says Christians do not feel the pain, shed tears nor mourned the passing of a beloved. they do but they also believed that when it is their turn, their early departed relatives or beloved would be waitng for them, with their arms wide open. this is what was promised. And forever they shall have eternal life.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Chinese New Year
Chinese new year had always been a quiet affair for my own family since I was young. I remembered following my mum's to People's Park, and see her haggling prices with those shop owners selling dried foodstuff. I will always remember those smells. Till now, whenever I walked past shops selling dried seafood, it always fills me up with those memories of CNY.
In my old house, We never really set down for a proper dinner. There wasn't a proper dinning table. the lone table that we have in the kitchen is always full. And being young, we were always fed early for dinner. By the time my father came home, we would already had our dinner already. Even for CNY reunion dinner, I can't recalled waiting for my dad and sitting down for that special dinner at all. But usually after he had dinner, we would all make a trip to Chinatown to catch the exciting spirits of CNY
It was only after we moved to a new place then we started having reunion dinners together. To me, even though it was only 1 time a year but it was fun. And I remember my father cracking corny jokes. And it would be followed by a trip to Chinatown. When I was young, I would followed my parents, then as I became a teenager it became uncool. So I stopped going, my younger sis would follow them instead. If she did not go, my father would make the trip by himself. And he would always walked home after CNY had been rang in. He enjoyed the walk and perhaps, it allowed him to immersed in his own dreams and thoughts too. He had never missed a year, not in my memory.
This year, CNY is just not the same. He couldn't make the trip to Chinatown anymore, of course. Weeks before CNY,I felt like bursting into tears very often that I was annoyed with myself. I cried in front of his final resting place. I cried in my sleep. Every time I remember him, I can feel my tears coming out. It feels like I was having a massive heart break. I keep lamenting to my sis that it is so different without him here.There are no fresh CNY decorations, the house has not been dust. In fact, it doesn't really feel like it was going to be CNY soon.
My FB status of that week was " Happy New Year to You. Are You aware that it is CNY?" I had went to Mandai on Friday. My siblings went on Saturday, day of the reunion dinner. I wrote a note to my father and my sis had burned it. I hope he got it as we had written that it was CNY and want him to come home
And the day of the reunion dinner came, He was sorely missed. I missed his corny jokes, I missed the bantering, I missed having him around. Everything was just wrong. He wasn't at his usual sitting place. I quickly excused myself after a while. I couldn't bear it much longer. As my siblings drank wine at my side, I asked my sister whether she thinks he got the note or not? She shrugged and told me that there was someone who had sobbed when he was at Mandai earlier in the day. I hope some day that someone would make more effort and go see him more often and not only when prompt. I think my father would be happy
.
In my old house, We never really set down for a proper dinner. There wasn't a proper dinning table. the lone table that we have in the kitchen is always full. And being young, we were always fed early for dinner. By the time my father came home, we would already had our dinner already. Even for CNY reunion dinner, I can't recalled waiting for my dad and sitting down for that special dinner at all. But usually after he had dinner, we would all make a trip to Chinatown to catch the exciting spirits of CNY
It was only after we moved to a new place then we started having reunion dinners together. To me, even though it was only 1 time a year but it was fun. And I remember my father cracking corny jokes. And it would be followed by a trip to Chinatown. When I was young, I would followed my parents, then as I became a teenager it became uncool. So I stopped going, my younger sis would follow them instead. If she did not go, my father would make the trip by himself. And he would always walked home after CNY had been rang in. He enjoyed the walk and perhaps, it allowed him to immersed in his own dreams and thoughts too. He had never missed a year, not in my memory.
This year, CNY is just not the same. He couldn't make the trip to Chinatown anymore, of course. Weeks before CNY,I felt like bursting into tears very often that I was annoyed with myself. I cried in front of his final resting place. I cried in my sleep. Every time I remember him, I can feel my tears coming out. It feels like I was having a massive heart break. I keep lamenting to my sis that it is so different without him here.There are no fresh CNY decorations, the house has not been dust. In fact, it doesn't really feel like it was going to be CNY soon.
My FB status of that week was " Happy New Year to You. Are You aware that it is CNY?" I had went to Mandai on Friday. My siblings went on Saturday, day of the reunion dinner. I wrote a note to my father and my sis had burned it. I hope he got it as we had written that it was CNY and want him to come home
And the day of the reunion dinner came, He was sorely missed. I missed his corny jokes, I missed the bantering, I missed having him around. Everything was just wrong. He wasn't at his usual sitting place. I quickly excused myself after a while. I couldn't bear it much longer. As my siblings drank wine at my side, I asked my sister whether she thinks he got the note or not? She shrugged and told me that there was someone who had sobbed when he was at Mandai earlier in the day. I hope some day that someone would make more effort and go see him more often and not only when prompt. I think my father would be happy
.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Failure! But I hope there is still enough time to change. (part 1)
The resolution to try get along with my mother hadn't exactly take off or happen yet as there are times when I try but she will say something that makes me mad Or she will try but I don't have the patience or mood to reciprocate.
