This weekend is my younger brother in law's wedding. Somehow, I feel we are are even more particular and fussy than for my own wedding. The date was selected by a feng shui master, based on every one's birth dates. Wow! A mean feat! From the groom's family, we have 10 of us. From the bride's side, she has 8. So it must have been difficult to have dates that suit us fine.
Starting from this month, We were all excited by the wedding as the groom is the youngest in the family. So it will be quite another while before we have another wedding in our household again. The house had been under going renovations for a while, getting ready for the big day and of cause for the couple's new nuptials room. The wedding photos album being shots, wedding dinner's guests list to be complied and confirmed and to reconfirmed again.
Alas. Sad to say most Singaporeans are still very 'blur' or 'act blur' when it comes to wedding dinner. The invites will state the attire to be smart casual, formal etc. You can trust Singaporeans to come as they deem 'apporiately dressed'.' You will always see them in their 'market best' Many a time, I have been horrified by the way Singaporeans dressed for the occasions. Hmm..... should we blame our weather? I do think that our climates plays a part in the way we dress. I mean, look at how flip flops is our favourite footwear? But honestly hot weather or not, we can always look our best. We should. Afterall, Singaporeans are priding ourselves on how well travelled or well read we are, so YES! WE CAN!!!
And we can and should improve on our timing. The time on the invites would stated " To be seated by 8pm" Well, You can always count on some guests making their grand entrance at 8.30pm. Hmm.... leaves alot to be desired
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Brazilian wax???
I had always wanted to get my brazilian wax done on a regular basis. Like perhaps once every 3 mths. But alas, I have always been too lazy to maintain my schedules. Hmm... have to do soul searching on that. So anyway today is the day I decided I must have my waxing done. Not only was it long over due. I need to get my legs' done too. My brother in law is getting married this coming sun and I need to 'flaunt' my legs! After calling my fav salon, I was horrified to find out while I have been hibernating at home, prices had shoot up to a new ridiculousiy high. I set about finding a new place.
Thanks to facebook, I know an old aquaintance of mine is working at Cineleisure. So I called but he wasn't in. Dammed! But his colleague was nice to fit me in on the 3.30 slot. And the prices was friendly too. Services wise, they are just as good as my old favourite. And the prices is to shout for. Ryan was funny. When I am done and walked out of the room, he asked me" Mummy, did U get your waxing done? Why couldn't I see any difference in you?" Hmm... of cause U can't see the difference as I am all covered up!!!
I tried to stifled a giggle. Kids do say the darnest things. I remember another question of his. When he was younger, I would leave him at home with the maid whenever I have my facial appoinments. the 1st time I told him I was going to get a facial done, His eyes widened and he asked me" Mummy, what is a facial?" So I explained to him that my face was all clogged up with dirt and I need to get someone to wash it for me. So he nodded his head and stored the little info inside his head. When I got home that night, he was waiting for me very eagerly. As I bend down to carry him, he was trying to scrutinized my face. Suddenly he exclaimed loudly" Oh mummy! I think you need to wash your face again as the person who had washed it for you did not do a good job. there are still tiny dirt stuck on your face!" I was surprised. I put him down and peered into a mirrior. I couldn't see any dirt! I could only see specks of brown freckles around my cheeks! Hah! this was the dirt he was talking about. I laughed and told him that this was not removeable! He was puzzled. Years later I do like to repeat this joke to anyone who hasn't hear it before. And also to Ryan because that is what I think makes childhood memorable.
So here I am, sitting in my studyroom,blogging . I do feel like a clean plucked mother hen!!!
Thanks to facebook, I know an old aquaintance of mine is working at Cineleisure. So I called but he wasn't in. Dammed! But his colleague was nice to fit me in on the 3.30 slot. And the prices was friendly too. Services wise, they are just as good as my old favourite. And the prices is to shout for. Ryan was funny. When I am done and walked out of the room, he asked me" Mummy, did U get your waxing done? Why couldn't I see any difference in you?" Hmm... of cause U can't see the difference as I am all covered up!!!
I tried to stifled a giggle. Kids do say the darnest things. I remember another question of his. When he was younger, I would leave him at home with the maid whenever I have my facial appoinments. the 1st time I told him I was going to get a facial done, His eyes widened and he asked me" Mummy, what is a facial?" So I explained to him that my face was all clogged up with dirt and I need to get someone to wash it for me. So he nodded his head and stored the little info inside his head. When I got home that night, he was waiting for me very eagerly. As I bend down to carry him, he was trying to scrutinized my face. Suddenly he exclaimed loudly" Oh mummy! I think you need to wash your face again as the person who had washed it for you did not do a good job. there are still tiny dirt stuck on your face!" I was surprised. I put him down and peered into a mirrior. I couldn't see any dirt! I could only see specks of brown freckles around my cheeks! Hah! this was the dirt he was talking about. I laughed and told him that this was not removeable! He was puzzled. Years later I do like to repeat this joke to anyone who hasn't hear it before. And also to Ryan because that is what I think makes childhood memorable.
So here I am, sitting in my studyroom,blogging . I do feel like a clean plucked mother hen!!!
A father's last gift Part II
That night as I lay on my bed, I did not teared much. I knew he had already found the peace and was no longer suffering. All now that is left is just an empty shell. I am not ashamed to say that I slept well that night.
As I awoke the next morning, I told myself that I have no regrets as I have already done every part or thing that I could have done for him. I was there when the doc broke the news, I was the one who swallow and digest all information and pass on to other family members, taking in considerations how they could and would take it. I was the one who was there for most of his appointments with Docs. And I was there most of the time with him for his chemo and radiation treatments. And I was there during the last few weeks of his life. I try to bear no grudges against the rest of the family who were here but was too 'busy' to take time off for him. I have done more than what a son could do for his father. And my father should be very proud of me! As for my sister, I feel sorry for her because she was away for study. And when she left in Feb, my dad was still up and about, with plans to meet in Australia. I think she will be forever be regretful that she chose to go away to study instead of continuing it here. But I tell her we must all move on. This is something that he would like us to do. My sister had told me before she felt she owe me because I have to do all these things by myself. And she wasn't here most times to help. But to me, I feel perhaps I was doing myself good too when I did all these things for him. At least I get to say a "long goodbye" to my father. And I have no regrets over it.
