A father's last gift Part I

I would like to do a recap of the last few months of my father's life. I think it is very important as this will let my kids know what took place and also as a back up in case my memory fails me later in my old age.
My dad was admitted to the hospital on the 14th Aug 08. He had complained of difficulties in breathing and pain near his stomach. During a Xray done at the hospital, it was discovered he had a small tumour in his stomach. The docs advised him to stay in for further tests. I did not think much of it. He had always been healthy. This small tumour is not going to get him down. It was 18th when I learnt of the bad news. It wasn't just any tumour. It was a malignant kind. And it had affected his spleen and pancreas. He would need a major surgery asap. I was shocked beyond words. The surgeon who broke the news to me was very kind. He asked me whether I have any other siblings. I said yes! I have a sister who is studying in Australia. I completely forgotten about my brother. After recomposing myself, I begged the doc not to disclose this news to my dad yet as I wasn't sure how would he takes to it. I rushed to the nearest toilet and burst into tears. I called my husband and told him the bad news. After we hanged up, I was still swollen eyed. I make my way down to the florist and got him a stalk of lilies.
That night, my mind was racing. How to let my dad know about his conditions and how much should he knows. My 1st instinct was to protect him. I send a text message to my brother informing him. I had also told him not to let my mother knows as she might blurt the truth out or she might tell others who in turn might tell my father. I don't want him to find out this way. And thirdly not to let my sister who is in Australia knows as she is having her exams. . After deciding on this course of action. I had to think of a way to convince my dad to go for the surgery. I told the doc of my predicament He promised to talk to him without revealing too much. Surprisingly, when my dad speaks of his surgery, it was with anticipation. He feels that if it was necessary for him to do the surgery to get well. Then he would do it. That is my dad for you. He is very decisive. Once he decides that is the best option, he will follows it.
He was discharged from the hospital on the 26th. Surgery is on the 16th of the following. He would have to be back at hospital 1 week before to prepare for the surgery. As he has a few health problems, I was very much afraid that there might be complications. I told my sis only in the last week of Aug. It was also decided that she would come back on the 14th to be there. All these, we decided among ourselves. We told no one not even my mother. My mother did not find out til my sister arrives that night. She cried a little when we told her that it is cancer.
My sister went to see him on the 15th as she couldn't wait. I was worried my dad might smell a rat. The morning of his operation, my sister was there when he went inside the surgery room. I had arrived late. We waited for hours. Surgery was scheduled for 4 hours and we had anticipate it to end at about 1 plus int eh afternoon. It did not. We were starting to worry. Eventually it ended at about 3 plus. When the surgeon walks out, he gravely told us that it was worse than initially thought. It wasn't stomach cancer. It was advanced pancreatic cancer! 1 of the hardest to treat and because of my dad's age, he did not give a very positive diagnosis. At that time, all I could think of was to keep the truth from my dad as I wanted him to fight the battle bravely. I did not want him to feel that it might be a losing battle. To me, this is my father who seldom falls sick. He is not about to succumb to this illness. Days after the surgery, my dad's condition did not get much better. The gases was building up inside him and he was in pain. He couldn't eat or drink. And he was totally upset. I would never forget the look in his eyes when the surgeon said he might need another surgery. That was also the 1st time when we found him praying hard. For my parents who were very staunch Taoist followers, it was a pleasant surprise for my sister and me. Then a miracle happened, The gases inside my father's body starts dispelling. He professed to having seen Mother Mary appearing beside him. He said the night before he couldn't sleep, he was looking out of the window where there was a moon. Slowly he saw a figure coming closer, Then as the figure looms right next to the window, he saw Mother Mary smiling at him and floating inside the room. He felt better immediately.Of cause he did not tell my mother all these. Honestly I don't blame him. For I also don't know what will my mother thinks? She might think he was possessed or had been brainwashed by his own relatives. ( As an afternote, my dad's relatives are all Christians!) And they have been coming often to pray for him. I am touched by all these. I don't know what drastic actions she might take, considering her frosty relations with them. Months after the operations, my father did talked of going to church as he felt at peace But he never did find the chance.
It was during his 1st follow up with his surgeon, that my dad was informed of his condition. He took it pretty calmly. He would need to have radiation and chemo for 6mths to try to cure him. He follows it religiously. the only time he missed his chemo was when his blood cells wasn't enough. Other than that he was the best patient any doc could ask for. I know because I was there for most of his appointments.
