One of Amber's favourite toy is Barney the purple dinosaur. This dinosaur was inherited from Ryan who got it as a gift from Yolanda, (His 1st best friend's mum ) Barney will sings I love U whenever U press on his tummy. I can't recall Ryan ever being so crazy in love with this soft toy when he got it. He played with it a while and then it was placed at the top of his dressing table til Amber came along. I always thought she will outgrew it like Ryan. But apparently she loves it to pieces.
She will still cuddle him and press on his tummy to make him sing. She get distress when his battery runs out. And when she starts knowing the body parts. She will point to Barney and repeats. It was always quite a sight. And when she watches Barney's dvds, Barney is always not too far away. I was always afraid whenever she sees kids on the streets with Barney head sticking out of the bag, She always have this tendency to get very excited and then hysteria. She does have quite a number of other soft toys but I guess at the moment, Barney and Elmo is her most beloved. She has been learning how to feed herself recently and this morning, Ryan discovered that she had stuffed Barney's mouth full of the honey stars cereal that I gave her for breakfast! It was funny. I wish I remember to take a picture of it. I am sure she will try to do that again so I will try to remember it and captures it down.
Her next favourite Elmo is bigger then her and Elmo doesn't talks and sing. All Elmo ever do was to sit there quietly and hear her babble non stop. The craziest thing she ever did for Elmo was to run up to this kid in Ikea and grabbed him. Just because this kid was wearing an Elmo's Tees. The poor boy must have been traumatised by her so much that he kept pulling at his mum's skirt. I will not be surprised if one day I discover Elmo's mouth full of food too : )
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever
watched kids
Or listened to
the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so
fast
Time is short.
The music won't
last
Do you run through each day
On the
fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your
bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through
your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so
fast
Time is short.
The music won't
last
Ever told your child,
We'll do it
tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good
friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi'
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance
so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You
miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...
Thrown away.
Life is not a
race
Do take it slower
Hear the
music
Before the song is over.
I have seen this poem in my paediatrician's room and it touches me. It brings a topic close to my heart. The words are simple and yet strong. So if we ever get flustered or felt life is too hard. Please remember the words.
Have you ever
watched kids
Or listened to
the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so
fast
Time is short.
The music won't
last
Do you run through each day
On the
fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the
reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your
bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through
your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so
fast
Time is short.
The music won't
last
Ever told your child,
We'll do it
tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good
friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi'
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance
so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't
last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You
miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...
Thrown away.
Life is not a
race
Do take it slower
Hear the
music
Before the song is over.
I have seen this poem in my paediatrician's room and it touches me. It brings a topic close to my heart. The words are simple and yet strong. So if we ever get flustered or felt life is too hard. Please remember the words.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
An ostrich!
I send a message to my girlfriend who is living in New Jersey about 4 year old Charmaine's battle with her illness. I was thinking that perhaps when Charmaine and her mom is in NY, they could get some cheer from some Singaporeans. I think it would lift up their spirits considerably. When U are all alone in a strange land, battling for your life, everything would seem so bleak. And when there are new updates, be it good or bad, U would have no one to share with. I think it is very demoralising! U will feel U are all alone in the world. As I rattle on to my girlfriend last night, I think she was excited and yet afraid. She was excited that she could do something meaningful to while away her time. Her husband's nature of job often took him away, leaving her alone with 2 cats in their apartment. But she was afraid that she might be badly affected by it. She said that on some days when she is feeling lousy, she might not want to be there to give support as it would make her feel worse. I do understand where she is coming from. I used to think like this. If I am feeling lousy why should I go and see or hear about other people's stuff. I was very self centred. Or U could call me an ostrich! If I don't see it then I will not know it. If I don't know it, that it don't exist in my world. That is until my father's illness and death that makes me realise I was wrong. I could do that regardless what I was feeling. When I see the hospice staff who rallied round the patients, the volunteers who come in everyday to try to make the patients comfortable and perhaps also to let them know that they are not forgotten nor alone. I was very touched by it. I feel all these people make the differences in the patients' heart and mind. I leave it to my friend to decide how she would like to help as I am not sure of her capacity. But whichever way she choose, I am sure she will make the right decision that is to her best capabilty.