Days after my father's death, I realise that he had actually left me a last gift! He had chosen to leave just after I left the room. I think he knows I would forever be haunted by the memory of him dying in front of me. I have always been morbid about death! And he knows it. so I think he was just bidding his time. Waiting for me to leave the room. That was his gift, his last present to me.
As I awoke the next morning, I told myself that I have no regrets as I have already done every part or thing that I could have done for him. I was there when the doc broke the news, I was the one who swallow and digest all information and pass on to other family members, taking in considerations how they could and would take it. I was the one who was there for most of his appointments with Docs. And I was there most of the time with him for his chemo and radiation treatments. And I was there during the last few weeks of his life. I try to bear no grudges against the rest of the family who were here but was too 'busy' to take time off for him. I have done more than what a son could do for his father. And my father should be very proud of me! As for my sister, I feel sorry for her because she was away for study. And when she left in Feb, my dad was still up and about, with plans to meet in Australia. I think she will be forever be regretful that she chose to go away to study instead of continuing it here. But I tell her we must all move on. This is something that he would like us to do. My sister had told me before she felt she owe me because I have to do all these things by myself. And she wasn't here most times to help. But to me, I feel perhaps I was doing myself good too when I did all these things for him. At least I get to say a "long goodbye" to my father. And I have no regrets over it.
Days after my father's death, I realise that he had actually left me a last gift! He had chosen to leave just after I left the room. I think he knows I would forever be haunted by the memory of him dying in front of me. I have always been morbid about death! And he knows it. so I think he was just bidding his time. Waiting for me to leave the room. That was his gift, his last present to me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A father's last gift Part I
I would like to do a recap of the last few months of my father's life. I think it is very important as this will let my kids know what took place and also as a back up in case my memory fails me later in my old age.
My dad was admitted to the hospital on the 14th Aug 08. He had complained of difficulties in breathing and pain near his stomach. During a Xray done at the hospital, it was discovered he had a small tumour in his stomach. The docs advised him to stay in for further tests. I did not think much of it. He had always been healthy. This small tumour is not going to get him down. It was 18th when I learnt of the bad news. It wasn't just any tumour. It was a malignant kind. And it had affected his spleen and pancreas. He would need a major surgery asap. I was shocked beyond words. The surgeon who broke the news to me was very kind. He asked me whether I have any other siblings. I said yes! I have a sister who is studying in Australia. I completely forgotten about my brother. After recomposing myself, I begged the doc not to disclose this news to my dad yet as I wasn't sure how would he takes to it. I rushed to the nearest toilet and burst into tears. I called my husband and told him the bad news. After we hanged up, I was still swollen eyed. I make my way down to the florist and got him a stalk of lilies.
That night, my mind was racing. How to let my dad know about his conditions and how much should he knows. My 1st instinct was to protect him. I send a text message to my brother informing him. I had also told him not to let my mother knows as she might blurt the truth out or she might tell others who in turn might tell my father. I don't want him to find out this way. And thirdly not to let my sister who is in Australia knows as she is having her exams. . After deciding on this course of action. I had to think of a way to convince my dad to go for the surgery. I told the doc of my predicament He promised to talk to him without revealing too much. Surprisingly, when my dad speaks of his surgery, it was with anticipation. He feels that if it was necessary for him to do the surgery to get well. Then he would do it. That is my dad for you. He is very decisive. Once he decides that is the best option, he will follows it.
He was discharged from the hospital on the 26th. Surgery is on the 16th of the following. He would have to be back at hospital 1 week before to prepare for the surgery. As he has a few health problems, I was very much afraid that there might be complications. I told my sis only in the last week of Aug. It was also decided that she would come back on the 14th to be there. All these, we decided among ourselves. We told no one not even my mother. My mother did not find out til my sister arrives that night. She cried a little when we told her that it is cancer.
My sister went to see him on the 15th as she couldn't wait. I was worried my dad might smell a rat. The morning of his operation, my sister was there when he went inside the surgery room. I had arrived late. We waited for hours. Surgery was scheduled for 4 hours and we had anticipate it to end at about 1 plus int eh afternoon. It did not. We were starting to worry. Eventually it ended at about 3 plus. When the surgeon walks out, he gravely told us that it was worse than initially thought. It wasn't stomach cancer. It was advanced pancreatic cancer! 1 of the hardest to treat and because of my dad's age, he did not give a very positive diagnosis. At that time, all I could think of was to keep the truth from my dad as I wanted him to fight the battle bravely. I did not want him to feel that it might be a losing battle. To me, this is my father who seldom falls sick. He is not about to succumb to this illness. Days after the surgery, my dad's condition did not get much better. The gases was building up inside him and he was in pain. He couldn't eat or drink. And he was totally upset. I would never forget the look in his eyes when the surgeon said he might need another surgery. That was also the 1st time when we found him praying hard. For my parents who were very staunch Taoist followers, it was a pleasant surprise for my sister and me. Then a miracle happened, The gases inside my father's body starts dispelling. He professed to having seen Mother Mary appearing beside him. He said the night before he couldn't sleep, he was looking out of the window where there was a moon. Slowly he saw a figure coming closer, Then as the figure looms right next to the window, he saw Mother Mary smiling at him and floating inside the room. He felt better immediately.Of cause he did not tell my mother all these. Honestly I don't blame him. For I also don't know what will my mother thinks? She might think he was possessed or had been brainwashed by his own relatives. ( As an afternote, my dad's relatives are all Christians!) And they have been coming often to pray for him. I am touched by all these. I don't know what drastic actions she might take, considering her frosty relations with them. Months after the operations, my father did talked of going to church as he felt at peace But he never did find the chance.