During this period, my father was short on temper, that I must agreed. But I keep telling Him and myself that it was just the side effects and that he couldn't help it. He complained about feeling lousy, having vomitting spells and not being to eat properly. I told him that it must be the side effects of the medication he was talking and when the treatments ends, all these uncomfortable feelings would go away. He nodded. ( Now as I think of it, was he too trusting of me that he had believes me? That everything would be better? And that is why he did not seek doc's opinion? )
His last chemo ends on 9th Apr. All the uncomfortable feeling did not dissipates, instead he felt more pain. I asked him whether would he like to go to the hospital to see his doc, he kept refusing. And his memory was failing him too. The things he told me to put away, I quickly obeyed, only to have him ask why did I keep his stuff away. He couldn't remember when he last ate? He couldn't recall whether he had lunch? He was grouchy and perhaps violent in his thoughts and speech. He asked to be wiped constantly and it was taking a toll on me. I was staying next house but I was home alone with my daughter who is young. I couldn't be at his every beck and call. My mother was working and there wasn't anyone in the house who could stay with him constantly
During the last week of Apr, he couldn't bathe himself anymore. I had to do it for him. He was in great pain. Finally on the 1st May, he asked to go to hospital. I checked him in and and the hospital did an Xray on him that very night. It was discovered that he had some inflammation in his right lung. As for the pain, the hospital couldn't say anything more til further tests had been done. The following tues, the doc called me with news of his cancer spreading. It had spread to his lungs and kidneys. I did not react. Perhaps I was in denial. I went home and told only my husband. I would tell my brother later that night.
I visited my father nearly every weekdays , weekends would be covered by my brother and on tues, my mother is off. So I told her to go see him. Every few days, the team of docs would take turns to call me and update me on my father's conditions. It was the H1N1 period, and visiting hours was very much restricted. Every week brings more bad news. 1 day, his chemo doc called me and asked me whether is there any wishes of his yet to be fulfilled. I told her yes, we had agreed to be in Australia this coming Sept for my sister's convocation. It was what he was waiting for. His doc told me that she don't think my father is going to make it for the trip. I did not asked her what she had meant at that time. Come to think of it, perhaps I myself was not prepared for the answer. She said the next best thing would be to ask my sister to come home. I told her I wasn't sure whether she could as it was her final exams.
I called my sister and she cried. But we agreed that she would come back as soon as her papers ends. Which would be after 19th June.
On the 15th May, his chemo doc called for a meeting with us. She sat down with my mother and me in the meeting room. She wanted to know about the aftercare for my father's after he is discharged from the hospital. What course are we taking? etc. By this time, my father is no longer mobile. and has lost his ability to control his bowels. The doc says that there are a few options that we could chose. 1st would be a hospice, where he would be cared for round the clock. And it would be easier for more visitors who wants to come and see him. 2nd would be to sign up for visits by the hospice. the nurse and doc would drop by on a weekly basis. This is good if there is someone to stay with my father constantly. But the caregiver would be very stressful as not only my dad is not mobile, he is now on morphine to ease his pains. The dosage would have to be monitored closely. Finally it was decided that Hospice would be the "Ideal' choice. But I wasn't sure. I told the doc and the social worker that I don't want my dad to feel that he has no choice, or that he is a burden to us, So if he is not willing to go, then we would look at other options like engaging a nurse etc.
When I saw him at the ward later, he told me that he wanted to go to hospice as he feels that it was an ideal place for him to recuperate and gets well. He told me that the minute he gets well, that is when he wants to go home. I choked. I couldn't help it. I told him not to feel obligated, if he doesn't wants to go, then I wouldn't let him go. But he had already made up his mind. That 's my Dad. That night as I spoke to my sister on the phone, I told her I cannot bear to let him go to the hospice. We both kept quiet for a while.That weekend, my dad uttered his last poke at my dressing. I had wore a black stripe Ts and teamed it with a bubble short. He asked me why hadn't I washed them? I told him I hadn't wore them for a while. He says I looks like a jailbird!!! I jokingly replied where can you find such a stylish one?
The following mon, the doc at the hospice inform me that they have a bed for my father on wed .He asked me whether do I have an idea what hospice is about. I told him I do have a rough idea. He stresses that hospice are different form hospital. In hospice, the patient's well being and comfort comes first. I kept quiet. I knew what he was driving at.