To a very brave girl named Charmaine
Dear Charmaine,
Hello! U are a very brave girl. I have been reading about you in the newspapers. And I know U will be going to New York city to do treatment for your sickness. Let me tell U something about New York. New York is one of my favorite city in the world. I have been there many many times. There are hot dogs stands in almost all busy streets of the city. The sounds, the atmosphere even the air gave me endless energy. There is a huge park where U can run free, There will be alot of people running their dogs there in the mornings.U will be there in the summer when there will be a lot of games carnivals as it is school holidays for the children in New York. there will be people rollerblading down the streets, everywhere. And the pizzas there are very nice too.
One of my favorite activity was to look out of the windows and see papers flying in the wind. It is very windy there. So often U will see papers flying high up and then floating down again. It always amazes me no end. You will be able to see all these when U are there. Please continue to be strong. I will pray for U each day and I will continue to look out for your news and updates. I look forward to reading about your recovery soon.
Auntie Maggie
Hello! U are a very brave girl. I have been reading about you in the newspapers. And I know U will be going to New York city to do treatment for your sickness. Let me tell U something about New York. New York is one of my favorite city in the world. I have been there many many times. There are hot dogs stands in almost all busy streets of the city. The sounds, the atmosphere even the air gave me endless energy. There is a huge park where U can run free, There will be alot of people running their dogs there in the mornings.U will be there in the summer when there will be a lot of games carnivals as it is school holidays for the children in New York. there will be people rollerblading down the streets, everywhere. And the pizzas there are very nice too.
One of my favorite activity was to look out of the windows and see papers flying in the wind. It is very windy there. So often U will see papers flying high up and then floating down again. It always amazes me no end. You will be able to see all these when U are there. Please continue to be strong. I will pray for U each day and I will continue to look out for your news and updates. I look forward to reading about your recovery soon.
Auntie Maggie
Toys fair
Today we went to a toy fair held at the basement of a shopping mall. Inside, it was packed to the brim with doting parents willingly hang out cash to the cashiers with beaming children. "Lost" parents looking frantically for their children, children's face engulfed with joy and wonders. Hmm.. such high was the level of emotions.
Well, of course I joined the queue for the parents waiting to blow my hard saved money. I bought a DS game, a mini piano, a kitchen set and a vanity set. When I came home, my son immediately become engrossed in his DS game. My daughter's face is buried into the keyboard of the piano.
Poor me! I am reduced to picking up the cardboards that comes with the games. And I never have much luck with reading to my daughter! She threw aside the books the minute we reached home. Sigh! the lure of toys are simply too good to pass up, I guess. regardless the age group
Well, of course I joined the queue for the parents waiting to blow my hard saved money. I bought a DS game, a mini piano, a kitchen set and a vanity set. When I came home, my son immediately become engrossed in his DS game. My daughter's face is buried into the keyboard of the piano.
Poor me! I am reduced to picking up the cardboards that comes with the games. And I never have much luck with reading to my daughter! She threw aside the books the minute we reached home. Sigh! the lure of toys are simply too good to pass up, I guess. regardless the age group
Thursday, July 23, 2009
My father in my dream
Every now and then, I still lapsed into my darker moods. Although the frequency is no longer that short. Sometimes when I pass by the place where my father last lay or when he came home for the last time, I just couldn't managed to suppress the lump in my throat.
Never did I dream that when I took the lift down with him that day when I send him to the hospital, it would also be the last time. he be standing next to me, the last time he went out, and that he would never come home alive. Sometimes I do blame myself. For not being attentive enough, taking things for granted, for keep thinking things would get better. Also for telling him that. Honestly I don't know whether are things truly better?
I am bitter when I hear laughter coming from his flat. I am bitter over a lot of things. Like she wearing bright red not too long after the funeral, she dying and perming her hair. Of course these are her rights. I scanned her face to see whether can I detect a hinge of sadness or something that would made me believe that I was wrong. I don't see it. I wanted badly and needed to know at least she was sad over losing my father, her husband. I did not. To her, it was business as usual. I try not to get angry. I am really trying. The part when I wrote about trying to be nicer to my mother hadn't yet take shape. I don't know why is it so difficult for me! But it truly is. Each time when I am harsh to her, the minute the words left my mouth, I regretted immediately. I have to do better
I have a relative gathering to go to this coming Saturday. I am not keen on going because whenever I joined. I feel this ache inside me. Everyone in that family is so tolerant of each other, they are very giving. They are always having fun and laughing. they enjoyed each other's company and this is what I feel a family should be. Sadly, I never have this feeling when I was growing up. I always feel like I have to watch my words. I never have this type of intimacy and now that my father is gone, it will never materialize.