It was during his 1st follow up with his surgeon, that my dad was informed of his condition. He took it pretty calmly. He would need to have radiation and chemo for 6mths to try to cure him. He follows it religiously. the only time he missed his chemo was when his blood cells wasn't enough. Other than that he was the best patient any doc could ask for. I know because I was there for most of his appointments.
During this period, my father was short on temper, that I must agreed. But I keep telling Him and myself that it was just the side effects and that he couldn't help it. He complained about feeling lousy, having vomitting spells and not being to eat properly. I told him that it must be the side effects of the medication he was talking and when the treatments ends, all these uncomfortable feelings would go away. He nodded. ( Now as I think of it, was he too trusting of me that he had believes me? That everything would be better? And that is why he did not seek doc's opinion? )
His last chemo ends on 9th Apr. All the uncomfortable feeling did not dissipates, instead he felt more pain. I asked him whether would he like to go to the hospital to see his doc, he kept refusing. And his memory was failing him too. The things he told me to put away, I quickly obeyed, only to have him ask why did I keep his stuff away. He couldn't remember when he last ate? He couldn't recall whether he had lunch? He was grouchy and perhaps violent in his thoughts and speech. He asked to be wiped constantly and it was taking a toll on me. I was staying next house but I was home alone with my daughter who is young. I couldn't be at his every beck and call. My mother was working and there wasn't anyone in the house who could stay with him constantly
During the last week of Apr, he couldn't bathe himself anymore. I had to do it for him. He was in great pain. Finally on the 1st May, he asked to go to hospital. I checked him in and and the hospital did an Xray on him that very night. It was discovered that he had some inflammation in his right lung. As for the pain, the hospital couldn't say anything more til further tests had been done. The following tues, the doc called me with news of his cancer spreading. It had spread to his lungs and kidneys. I did not react. Perhaps I was in denial. I went home and told only my husband. I would tell my brother later that night.
I visited my father nearly every weekdays , weekends would be covered by my brother and on tues, my mother is off. So I told her to go see him. Every few days, the team of docs would take turns to call me and update me on my father's conditions. It was the H1N1 period, and visiting hours was very much restricted. Every week brings more bad news. 1 day, his chemo doc called me and asked me whether is there any wishes of his yet to be fulfilled. I told her yes, we had agreed to be in Australia this coming Sept for my sister's convocation. It was what he was waiting for. His doc told me that she don't think my father is going to make it for the trip. I did not asked her what she had meant at that time. Come to think of it, perhaps I myself was not prepared for the answer. She said the next best thing would be to ask my sister to come home. I told her I wasn't sure whether she could as it was her final exams.
I called my sister and she cried. But we agreed that she would come back as soon as her papers ends. Which would be after 19th June.
On the 15th May, his chemo doc called for a meeting with us. She sat down with my mother and me in the meeting room. She wanted to know about the aftercare for my father's after he is discharged from the hospital. What course are we taking? etc. By this time, my father is no longer mobile. and has lost his ability to control his bowels. The doc says that there are a few options that we could chose. 1st would be a hospice, where he would be cared for round the clock. And it would be easier for more visitors who wants to come and see him. 2nd would be to sign up for visits by the hospice. the nurse and doc would drop by on a weekly basis. This is good if there is someone to stay with my father constantly. But the caregiver would be very stressful as not only my dad is not mobile, he is now on morphine to ease his pains. The dosage would have to be monitored closely. Finally it was decided that Hospice would be the "Ideal' choice. But I wasn't sure. I told the doc and the social worker that I don't want my dad to feel that he has no choice, or that he is a burden to us, So if he is not willing to go, then we would look at other options like engaging a nurse etc.
When I saw him at the ward later, he told me that he wanted to go to hospice as he feels that it was an ideal place for him to recuperate and gets well. He told me that the minute he gets well, that is when he wants to go home. I choked. I couldn't help it. I told him not to feel obligated, if he doesn't wants to go, then I wouldn't let him go. But he had already made up his mind. That 's my Dad. That night as I spoke to my sister on the phone, I told her I cannot bear to let him go to the hospice. We both kept quiet for a while.That weekend, my dad uttered his last poke at my dressing. I had wore a black stripe Ts and teamed it with a bubble short. He asked me why hadn't I washed them? I told him I hadn't wore them for a while. He says I looks like a jailbird!!! I jokingly replied where can you find such a stylish one?
The following mon, the doc at the hospice inform me that they have a bed for my father on wed .He asked me whether do I have an idea what hospice is about. I told him I do have a rough idea. He stresses that hospice are different form hospital. In hospice, the patient's well being and comfort comes first. I kept quiet. I knew what he was driving at.
On wed, I arrived particularly earlier than usual. I wanted to pack my dad's stuff and to collect his follow ups appointments and his medicine. And also most importantly, it was my father's 66th birthday. But he was impatient and had wanted to get to the hospice quickly. I told him we have to wait as it would be the ambulance who is taking us there. I had bought 2 slices of cakes. 1 of it was his favourite Mango but he was in no mood to eat them. He just wanted to get to the hospice. It was 2 plus in the afternoon when we finally arrived at the hospice. As he was being checked by the docs and nurses. i waited outside. My husband had arrived by this time. The docs and social worker wanted to talked to us. We were ushered into a room and the docs updated us of their findings. Again they asked me what was his last wish and I replied to go to Australia for my sister's graduation. He asked me whether is there any plans for my sister to come back before Sept? I said yes, she is coming back in June after her papers to see him as I have updated her on the current situation. He then asked why don't I asked my sister to come back and see him now? I said I don't think she can do that as it is the midst of her papers. He next asked me 3 questions which stumped me. He asked me when was the last time my sis saw him,and whether was he still able to walk? I said they last saw each other in Feb and he had send her off at the airport. He asked me wouldn't it be too traumatising for my sister to come back in June and see our father like this? I kept quiet for a while. I agreed with the docs. the doc says if necessary, he could pen a letter asking the school to excuse my sister. I told him I would check with her that night. I went back to my dad. He was starting to be even more disoriented. He wants to get up and walk. He couldn't managed to sit up. My husband has to support him. He couldn't eat much, let alone his birthday cakes. I only managed to feed him 2 small mouth of banana. It was already difficult for him to swallow by then.