But then in Jan, 1 of my friend's mom collapsed from no apparent aliment and died on the route to hospital. That sort of shake me up a bit.
I got a call from my friend one evening. She was in tears and her words were all falling and jumping out, making them not audible. I had to slow her down before I managed to make any sense out of it.
Her mother had collapsed at the foot of her flat. She had complained of stomach pains in the late morning or early afternoon. So my friend's elder brother was going to bring their mother to a nearby GP. As they were making their way down, she realised that she had left her prescription or ID at home and ask her son to go up and locate it. In the meantime, she will wait for him at the staircase. He couldn't find it and went back to look for his mom. He found her lying down at the foot of the staircase, unconscious. He then hurriedly calls for an ambulance but they could not revived her.
By the time my friend was informed, her mother was gone. And the last time she seen the mother was 2 months ago. I will not go into details as it would be too judgemental. And who am I to judge? I was no saint myself.
Among us, we scurried around my friend for the next few days. Amid the emotions and actions, my friend found out the reason for her mother's sudden demise. She had suffered an heart attack. She never had this before or maybe my friend did not know. It suddenly dawned on me, that do we have an expiry date? And if we do, will we want to know when? And if we know, will we enjoy life to it's fullest and give it our best shot in everything we do or sit around whole day, moping and feeling scared? And when our time is up, will we ever feel that this is it and come to terms with it?
Or we do not know when, but when our time is up, we will just drop dead! Will it be easier this way? I asked one of my close friend K who was with me. We couldn't find the perfect answer. Either way, was not good enough.
As we send off the dead, K called her own mother and burst into tears, as she was telling her mother that she will want her own mother to outlive her as she will never ever muster up enough strength to go on living without her mother. I was envious. I also secretly wish I will pick up the phone and tell my mother the same thing. But I couldn't gather enough courage to do so and thus might have missed a good chance to patch things up with my mother
Days after the incident, I keep telling myself I had to treat my mother better. Well, I am still trying and I guess I will continue to remind myself to try harder
But then in Jan, 1 of my friend's mom collapsed from no apparent aliment and died on the route to hospital. That sort of shake me up a bit.
I got a call from my friend one evening. She was in tears and her words were all falling and jumping out, making them not audible. I had to slow her down before I managed to make any sense out of it.
Her mother had collapsed at the foot of her flat. She had complained of stomach pains in the late morning or early afternoon. So my friend's elder brother was going to bring their mother to a nearby GP. As they were making their way down, she realised that she had left her prescription or ID at home and ask her son to go up and locate it. In the meantime, she will wait for him at the staircase. He couldn't find it and went back to look for his mom. He found her lying down at the foot of the staircase, unconscious. He then hurriedly calls for an ambulance but they could not revived her.
By the time my friend was informed, her mother was gone. And the last time she seen the mother was 2 months ago. I will not go into details as it would be too judgemental. And who am I to judge? I was no saint myself.
Among us, we scurried around my friend for the next few days. Amid the emotions and actions, my friend found out the reason for her mother's sudden demise. She had suffered an heart attack. She never had this before or maybe my friend did not know. It suddenly dawned on me, that do we have an expiry date? And if we do, will we want to know when? And if we know, will we enjoy life to it's fullest and give it our best shot in everything we do or sit around whole day, moping and feeling scared? And when our time is up, will we ever feel that this is it and come to terms with it?
Or we do not know when, but when our time is up, we will just drop dead! Will it be easier this way? I asked one of my close friend K who was with me. We couldn't find the perfect answer. Either way, was not good enough.
As we send off the dead, K called her own mother and burst into tears, as she was telling her mother that she will want her own mother to outlive her as she will never ever muster up enough strength to go on living without her mother. I was envious. I also secretly wish I will pick up the phone and tell my mother the same thing. But I couldn't gather enough courage to do so and thus might have missed a good chance to patch things up with my mother
Days after the incident, I keep telling myself I had to treat my mother better. Well, I am still trying and I guess I will continue to remind myself to try harder
Lazy, Lazy, lazy! Need i say more?
Again hasn't been keeping up with writing. Had been real lazy. So just a quick recap and I will try to write more based on the points written.
1, Resolution to get along better with my mother - Hasn't exactly been a resounding success.
2, Resolution to be try to be more patient and not have to lapse into shouting matches at home - Failed
3, Resolution to cook more at home - Slight success.
4, Try to convince Ryan that he is not a suitable candidate to rear pets - Absolute success.
5, Find a suitable school for Amber so I can go back to work- no success yet but I will be bringing her to work til there is an vacancy for her.
1, Resolution to get along better with my mother - Hasn't exactly been a resounding success.
2, Resolution to be try to be more patient and not have to lapse into shouting matches at home - Failed
3, Resolution to cook more at home - Slight success.
4, Try to convince Ryan that he is not a suitable candidate to rear pets - Absolute success.
5, Find a suitable school for Amber so I can go back to work- no success yet but I will be bringing her to work til there is an vacancy for her.
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