I did not really keep track of dates but I found out the reason for my dark mood yesterday was because it was the 2nd month anniversary of my father's demise. He appeared to me in my dream. In it, he appear as his post surgery self. Thinner and almost bald. But he was not frail. In my dream, we were at this place when it is crowded and there was this counter that people could chose to collect money. When my father's turn came, the person behind the counter ask him whether he wants to collect everything, my father replied yes because he wants to distribute it. After that he turn to me and said " This way, your mother can't say I never left anything behind!" I was astonished! I must have mumbled something, as he asked me why? What is the matter? Didn't U get anything? U want to talk to her? When I woke up, I can't remember what else happened after that.
Was it a case of bearing grudges against my mother that is why even in my dream, I had thought of telling my father the truth?
Never did I dream that when I took the lift down with him that day when I send him to the hospital, it would also be the last time. he be standing next to me, the last time he went out, and that he would never come home alive. Sometimes I do blame myself. For not being attentive enough, taking things for granted, for keep thinking things would get better. Also for telling him that. Honestly I don't know whether are things truly better?
I am bitter when I hear laughter coming from his flat. I am bitter over a lot of things. Like she wearing bright red not too long after the funeral, she dying and perming her hair. Of course these are her rights. I scanned her face to see whether can I detect a hinge of sadness or something that would made me believe that I was wrong. I don't see it. I wanted badly and needed to know at least she was sad over losing my father, her husband. I did not. To her, it was business as usual. I try not to get angry. I am really trying. The part when I wrote about trying to be nicer to my mother hadn't yet take shape. I don't know why is it so difficult for me! But it truly is. Each time when I am harsh to her, the minute the words left my mouth, I regretted immediately. I have to do better
I have a relative gathering to go to this coming Saturday. I am not keen on going because whenever I joined. I feel this ache inside me. Everyone in that family is so tolerant of each other, they are very giving. They are always having fun and laughing. they enjoyed each other's company and this is what I feel a family should be. Sadly, I never have this feeling when I was growing up. I always feel like I have to watch my words. I never have this type of intimacy and now that my father is gone, it will never materialize.
I did not really keep track of dates but I found out the reason for my dark mood yesterday was because it was the 2nd month anniversary of my father's demise. He appeared to me in my dream. In it, he appear as his post surgery self. Thinner and almost bald. But he was not frail. In my dream, we were at this place when it is crowded and there was this counter that people could chose to collect money. When my father's turn came, the person behind the counter ask him whether he wants to collect everything, my father replied yes because he wants to distribute it. After that he turn to me and said " This way, your mother can't say I never left anything behind!" I was astonished! I must have mumbled something, as he asked me why? What is the matter? Didn't U get anything? U want to talk to her? When I woke up, I can't remember what else happened after that.
Was it a case of bearing grudges against my mother that is why even in my dream, I had thought of telling my father the truth?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friends are for life.
Last Saturday was spend clubs hopping. We started at Bali lane and ended up at Clarke quay. Honestly, I don't really care where we go. It was the company that matter to me. I was in good company and was looking forward to hanging out with my friends. Some of them, I hadn't seen for a while.
I realised that a lot of my good friends are friends that I have known for a long time. Some of them are from school, some of them I met while modelling and some of them are from my flying days. And although we do not often caught up, we always managed to talk and have fun. Time has never been an issue with us. All of my good friends are special to me. When I need to vent, I knew who to look for. The patient ones who would listen and hear me out. When I need advice, I usually go to those whom I feel have an unique eye for details. They are usually those that made me see more. And when there are gossip to pass around, there are those that I knew that would enjoy it as much as I did. The times when I am sad, I too knew who can I share it with.