What we decided that night was my sister would try to fly in on Thurs as her last papers of the week on was Thurs. It was winter time in Australia and she couldn't get a flight out on Thurs. The earliest would be on Fri night.
I spend Thurs afternoon with my father. I got a shock when I reach his bed and it was empty. I asked the other patients but they all did not know where has he gone. I rushed to the nurse station, only to find my father strapped to a nursing chair. He had spend the whole night and morning there as he wouldn't lie still, was restless. The nurses has no choice but to put him where he could be supervised 24 hours. My heart broke to see him like this. He stirred when I called him. I asked for his permission to trim his nails as I know he likes to keep it neat. But he wants to do it himself. But his vision was starting to fail him too. I told him I would do a good job for him. He then relented. As I trims his nails, tears was rolling down but I dared not make a noise or to wipe them away. My heart was so heavy. I had brought his papers but he says he was too tired to read. I offered to read it loud for him.As I started reading, I noticed he had fallen asleep again. I knew the morphine was making him sleepy. I stayed til evening that day. But he was sleeping most of the time. I fed him 2 spoons of wintermelon soup and he doesn't want it anymore.
On Friday, my Friend P was with me. She volunteered to come with me as she knew I could do with some company. When we reached there, one of the Doc requested to see me. We were again ushered into a room. There the doc asked me once again when is my sis coming back and I said that very night! She said' good!' As my dad is deteriorating fast, she was afraid that he might slip into a coma within these 2 days! After the doc left the room, I cried. P was consoling me. And I blurted out I do believe in miracles. I mean I do know my dad is fighting a losing battle but for me, there is a small part inside my heart that makes me feel he might recover and goes home. He never managed to eat anymore food nor drink starting from that day
As I leave my father that night, I told him to wait for me the next day. It was Saturday and I am going to bring him a present! Something that he would like very much. it took him a lot of effort to answer me. He said " Ok, I will wait for U"
I went to fetch my sister at 9pm. As the hospice would not allow visitors after 8.30pm, we couldn't go immediately. i told my sister to get rest. She will need it for tomorrow. that night, I couldn't sleep. I think deep inside me, I knew my dad's health was failing me fast. I was so afraid that he couldn't wait for me. I was afraid my mobile would ring and bring the bad news I dread. I think it was 4 plus in the morning when I slept.
We went to the hospice late morning. I told my sister to get dressed in brightly colored clothes. I wanted to create a happy and cheerful ambience. When we reach, I walked in, followed by my sister. My usual routine was to touch my dad gently and try to arouse him from his deep sleep. I will hold his right hand and massage it, follow by his left hand. The morning as I hold his right hand, I can feeling him stirring, I told him "Pa, I am here. Can U open your eyes?" He opened his eyes, and I can feel that he was listening to me first. I continued saying" Remember I told you I will bring a present for you? Can U stretch out your left hand and feel it?" He obeyed and when my sister grasped his hand and called him. I saw the unbelievable expression on his face. He tried to sit up but he couldn't. He wanted to see her clearly. So he did the next best thing, he let go of my hand and using 2 hands, he cupped my sister's face closer to him. I knew from that very moment, my dad couldn't see clearly anymore. These few days, he has been listening to me, rather than seeing me! At that moment, I left the room as I feel that that day belong to my sister and him. I had him for the past few months. Whatever I wanted to say had already been said, I sat outside waiting. As I sat there waiting, the doc who was on standby came over and we starts to chat. A while later, we went in. The doc told us she would try to arrange a private room for us sop that we can spend more time with him. My heart sank! Private room means only 1 thing in hospice. That my dad has very little time left and it is meant for people who wants to come and say their last goodbyes. He was sedated heavily as it was getting hard for him to breathe. But he did not go back to sleep. Maybe he knew the end is coming., but finds it hard to talk . He just lay there wide eyed. We only left as he closed his eyes to sleep. It was the most difficult lunch we had. Both me and my sister has no idea what to eat yet we know we must eat so that we have enough energy to go on.
After we came back from lunch, my dad was in deep sleep. He had already been moved to a single room. 2 of my aunts came. They said prayers and sing hymms to him. They urged him to open his eyes to see them. But he did not. It was 5 plus when they left. I told my father that they left with promises to come back the next day. He was still sleeping. Then suddenly he opens his eyes and starts having difficulties breathing. He was struggling and panicky. I held his right hand while my sister held the other hand. We were trying to calm him down but we couldn't. In the end, we have no choice but to ask the nurse to come in and gave him a jab to stabilize him., We left the room while she was doing her job. Less than 5 minutes later, the nurse came out and hold my hands. She told me that his organs are failing rapidly! I shake my head. I couldn't believe it. No! This is what I wanted to shout at her. I asked her what makes her, in her capabilty as a nurse, said my dad's is failing fast? She told me" Girl! Trust me, I have seen enough. Now you must spend time with him because it is any moment now. I ran into the room crying. My sister was in tears too. We cried and hold his hands. He closes his eyes for the final time with us holding his hands. The time was 5.45pm. We cried and then I remember my son who couldn't come as he was having a fever. I called him and told him what had happened and now he must tell grandfather to be strong and that he loves him. Ryan did that and I could see from the corner of my dad's right eyes, a tear rolls down. I told my dad if U can hear, so please be strong. Don't be afraid. We are here.