On wed, I arrived particularly earlier than usual. I wanted to pack my dad's stuff and to collect his follow ups appointments and his medicine. And also most importantly, it was my father's 66th birthday. But he was impatient and had wanted to get to the hospice quickly. I told him we have to wait as it would be the ambulance who is taking us there. I had bought 2 slices of cakes. 1 of it was his favourite Mango but he was in no mood to eat them. He just wanted to get to the hospice. It was 2 plus in the afternoon when we finally arrived at the hospice. As he was being checked by the docs and nurses. i waited outside. My husband had arrived by this time. The docs and social worker wanted to talked to us. We were ushered into a room and the docs updated us of their findings. Again they asked me what was his last wish and I replied to go to Australia for my sister's graduation. He asked me whether is there any plans for my sister to come back before Sept? I said yes, she is coming back in June after her papers to see him as I have updated her on the current situation. He then asked why don't I asked my sister to come back and see him now? I said I don't think she can do that as it is the midst of her papers. He next asked me 3 questions which stumped me. He asked me when was the last time my sis saw him,and whether was he still able to walk? I said they last saw each other in Feb and he had send her off at the airport. He asked me wouldn't it be too traumatising for my sister to come back in June and see our father like this? I kept quiet for a while. I agreed with the docs. the doc says if necessary, he could pen a letter asking the school to excuse my sister. I told him I would check with her that night. I went back to my dad. He was starting to be even more disoriented. He wants to get up and walk. He couldn't managed to sit up. My husband has to support him. He couldn't eat much, let alone his birthday cakes. I only managed to feed him 2 small mouth of banana. It was already difficult for him to swallow by then.
What we decided that night was my sister would try to fly in on Thurs as her last papers of the week on was Thurs. It was winter time in Australia and she couldn't get a flight out on Thurs. The earliest would be on Fri night.
I spend Thurs afternoon with my father. I got a shock when I reach his bed and it was empty. I asked the other patients but they all did not know where has he gone. I rushed to the nurse station, only to find my father strapped to a nursing chair. He had spend the whole night and morning there as he wouldn't lie still, was restless. The nurses has no choice but to put him where he could be supervised 24 hours. My heart broke to see him like this. He stirred when I called him. I asked for his permission to trim his nails as I know he likes to keep it neat. But he wants to do it himself. But his vision was starting to fail him too. I told him I would do a good job for him. He then relented. As I trims his nails, tears was rolling down but I dared not make a noise or to wipe them away. My heart was so heavy. I had brought his papers but he says he was too tired to read. I offered to read it loud for him.As I started reading, I noticed he had fallen asleep again. I knew the morphine was making him sleepy. I stayed til evening that day. But he was sleeping most of the time. I fed him 2 spoons of wintermelon soup and he doesn't want it anymore.
On Friday, my Friend P was with me. She volunteered to come with me as she knew I could do with some company. When we reached there, one of the Doc requested to see me. We were again ushered into a room. There the doc asked me once again when is my sis coming back and I said that very night! She said' good!' As my dad is deteriorating fast, she was afraid that he might slip into a coma within these 2 days! After the doc left the room, I cried. P was consoling me. And I blurted out I do believe in miracles. I mean I do know my dad is fighting a losing battle but for me, there is a small part inside my heart that makes me feel he might recover and goes home. He never managed to eat anymore food nor drink starting from that day
As I leave my father that night, I told him to wait for me the next day. It was Saturday and I am going to bring him a present! Something that he would like very much. it took him a lot of effort to answer me. He said " Ok, I will wait for U"
I went to fetch my sister at 9pm. As the hospice would not allow visitors after 8.30pm, we couldn't go immediately. i told my sister to get rest. She will need it for tomorrow. that night, I couldn't sleep. I think deep inside me, I knew my dad's health was failing me fast. I was so afraid that he couldn't wait for me. I was afraid my mobile would ring and bring the bad news I dread. I think it was 4 plus in the morning when I slept.
We went to the hospice late morning. I told my sister to get dressed in brightly colored clothes. I wanted to create a happy and cheerful ambience. When we reach, I walked in, followed by my sister. My usual routine was to touch my dad gently and try to arouse him from his deep sleep. I will hold his right hand and massage it, follow by his left hand. The morning as I hold his right hand, I can feeling him stirring, I told him "Pa, I am here. Can U open your eyes?" He opened his eyes, and I can feel that he was listening to me first. I continued saying" Remember I told you I will bring a present for you? Can U stretch out your left hand and feel it?" He obeyed and when my sister grasped his hand and called him. I saw the unbelievable expression on his face. He tried to sit up but he couldn't. He wanted to see her clearly. So he did the next best thing, he let go of my hand and using 2 hands, he cupped my sister's face closer to him. I knew from that very moment, my dad couldn't see clearly anymore. These few days, he has been listening to me, rather than seeing me! At that moment, I left the room as I feel that that day belong to my sister and him. I had him for the past few months. Whatever I wanted to say had already been said, I sat outside waiting. As I sat there waiting, the doc who was on standby came over and we starts to chat. A while later, we went in. The doc told us she would try to arrange a private room for us sop that we can spend more time with him. My heart sank! Private room means only 1 thing in hospice. That my dad has very little time left and it is meant for people who wants to come and say their last goodbyes. He was sedated heavily as it was getting hard for him to breathe. But he did not go back to sleep. Maybe he knew the end is coming., but finds it hard to talk . He just lay there wide eyed. We only left as he closed his eyes to sleep. It was the most difficult lunch we had. Both me and my sister has no idea what to eat yet we know we must eat so that we have enough energy to go on.