And the times when I was down, I knew that my 'bestest friend' would fly back to be with me if I ever ask her. We both enjoyed most things. the same humour, the same jokes.She is staying in America right now. So all that distance us are the vast lands and oceans. I always thought we might grow further apart, with all the happenings in our lives. We knew each other in school, went to work at different areas, I was busy exploring my life with my newly found friends and also the world, grow up and get married. I went away to stay in Shanghai not too long after that. She too, got married, divorced and found another man to share her life with. All these while, we hadn't lose touch with one another. Partly, she was the one who had do the maintaining in the begining. She was the one who called me weekly when I was away in Tokyo, pinning away, lonely and sad! She was the one who send funny mails to me when I was in my Shanghai's office and makes me laugh out loud! We keep reminding each other to be truthful to our friendship and should the need arise, tell the offensive party off.
Of course at our saddest, we had each other. When her marriage broke down,she flew to Shanghai and spend time with me. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, she was the 1st friend I told to. She cried with me.
The old regret is that we might not be able to grow old together physically but hopefully, we can grow old together mentally.
I guess this is what friendship is all about. Nothing matters as long as U enjoy the company. Cheers to the friends in this world. U are what it makes it bearable
I realised that a lot of my good friends are friends that I have known for a long time. Some of them are from school, some of them I met while modelling and some of them are from my flying days. And although we do not often caught up, we always managed to talk and have fun. Time has never been an issue with us. All of my good friends are special to me. When I need to vent, I knew who to look for. The patient ones who would listen and hear me out. When I need advice, I usually go to those whom I feel have an unique eye for details. They are usually those that made me see more. And when there are gossip to pass around, there are those that I knew that would enjoy it as much as I did. The times when I am sad, I too knew who can I share it with.
And the times when I was down, I knew that my 'bestest friend' would fly back to be with me if I ever ask her. We both enjoyed most things. the same humour, the same jokes.She is staying in America right now. So all that distance us are the vast lands and oceans. I always thought we might grow further apart, with all the happenings in our lives. We knew each other in school, went to work at different areas, I was busy exploring my life with my newly found friends and also the world, grow up and get married. I went away to stay in Shanghai not too long after that. She too, got married, divorced and found another man to share her life with. All these while, we hadn't lose touch with one another. Partly, she was the one who had do the maintaining in the begining. She was the one who called me weekly when I was away in Tokyo, pinning away, lonely and sad! She was the one who send funny mails to me when I was in my Shanghai's office and makes me laugh out loud! We keep reminding each other to be truthful to our friendship and should the need arise, tell the offensive party off.
Of course at our saddest, we had each other. When her marriage broke down,she flew to Shanghai and spend time with me. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, she was the 1st friend I told to. She cried with me.
The old regret is that we might not be able to grow old together physically but hopefully, we can grow old together mentally.
I guess this is what friendship is all about. Nothing matters as long as U enjoy the company. Cheers to the friends in this world. U are what it makes it bearable
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Fat? Who? Me? Whatever!
I was having a conversation with 1 of my best friends today. We don't see each other often but whenever we talk or hang out, I had always enjoy it. She was telling me that she was posting a status update on whether should she get another pair of flats on facebook. She started getting a few replies to it.There was this particular comment from a long lost friend which had upset her abit. In his comment to her post, he said "go get it as it is not easy to find one pair of flats in FAT size"!!! Fat size!!! Since when has size 38 been a fat size for a 1.7m tall lady??And to say it in capital letters!! Now this is calling for war! This is just not so nice and totally unacceptable. My girlfriend had the grace to take it in her stride initially but after repeats of that word. I think she just had it and wrote on the post asking him to F#@& off.
I would to state on my blog, my girlfriend is not anywhere near the likes of Lydia Sum, Queen Latifah. In fact I feel she belongs to the Kate Hudson's league. Ex model and multiple pageants winner. With a mind of her own. She can holds a brillant conversation anytime of the day.Put her in any clubs, I think she would still give younger girls a run for their money. And now she is called FAT virtually in her face! From someone whom she has not seen for years! PLEASEEEeeeeee....