By this time, my mother had arrived and was creating a din in her usual ways. In her constricted and narrow mind, old folks wives tales had began to overtake her senses. She was wailing, cursing and scolding him at the same time. I was angry and upset. I told my father not to worry about us anymore, we are all grown ups and we should be responsible for ourselves. I whispered to him if the going is too hard, then it is ok to let go. We will understand as he has done his best. It broke my heart to tell him that but I think he needs to be assured. I urged my siblings to follow suit. I told my father what I remembered from my childhood. I told him I loved him and I would remember the things he told me. At 8pm, the nurse urged me to spilt into 2 teams. One to stay behind, another to go home, bathe and come back here. It makes sense. I told my brother to take my sister and my mother home as I have no wish for my mother to interrupt the peace my dad was seeking. My sister already said she would stay the night and I would accompany her. Now I will stay behind with my husband first. They went on their way. I went in and continue to massage my dad. and to talk to him. During this time 2 other aunts came and again they said prayers. They told him that he had already found the way that he was seeking. and that Jesus will welcome him if he allows HIM to. I think my dad felts better after hearing them, I could feel it in his breathing. At 8.30 plus, my aunts want to go home, I told my dad I would walk them out and also to run to the car to retrieve my mobile. And that he has to wait for me. I don't want him to feel alone. As I walks out, I informed the nurse that I just need a couple of minutes to take something from my car. She nodded and ask me to be quick. I said ok. As soon as I took my phone, I walked back. As I walks back, I saw the nurse waving at me wildly, I sprinted to her. She grabbed me by the shoulders and told me" U must and have to be strong! I think he just stopped breathing!" I shakes my head in misbelief. It can't be. I was gone for less than 5mins, and I told him to wait for me!!! That was me raging inside! I am here because I don't want him to feel alone and be afraid. So how could he do this to me? She said she has to do some checks to make sure. I sat down and tried to calm myself now. I was breathing rapidly. After she did everything, She turned and tell me that the time he passed on was 8.40 pm. I started tearing uncontrollably. I screamed at my father's body!" How could you do this to me? I was just away for a while and I told you to wait for me! Why didn't you wait? How could you?"
The rest of the family had turned back and my 2 aunts who just left came back too. As I stared at my father's body, I told myself that he is no longer in pain and he is now in a better place. He had fight a good battle and is now at peace. Suddenly my knees went weak and I was so tired that I just wanted to go home and lie down. I hadn't slept well for the past 1month, and I certainly hasn't been eating well. It was over and I just want to go home, bathe and crawled into my bed.
My dad was admitted to the hospital on the 14th Aug 08. He had complained of difficulties in breathing and pain near his stomach. During a Xray done at the hospital, it was discovered he had a small tumour in his stomach. The docs advised him to stay in for further tests. I did not think much of it. He had always been healthy. This small tumour is not going to get him down. It was 18th when I learnt of the bad news. It wasn't just any tumour. It was a malignant kind. And it had affected his spleen and pancreas. He would need a major surgery asap. I was shocked beyond words. The surgeon who broke the news to me was very kind. He asked me whether I have any other siblings. I said yes! I have a sister who is studying in Australia. I completely forgotten about my brother. After recomposing myself, I begged the doc not to disclose this news to my dad yet as I wasn't sure how would he takes to it. I rushed to the nearest toilet and burst into tears. I called my husband and told him the bad news. After we hanged up, I was still swollen eyed. I make my way down to the florist and got him a stalk of lilies.
That night, my mind was racing. How to let my dad know about his conditions and how much should he knows. My 1st instinct was to protect him. I send a text message to my brother informing him. I had also told him not to let my mother knows as she might blurt the truth out or she might tell others who in turn might tell my father. I don't want him to find out this way. And thirdly not to let my sister who is in Australia knows as she is having her exams. . After deciding on this course of action. I had to think of a way to convince my dad to go for the surgery. I told the doc of my predicament He promised to talk to him without revealing too much. Surprisingly, when my dad speaks of his surgery, it was with anticipation. He feels that if it was necessary for him to do the surgery to get well. Then he would do it. That is my dad for you. He is very decisive. Once he decides that is the best option, he will follows it.
He was discharged from the hospital on the 26th. Surgery is on the 16th of the following. He would have to be back at hospital 1 week before to prepare for the surgery. As he has a few health problems, I was very much afraid that there might be complications. I told my sis only in the last week of Aug. It was also decided that she would come back on the 14th to be there. All these, we decided among ourselves. We told no one not even my mother. My mother did not find out til my sister arrives that night. She cried a little when we told her that it is cancer.
My sister went to see him on the 15th as she couldn't wait. I was worried my dad might smell a rat. The morning of his operation, my sister was there when he went inside the surgery room. I had arrived late. We waited for hours. Surgery was scheduled for 4 hours and we had anticipate it to end at about 1 plus int eh afternoon. It did not. We were starting to worry. Eventually it ended at about 3 plus. When the surgeon walks out, he gravely told us that it was worse than initially thought. It wasn't stomach cancer. It was advanced pancreatic cancer! 1 of the hardest to treat and because of my dad's age, he did not give a very positive diagnosis. At that time, all I could think of was to keep the truth from my dad as I wanted him to fight the battle bravely. I did not want him to feel that it might be a losing battle. To me, this is my father who seldom falls sick. He is not about to succumb to this illness. Days after the surgery, my dad's condition did not get much better. The gases was building up inside him and he was in pain. He couldn't eat or drink. And he was totally upset. I would never forget the look in his eyes when the surgeon said he might need another surgery. That was also the 1st time when we found him praying hard. For my parents who were very staunch Taoist followers, it was a pleasant surprise for my sister and me. Then a miracle happened, The gases inside my father's body starts dispelling. He professed to having seen Mother Mary appearing beside him. He said the night before he couldn't sleep, he was looking out of the window where there was a moon. Slowly he saw a figure coming closer, Then as the figure looms right next to the window, he saw Mother Mary smiling at him and floating inside the room. He felt better immediately.Of cause he did not tell my mother all these. Honestly I don't blame him. For I also don't know what will my mother thinks? She might think he was possessed or had been brainwashed by his own relatives. ( As an afternote, my dad's relatives are all Christians!) And they have been coming often to pray for him. I am touched by all these. I don't know what drastic actions she might take, considering her frosty relations with them. Months after the operations, my father did talked of going to church as he felt at peace But he never did find the chance.