After we came back from lunch, my dad was in deep sleep. He had already been moved to a single room. 2 of my aunts came. They said prayers and sing hymms to him. They urged him to open his eyes to see them. But he did not. It was 5 plus when they left. I told my father that they left with promises to come back the next day. He was still sleeping. Then suddenly he opens his eyes and starts having difficulties breathing. He was struggling and panicky. I held his right hand while my sister held the other hand. We were trying to calm him down but we couldn't. In the end, we have no choice but to ask the nurse to come in and gave him a jab to stabilize him., We left the room while she was doing her job. Less than 5 minutes later, the nurse came out and hold my hands. She told me that his organs are failing rapidly! I shake my head. I couldn't believe it. No! This is what I wanted to shout at her. I asked her what makes her, in her capabilty as a nurse, said my dad's is failing fast? She told me" Girl! Trust me, I have seen enough. Now you must spend time with him because it is any moment now. I ran into the room crying. My sister was in tears too. We cried and hold his hands. He closes his eyes for the final time with us holding his hands. The time was 5.45pm. We cried and then I remember my son who couldn't come as he was having a fever. I called him and told him what had happened and now he must tell grandfather to be strong and that he loves him. Ryan did that and I could see from the corner of my dad's right eyes, a tear rolls down. I told my dad if U can hear, so please be strong. Don't be afraid. We are here.
By this time, my mother had arrived and was creating a din in her usual ways. In her constricted and narrow mind, old folks wives tales had began to overtake her senses. She was wailing, cursing and scolding him at the same time. I was angry and upset. I told my father not to worry about us anymore, we are all grown ups and we should be responsible for ourselves. I whispered to him if the going is too hard, then it is ok to let go. We will understand as he has done his best. It broke my heart to tell him that but I think he needs to be assured. I urged my siblings to follow suit. I told my father what I remembered from my childhood. I told him I loved him and I would remember the things he told me. At 8pm, the nurse urged me to spilt into 2 teams. One to stay behind, another to go home, bathe and come back here. It makes sense. I told my brother to take my sister and my mother home as I have no wish for my mother to interrupt the peace my dad was seeking. My sister already said she would stay the night and I would accompany her. Now I will stay behind with my husband first. They went on their way. I went in and continue to massage my dad. and to talk to him. During this time 2 other aunts came and again they said prayers. They told him that he had already found the way that he was seeking. and that Jesus will welcome him if he allows HIM to. I think my dad felts better after hearing them, I could feel it in his breathing. At 8.30 plus, my aunts want to go home, I told my dad I would walk them out and also to run to the car to retrieve my mobile. And that he has to wait for me. I don't want him to feel alone. As I walks out, I informed the nurse that I just need a couple of minutes to take something from my car. She nodded and ask me to be quick. I said ok. As soon as I took my phone, I walked back. As I walks back, I saw the nurse waving at me wildly, I sprinted to her. She grabbed me by the shoulders and told me" U must and have to be strong! I think he just stopped breathing!" I shakes my head in misbelief. It can't be. I was gone for less than 5mins, and I told him to wait for me!!! That was me raging inside! I am here because I don't want him to feel alone and be afraid. So how could he do this to me? She said she has to do some checks to make sure. I sat down and tried to calm myself now. I was breathing rapidly. After she did everything, She turned and tell me that the time he passed on was 8.40 pm. I started tearing uncontrollably. I screamed at my father's body!" How could you do this to me? I was just away for a while and I told you to wait for me! Why didn't you wait? How could you?"
The rest of the family had turned back and my 2 aunts who just left came back too. As I stared at my father's body, I told myself that he is no longer in pain and he is now in a better place. He had fight a good battle and is now at peace. Suddenly my knees went weak and I was so tired that I just wanted to go home and lie down. I hadn't slept well for the past 1month, and I certainly hasn't been eating well. It was over and I just want to go home, bathe and crawled into my bed.