I understand where is she coming from, I had my own little 'Fat' incident yesterday in my office's lift. A lady who works in one of the offices was inside. I did not see her as I walked in as I was busy texting on my mobile. She called to me and we said hi. I went back to texting after that. Less than 2 secs, she exclaimed in horror "Oh! U still have a tummy!" I stopped in whatever I was doing. Huh? Who? Me? It took me another 2 sec for me to regain my composure. I was like "Whatever!" But I was rolling my eyes when I said it. This particular lady when in her heels come up to my shoulders was implying I am fat!!! Of course as I walked out of the lift, I was like fuming! How dare she! By night time, I have come round to the fact that perhaps some people are like this. They feel they have to pick out someone to 'attack' and thus elevating their status or moods. I called them pathetic. Whether my girlfriend or me are fat or not, it doesn't matter. It is because we already reach the stage where we are happy at who we are, where we are right now.We are never going to be in the regions of Kate Moss, and wear size 0 again. Size 4 and 6 are our new dress sizes. But heck! Who cares! So to whoever U are, Whatever!
U can be sure that me and my girlfriend are going to hang out very soon and drinking to your poor souls!
I would to state on my blog, my girlfriend is not anywhere near the likes of Lydia Sum, Queen Latifah. In fact I feel she belongs to the Kate Hudson's league. Ex model and multiple pageants winner. With a mind of her own. She can holds a brillant conversation anytime of the day.Put her in any clubs, I think she would still give younger girls a run for their money. And now she is called FAT virtually in her face! From someone whom she has not seen for years! PLEASEEEeeeeee....
I understand where is she coming from, I had my own little 'Fat' incident yesterday in my office's lift. A lady who works in one of the offices was inside. I did not see her as I walked in as I was busy texting on my mobile. She called to me and we said hi. I went back to texting after that. Less than 2 secs, she exclaimed in horror "Oh! U still have a tummy!" I stopped in whatever I was doing. Huh? Who? Me? It took me another 2 sec for me to regain my composure. I was like "Whatever!" But I was rolling my eyes when I said it. This particular lady when in her heels come up to my shoulders was implying I am fat!!! Of course as I walked out of the lift, I was like fuming! How dare she! By night time, I have come round to the fact that perhaps some people are like this. They feel they have to pick out someone to 'attack' and thus elevating their status or moods. I called them pathetic. Whether my girlfriend or me are fat or not, it doesn't matter. It is because we already reach the stage where we are happy at who we are, where we are right now.We are never going to be in the regions of Kate Moss, and wear size 0 again. Size 4 and 6 are our new dress sizes. But heck! Who cares! So to whoever U are, Whatever!
U can be sure that me and my girlfriend are going to hang out very soon and drinking to your poor souls!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
How to have a good night sleep without being interrupted?
These 2 months, Amber has been getting up frequently in the nights, either wanting to drink milk ( her 1st choice! ) or getting water to drink. I have been trying to tired her out during the day or before she sleeps each night but to no avail. It is always a losing battle for me. I am the one who ends up sleeping out of exhaustion. I am starting to wonder whether is this a symptoms of terrible 2. She will be 2 this coming Sept.
I never have terrible 2 symptoms with Ryan. He had always been quiet when young and can often play quietly for a while before falling asleep and of course there is no crisis whenever bedtime arrives. In fact, it is always an uphill task trying to keep him awake. Even til now, he still falls asleep easily.
The difference of the 2 kids. But yet,this is what parenthood is all about, isn't it? I hadn't been out with my friends for a while. I am starting to wonder what was I doing prior to having kids? Sigh! And yet, the kids are adding color to my otherwise monotone life
I never have terrible 2 symptoms with Ryan. He had always been quiet when young and can often play quietly for a while before falling asleep and of course there is no crisis whenever bedtime arrives. In fact, it is always an uphill task trying to keep him awake. Even til now, he still falls asleep easily.
The difference of the 2 kids. But yet,this is what parenthood is all about, isn't it? I hadn't been out with my friends for a while. I am starting to wonder what was I doing prior to having kids? Sigh! And yet, the kids are adding color to my otherwise monotone life
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Amber and Ryan. My very animated and active daughter and my very worrying son!!!
Let's begin writing a not so new topic. My children! We will start with Amber 1st. Well, Ryan, you know the rules! LADIES 1ST!!!