It was during his 1st follow up with his surgeon, that my dad was informed of his condition. He took it pretty calmly. He would need to have radiation and chemo for 6mths to try to cure him. He follows it religiously. the only time he missed his chemo was when his blood cells wasn't enough. Other than that he was the best patient any doc could ask for. I know because I was there for most of his appointments.
During this period, my father was short on temper, that I must agreed. But I keep telling Him and myself that it was just the side effects and that he couldn't help it. He complained about feeling lousy, having vomitting spells and not being to eat properly. I told him that it must be the side effects of the medication he was talking and when the treatments ends, all these uncomfortable feelings would go away. He nodded. ( Now as I think of it, was he too trusting of me that he had believes me? That everything would be better? And that is why he did not seek doc's opinion? )
His last chemo ends on 9th Apr. All the uncomfortable feeling did not dissipates, instead he felt more pain. I asked him whether would he like to go to the hospital to see his doc, he kept refusing. And his memory was failing him too. The things he told me to put away, I quickly obeyed, only to have him ask why did I keep his stuff away. He couldn't remember when he last ate? He couldn't recall whether he had lunch? He was grouchy and perhaps violent in his thoughts and speech. He asked to be wiped constantly and it was taking a toll on me. I was staying next house but I was home alone with my daughter who is young. I couldn't be at his every beck and call. My mother was working and there wasn't anyone in the house who could stay with him constantly
During the last week of Apr, he couldn't bathe himself anymore. I had to do it for him. He was in great pain. Finally on the 1st May, he asked to go to hospital. I checked him in and and the hospital did an Xray on him that very night. It was discovered that he had some inflammation in his right lung. As for the pain, the hospital couldn't say anything more til further tests had been done. The following tues, the doc called me with news of his cancer spreading. It had spread to his lungs and kidneys. I did not react. Perhaps I was in denial. I went home and told only my husband. I would tell my brother later that night.
I visited my father nearly every weekdays , weekends would be covered by my brother and on tues, my mother is off. So I told her to go see him. Every few days, the team of docs would take turns to call me and update me on my father's conditions. It was the H1N1 period, and visiting hours was very much restricted. Every week brings more bad news. 1 day, his chemo doc called me and asked me whether is there any wishes of his yet to be fulfilled. I told her yes, we had agreed to be in Australia this coming Sept for my sister's convocation. It was what he was waiting for. His doc told me that she don't think my father is going to make it for the trip. I did not asked her what she had meant at that time. Come to think of it, perhaps I myself was not prepared for the answer. She said the next best thing would be to ask my sister to come home. I told her I wasn't sure whether she could as it was her final exams.
I called my sister and she cried. But we agreed that she would come back as soon as her papers ends. Which would be after 19th June.
On the 15th May, his chemo doc called for a meeting with us. She sat down with my mother and me in the meeting room. She wanted to know about the aftercare for my father's after he is discharged from the hospital. What course are we taking? etc. By this time, my father is no longer mobile. and has lost his ability to control his bowels. The doc says that there are a few options that we could chose. 1st would be a hospice, where he would be cared for round the clock. And it would be easier for more visitors who wants to come and see him. 2nd would be to sign up for visits by the hospice. the nurse and doc would drop by on a weekly basis. This is good if there is someone to stay with my father constantly. But the caregiver would be very stressful as not only my dad is not mobile, he is now on morphine to ease his pains. The dosage would have to be monitored closely. Finally it was decided that Hospice would be the "Ideal' choice. But I wasn't sure. I told the doc and the social worker that I don't want my dad to feel that he has no choice, or that he is a burden to us, So if he is not willing to go, then we would look at other options like engaging a nurse etc.
When I saw him at the ward later, he told me that he wanted to go to hospice as he feels that it was an ideal place for him to recuperate and gets well. He told me that the minute he gets well, that is when he wants to go home. I choked. I couldn't help it. I told him not to feel obligated, if he doesn't wants to go, then I wouldn't let him go. But he had already made up his mind. That 's my Dad. That night as I spoke to my sister on the phone, I told her I cannot bear to let him go to the hospice. We both kept quiet for a while.That weekend, my dad uttered his last poke at my dressing. I had wore a black stripe Ts and teamed it with a bubble short. He asked me why hadn't I washed them? I told him I hadn't wore them for a while. He says I looks like a jailbird!!! I jokingly replied where can you find such a stylish one?
The following mon, the doc at the hospice inform me that they have a bed for my father on wed .He asked me whether do I have an idea what hospice is about. I told him I do have a rough idea. He stresses that hospice are different form hospital. In hospice, the patient's well being and comfort comes first. I kept quiet. I knew what he was driving at.
On wed, I arrived particularly earlier than usual. I wanted to pack my dad's stuff and to collect his follow ups appointments and his medicine. And also most importantly, it was my father's 66th birthday. But he was impatient and had wanted to get to the hospice quickly. I told him we have to wait as it would be the ambulance who is taking us there. I had bought 2 slices of cakes. 1 of it was his favourite Mango but he was in no mood to eat them. He just wanted to get to the hospice. It was 2 plus in the afternoon when we finally arrived at the hospice. As he was being checked by the docs and nurses. i waited outside. My husband had arrived by this time. The docs and social worker wanted to talked to us. We were ushered into a room and the docs updated us of their findings. Again they asked me what was his last wish and I replied to go to Australia for my sister's graduation. He asked me whether is there any plans for my sister to come back before Sept? I said yes, she is coming back in June after her papers to see him as I have updated her on the current situation. He then asked why don't I asked my sister to come back and see him now? I said I don't think she can do that as it is the midst of her papers. He next asked me 3 questions which stumped me. He asked me when was the last time my sis saw him,and whether was he still able to walk? I said they last saw each other in Feb and he had send her off at the airport. He asked me wouldn't it be too traumatising for my sister to come back in June and see our father like this? I kept quiet for a while. I agreed with the docs. the doc says if necessary, he could pen a letter asking the school to excuse my sister. I told him I would check with her that night. I went back to my dad. He was starting to be even more disoriented. He wants to get up and walk. He couldn't managed to sit up. My husband has to support him. He couldn't eat much, let alone his birthday cakes. I only managed to feed him 2 small mouth of banana. It was already difficult for him to swallow by then.
What we decided that night was my sister would try to fly in on Thurs as her last papers of the week on was Thurs. It was winter time in Australia and she couldn't get a flight out on Thurs. The earliest would be on Fri night.
I spend Thurs afternoon with my father. I got a shock when I reach his bed and it was empty. I asked the other patients but they all did not know where has he gone. I rushed to the nurse station, only to find my father strapped to a nursing chair. He had spend the whole night and morning there as he wouldn't lie still, was restless. The nurses has no choice but to put him where he could be supervised 24 hours. My heart broke to see him like this. He stirred when I called him. I asked for his permission to trim his nails as I know he likes to keep it neat. But he wants to do it himself. But his vision was starting to fail him too. I told him I would do a good job for him. He then relented. As I trims his nails, tears was rolling down but I dared not make a noise or to wipe them away. My heart was so heavy. I had brought his papers but he says he was too tired to read. I offered to read it loud for him.As I started reading, I noticed he had fallen asleep again. I knew the morphine was making him sleepy. I stayed til evening that day. But he was sleeping most of the time. I fed him 2 spoons of wintermelon soup and he doesn't want it anymore.
On Friday, my Friend P was with me. She volunteered to come with me as she knew I could do with some company. When we reached there, one of the Doc requested to see me. We were again ushered into a room. There the doc asked me once again when is my sis coming back and I said that very night! She said' good!' As my dad is deteriorating fast, she was afraid that he might slip into a coma within these 2 days! After the doc left the room, I cried. P was consoling me. And I blurted out I do believe in miracles. I mean I do know my dad is fighting a losing battle but for me, there is a small part inside my heart that makes me feel he might recover and goes home. He never managed to eat anymore food nor drink starting from that day
As I leave my father that night, I told him to wait for me the next day. It was Saturday and I am going to bring him a present! Something that he would like very much. it took him a lot of effort to answer me. He said " Ok, I will wait for U"
I went to fetch my sister at 9pm. As the hospice would not allow visitors after 8.30pm, we couldn't go immediately. i told my sister to get rest. She will need it for tomorrow. that night, I couldn't sleep. I think deep inside me, I knew my dad's health was failing me fast. I was so afraid that he couldn't wait for me. I was afraid my mobile would ring and bring the bad news I dread. I think it was 4 plus in the morning when I slept.
We went to the hospice late morning. I told my sister to get dressed in brightly colored clothes. I wanted to create a happy and cheerful ambience. When we reach, I walked in, followed by my sister. My usual routine was to touch my dad gently and try to arouse him from his deep sleep. I will hold his right hand and massage it, follow by his left hand. The morning as I hold his right hand, I can feeling him stirring, I told him "Pa, I am here. Can U open your eyes?" He opened his eyes, and I can feel that he was listening to me first. I continued saying" Remember I told you I will bring a present for you? Can U stretch out your left hand and feel it?" He obeyed and when my sister grasped his hand and called him. I saw the unbelievable expression on his face. He tried to sit up but he couldn't. He wanted to see her clearly. So he did the next best thing, he let go of my hand and using 2 hands, he cupped my sister's face closer to him. I knew from that very moment, my dad couldn't see clearly anymore. These few days, he has been listening to me, rather than seeing me! At that moment, I left the room as I feel that that day belong to my sister and him. I had him for the past few months. Whatever I wanted to say had already been said, I sat outside waiting. As I sat there waiting, the doc who was on standby came over and we starts to chat. A while later, we went in. The doc told us she would try to arrange a private room for us sop that we can spend more time with him. My heart sank! Private room means only 1 thing in hospice. That my dad has very little time left and it is meant for people who wants to come and say their last goodbyes. He was sedated heavily as it was getting hard for him to breathe. But he did not go back to sleep. Maybe he knew the end is coming., but finds it hard to talk . He just lay there wide eyed. We only left as he closed his eyes to sleep. It was the most difficult lunch we had. Both me and my sister has no idea what to eat yet we know we must eat so that we have enough energy to go on.
After we came back from lunch, my dad was in deep sleep. He had already been moved to a single room. 2 of my aunts came. They said prayers and sing hymms to him. They urged him to open his eyes to see them. But he did not. It was 5 plus when they left. I told my father that they left with promises to come back the next day. He was still sleeping. Then suddenly he opens his eyes and starts having difficulties breathing. He was struggling and panicky. I held his right hand while my sister held the other hand. We were trying to calm him down but we couldn't. In the end, we have no choice but to ask the nurse to come in and gave him a jab to stabilize him., We left the room while she was doing her job. Less than 5 minutes later, the nurse came out and hold my hands. She told me that his organs are failing rapidly! I shake my head. I couldn't believe it. No! This is what I wanted to shout at her. I asked her what makes her, in her capabilty as a nurse, said my dad's is failing fast? She told me" Girl! Trust me, I have seen enough. Now you must spend time with him because it is any moment now. I ran into the room crying. My sister was in tears too. We cried and hold his hands. He closes his eyes for the final time with us holding his hands. The time was 5.45pm. We cried and then I remember my son who couldn't come as he was having a fever. I called him and told him what had happened and now he must tell grandfather to be strong and that he loves him. Ryan did that and I could see from the corner of my dad's right eyes, a tear rolls down. I told my dad if U can hear, so please be strong. Don't be afraid. We are here.