Amber is turning 2 soon. Time really passes by so fast that I feel that I am not even ready for her to grow up. I was walking past a poster in my neighbourhood the other day and something in that poster caught my eye. It was a nursery school intake for children born in 2007. Hmm... that is not for my Amber, right? I walked away, a second later, I gasped! It was indeed for Amber! She is born in 07. Oh my god!!! I think I am about to faint. I think I must have turn a tad too green. Amber was looking at me curiously. But that is another story.
I spend the next few days, thinking should I go and sign her up so that I can get away from her for 2 hours a day? Is Amber ready? Is it too fast? Isn't it cruel to let children go to school at this age. I mean shouldn't it be illegal. Err... apparently not in this part of the world. Babies can go to centres, designated for them as soon as the mother's maternity leave is over!
Anyway questions and answers are all racing through my head. My conclusion is I AM THE COWARD! I keep making excuses for Amber. Which brings to mind a story about Ryan. We were staying in Shanghai then when I felt that it would be better for him to go to school to mingle with kids of his age. He had always been a very quiet toddler. Nothing like Amber now. He was also late in speaking SO after much searching around, I send him to ISS which is very near our house. The 1st week, each day I left him , he was crying and in so much tears that I start asking myself whether am I doing this right? Of course things starts to pick up as he made firm friends with another Ryan. They were like partners in crime. I remembered later that term, Ryan had to speak out in front of audiences. I was like' can he do it?" His teacher Mrs Gracie assured me that he can. That day arrived. When it was his turn to speak, I held my breath. Then I heard him speak. So distinctively clear, I teared. It was just 1 word but to me, it was music to my ears.WOAH!!!!That is my boy!
Going back to Amber, I think school would definitely be ok with her but I am not yet ready for her to leave me yet. Now there! I am a wimp! I think I will send her next year in stead. Mean while I will just keep finding excuses.
A break? Maybe an excuse for my laziness!!
After writing my last post, I realised I do need to need a small break as the tone and setting for my blog was getting too heavy. It wasn't meant to be like this. Anyway, I am back! TADAHHHhhhhhhh! Perhaps my sis's return has some effects on me. But the week had passed by too fast. She is back in Australia now. So now I must spend this 2 months, getting my ticket to go see her when she graduates in Sept. Looking forward to it as I had promised my father on his deathbed that I will not let her be at her convocation alone.
Actually the past few weeks, nights had been a terrible time for me. I don't know why I keep getting flashbacks of my father's last days. And when I finally managed to shake it off, I was already very much exhausted. But today, this afternoon, as I was lying down in my living room, I was looking out of my windows, I saw the last few days' dark clouds had dispersed and there were lights coming out of the clouds. My spirits lifted up considerably too. I felt perhaps this was a sign that I should finally move on after the last few month's misery and sadness.
As I lie down in bed with Amber earlier, I still get the occasional sadness coming awash at me but at least tonight, I am not dwelling on it. I did not need to spend a lot of efforts in trying to overcome it. The lump in my throat doesn't seem that diffcult to swallow.
This is Amber looking out to the garden on my brother in law's wedding day. Nice. I LIKE IT
Monday, July 6, 2009
Afternote
Sorry to the people who are reading my blog. I hadn't meant for it to get this heavy tone. Please bear with me for a little while more while I try to flush my darkness out. To those people who don't know me personally, I must say that I am usually not this pathetic. In fact a lot of my friends will tell U that I am one of the most happy go lucky people in this world!!!So I will try real hard because I want this blog to serve as a memory back up and not a place for me to vent out my anger and unleash the sadness in it.
As a form of apology I offer you a picture of Amber. Hahaha! In a cute pose
6/7/2009
I can't think of a good title for this post so I will tentatively named it as today's date. Hadn't been doing a lot of stuff. Had been a rainy day so it was cooling for a change. The ID came over in the afternoon to discuss what are the changes I would like to make in my dinning area and living room. As I was going through the drawings, I was once again reminded of my father. He was still here when I had my bedrooms revamped and change of the kitchen cabinets. At that time he was already diagnosed with the illness and was going through radiation therapy. Still he makes a habit to come over to my flat each day to 'supervise' as my husband likes to calls it. Now as I am preparing to revamp my living and dinning area, he is no longer able to do that for me.