By this time, my mother had arrived and was creating a din in her usual ways. In her constricted and narrow mind, old folks wives tales had began to overtake her senses. She was wailing, cursing and scolding him at the same time. I was angry and upset. I told my father not to worry about us anymore, we are all grown ups and we should be responsible for ourselves. I whispered to him if the going is too hard, then it is ok to let go. We will understand as he has done his best. It broke my heart to tell him that but I think he needs to be assured. I urged my siblings to follow suit. I told my father what I remembered from my childhood. I told him I loved him and I would remember the things he told me. At 8pm, the nurse urged me to spilt into 2 teams. One to stay behind, another to go home, bathe and come back here. It makes sense. I told my brother to take my sister and my mother home as I have no wish for my mother to interrupt the peace my dad was seeking. My sister already said she would stay the night and I would accompany her. Now I will stay behind with my husband first. They went on their way. I went in and continue to massage my dad. and to talk to him. During this time 2 other aunts came and again they said prayers. They told him that he had already found the way that he was seeking. and that Jesus will welcome him if he allows HIM to. I think my dad felts better after hearing them, I could feel it in his breathing. At 8.30 plus, my aunts want to go home, I told my dad I would walk them out and also to run to the car to retrieve my mobile. And that he has to wait for me. I don't want him to feel alone. As I walks out, I informed the nurse that I just need a couple of minutes to take something from my car. She nodded and ask me to be quick. I said ok. As soon as I took my phone, I walked back. As I walks back, I saw the nurse waving at me wildly, I sprinted to her. She grabbed me by the shoulders and told me" U must and have to be strong! I think he just stopped breathing!" I shakes my head in misbelief. It can't be. I was gone for less than 5mins, and I told him to wait for me!!! That was me raging inside! I am here because I don't want him to feel alone and be afraid. So how could he do this to me? She said she has to do some checks to make sure. I sat down and tried to calm myself now. I was breathing rapidly. After she did everything, She turned and tell me that the time he passed on was 8.40 pm. I started tearing uncontrollably. I screamed at my father's body!" How could you do this to me? I was just away for a while and I told you to wait for me! Why didn't you wait? How could you?"
The rest of the family had turned back and my 2 aunts who just left came back too. As I stared at my father's body, I told myself that he is no longer in pain and he is now in a better place. He had fight a good battle and is now at peace. Suddenly my knees went weak and I was so tired that I just wanted to go home and lie down. I hadn't slept well for the past 1month, and I certainly hasn't been eating well. It was over and I just want to go home, bathe and crawled into my bed.
Amber and a little tiny bear
My daughter and I likes to nap together. Well technically, I am the one who like to nap whenever the chance arises. (My husband will definitely agrees with this! but I must say this, I ONLY LIKE TO SLEEP ON MY OWN BED!!!) These 2 days, as she napped, she has this habit of kissing and hugging this tiny bear given by my local post office. She has her own little ritual. After drinking her milk, she will look for this particular bear. And then she will grabbed it and nestled it against her. I have been observing her a while and it amuses me no end when she does the kissing and hugging. She will baby talk to the bear, gesturing and pointing very excitedly. As she falls asleep, the bear always falls somewhere near her feet. I will always picks it up and put it at the same place , and this is where the bear will lie til the next routine.
Monday, June 22, 2009
My 1st father's day without my father
Last Sunday was Father's day. I went to the columbarium where my father's ashes was stored. I had bought some camelia roses. They are supposed to last longer in this sweltering heat. My father had always appreciated some nice flowers with nice fragrances.
Ryan was with me.But I felt that he was abit uncomfortable. I never asked him why? Maybe to a kid, this is such a horrible place, where bones are kept! I understand that. I mean as a child, when I have to follow my parents to pay respect to my grandparents, i too felt very uncomfortable.
We did not stayed too long. maybe about 15mins or so. I wiped his stone tablet clean. His photo has just been put up. And there was some dust on it. I carried a 1way conversation in my heart. Although I suspect, at times, I must have mumured it out loud. Cause Ryan would turn around and asked me " Are you crying?" As we were preparing to leave, I remembered that I hadn't wish my father happy Father's day. I turned around and whispered to him, "Happy father's day! It is my 1st Father's day without you! I couldn't help it. My eyes turned red. Deep in my heart, I know if souls really exist, My dad would be looking at my back as we left. I guess I do miss you more than I cared to admit it,
Today is the 1st month of his death anniversary. Time had passes by.,the earth is still moving but my world is no longer the same. I spend the last few weeks remembering things about my father, his life, his hobbies his friends, his work etc.
This picture was taken 2 Chinese New Year ago. ( pre diagnosis state) My sister's friend from Austria came and had dinner with us.
My 1st day of blogging
Been meaning to blog for ages but always have a ton of things to deter me. So there, I have finally done it. The main motivation this time is I wanted to have a platform to set aside some memories for my children and also for myself. As time passes by, I feel that somehow, my memories fades alittle. Little things that might not be important now could be important infomation later.
Eg: my younger sister has never met my paternal grandmother. My grandmother died before she was born. As the 1st born in the family, I have the love and attention of my grandparents. I always like going to their place. The only regret is I couldn't always go over as my mother never likes it when I go. She always will try to prevent my father from bringing me there. And there would always be quarrels after we come back. As a result, I could only see them during Chinese New Year. And occasionally when my mother allows it, they will come by. I remember my grandmother loves making paper roses. She will cut out the shapes she needs and twisted them into lifelike roses. I was fascinated with them. And had always asked her to teach me. She had promised but we never had enough time.
The next few weeks, my grandparent's niches are in the process of being moved to a new environment. I wanted to get some nice artificial flowers to put next to the niche. I spend a long time trying to decide what flowers looks best. I tried many combinations but it just doesn't seem right. I began asking myself what was her favourite flowers? I had completely forgotten it was roses! As I stand there wondering, I was starting to get fustrated. I chanced upon a beautiful pink rose and then it dawned on me. It was roses.
I told my sister about this. And in the process, I also starts to wander what other precious memories have I forgotten over the years? Hence the blog
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