Actually I can't help it, I can't help thinking of him on most days. It is not I am not able to walk out , to face up to the reality without him around. I mean I can laugh and carry out my normal activities but somehow or rather, there will always be stuff, waiting to remind me of him. Like when I spot a lizard in the house the other night. the 1st thing that comes to my mind was who is going to help me clear the lizard should I 'exterminates' it? Since young, I always have a phobia of lizards, well, in fact all crawlies. I think I inherited this behaviour from my mother. My father has always be my hero. He was always there to rescue me. Even when I grow up and is brave enough to kill it. I hadn't mustered the courage to pick it up and throw it away. My dad usually do it for me. Now that he is gone, I just have to do it myself or ask my husband to do it for me.
Today I met up with my auntie ( My father's younger sister ) She was curious and wanted to know whether did I dreamt of my dad after he is gone. Actually I did and usually I like talking about my dreams with him inside but today I didn't feel like talking about it. Perhaps I was tired and also I was very affected by the discovery of the note that my dad had written.
Last week, a letter from the CPF board came in, telling me I was one of the nominated few who was entitled to remaining CPF and shares. When I read it's contents, I wept. I hadn't anticipated this. I mean, when he was still alive. He hadn't told me about this. he had only verbally says what was to be divided in the bank account that I held with him. He had told my sister exactly the same thing. The same proportion that he told me. So our stories tally. But now my mother is insisting this wasn't what he told her. Somehow I have this feeling that my dad had already anticipates this and that was why my name was included instead of my mother's. Anyway I am not letting this bother me too much I figure she will try to lay her hands on it sooner or later but as long as I stand firm then I guess there is nothing she can do about it. She will cry, use tactics, use filial piety or emotional blackmail. But I will hold fast to it. At least this is what I can do for my sister.
I was wrong when I labelled one of my earlier blog ' A father's last gift'. I don't think it is suitable for it now. I have come to realize that perhaps there is no last gift. His wisdom , love and understanding of me was the best gift to me. And I shall forever hold it dearly in my heart.
Actually I can't help it, I can't help thinking of him on most days. It is not I am not able to walk out , to face up to the reality without him around. I mean I can laugh and carry out my normal activities but somehow or rather, there will always be stuff, waiting to remind me of him. Like when I spot a lizard in the house the other night. the 1st thing that comes to my mind was who is going to help me clear the lizard should I 'exterminates' it? Since young, I always have a phobia of lizards, well, in fact all crawlies. I think I inherited this behaviour from my mother. My father has always be my hero. He was always there to rescue me. Even when I grow up and is brave enough to kill it. I hadn't mustered the courage to pick it up and throw it away. My dad usually do it for me. Now that he is gone, I just have to do it myself or ask my husband to do it for me.
Today I met up with my auntie ( My father's younger sister ) She was curious and wanted to know whether did I dreamt of my dad after he is gone. Actually I did and usually I like talking about my dreams with him inside but today I didn't feel like talking about it. Perhaps I was tired and also I was very affected by the discovery of the note that my dad had written.
Last week, a letter from the CPF board came in, telling me I was one of the nominated few who was entitled to remaining CPF and shares. When I read it's contents, I wept. I hadn't anticipated this. I mean, when he was still alive. He hadn't told me about this. he had only verbally says what was to be divided in the bank account that I held with him. He had told my sister exactly the same thing. The same proportion that he told me. So our stories tally. But now my mother is insisting this wasn't what he told her. Somehow I have this feeling that my dad had already anticipates this and that was why my name was included instead of my mother's. Anyway I am not letting this bother me too much I figure she will try to lay her hands on it sooner or later but as long as I stand firm then I guess there is nothing she can do about it. She will cry, use tactics, use filial piety or emotional blackmail. But I will hold fast to it. At least this is what I can do for my sister.
I was wrong when I labelled one of my earlier blog ' A father's last gift'. I don't think it is suitable for it now. I have come to realize that perhaps there is no last gift. His wisdom , love and understanding of me was the best gift to me. And I shall forever hold it dearly in my heart.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Pain and anguish and enlightenment? Perhaps.
That night when we reached home, after I put Amber to bed, I took out some of the papers that I salvaged from my father's suitcase. This suitcase has been with my father for a long time. But as old age catches up with him, I think he forgot the combination numbers to the lock. I hadn't seen him opening it for years. After his demise, my mother wanted to break open the suitcase and see what was inside. I objected. This was because I feel it was a sign of disrespect. And also I wanted to know what numbers my father had used. It was important to me as it would tell me why it was that particular combinations that he used. I wanted to try all the combination numbers. I figured it wasn't too hard as there were only 3 rolls of numbers so there could only be 999 combinations. I tried for a few days to open it, starting from 000 to 999. All the numbers did not work. I think it was because the lock was old and hadn't been opened for a while. I gave up after a week. In the end , I pried it open. Inside the case, there wasn't a lot of things. Just some documents and old pictures. There were also bank drafts stating he had send money in the 80s to my grandfather's relatives in China. Old letters to a pen pal from Taiwan.There were 2 certs stating that he had attended a silkscreen and a Chinese shorthand course. One of the certs had his picture glued on it. I rescued the certs and the old pictures. I am sure if I don't do it, all contents would be thrown down the rubbish chute. True enough, after I handed the contents to my mother, she took a glance at them and threw them down the rubbish chute. At that moment, I just wish I had saved more. My heart ached in that instant.
As my sister and I were going through those pictures, my sister found a diary note that my dad had written years ago. Inside the note, he wrote of the change in my mother. And the pains he went through. It was written in Chinese and some of the characters doesn't make sense to 2 of us, We re read it over and over again and try to piece it up. But all we could managed was to guess and have a brief outline of the events. I do have some collections of it as I am the oldest among my siblings. I told my sister that and also I recalled my dad mentioning it before. I had put it aside. But at that moment, my heart went all out to my father as I imagined the agony he must have gone through at that time. My perception of the letter was he had contemplate divorcing her and if it wasn't us, I think he might. I told my sister that night, that at that time when things was bad, I had already made up my mind that I would chose to go with my dad should my parents divorced!
As I had mentioned before my relationship with my mother has always been rocky. I often envied my friends who had fantastic conversations with my their mothers and fun shopping trips. I can't remember the last time that I had a good conversation with my mother. Or whether did we ever ? Each time, we ended up having a shouting match! Or the frequent scenario would be she asking me about something, and I would grunt or mumble some inaudible reply. Days after my dad's death, I had told myself I would try hard to be nice to her. But it is hard. She wasn't not the easiest person to get along with. A lot of times, the things she do is beyond my comprehension!
I didn't really sleep well that night. My heart was pounding fast. and it was the wee hours in the morning before I finally come to the conclusion. I decide not to pursue the contents of the note anymore. I would remember it and put it away to the back of my mind. I knew at that time, it must have been very painful for my dad, which is why he wrote it down. And now I know and understand his pain. But my dad is gone now. In my heart, he has gone to heaven and is no suffering from the emotions of this world . Whatever he had gone through in his lifetime, is gone too together with his demise.I promised to myself to try hard to forgive my mother for the pain and suffering she had put my father through over the years. I think this would be what my dad wants to. Maybe also when I try to forgive, my heart is not so heavy and in learning to forgive, this might be a way to redeem myself??
Arrival 3/7
My sister had arrived last Friday evening. After picking her up at Changi airport, we later had dinner ( Turkish food ) and later drinks at East Coast. It was kind of nice as we don't often do this. The breeze was cool and the beach was crowded. I saw a man in his sixties learning to roller blade for the 1st time. I was impressed by his courage and felt kind of ashamed that I hadn't plucked up the courage to do a lot of things. There was a time after my father's surgery, I had promised to learn driving and get my driving licence by his next birthday. Hmm.. I never got round to doing it.
My dad was a man of a lot of determination. I remembered years ago, after he had retired, he got himself a small keyboard piano and resolved to learn to play it. I was like " Are U sure?" but did not ask him so. I figured he had spend enough time working and providing for the family while he was in his prime.After retirement, he had all the time in the world to do what he like best. My dad did figured out how to play the piano. He never took lessons but makes notes and practice in his own way. Every now and then, in the afternoon, there would be music coming out of his flat. Of cause, at first it was slow and hesitating. Slowly, it got better. And he could carry a decent tune. So it proves that age does not deter a person's ability.
My dad was a man of a lot of determination. I remembered years ago, after he had retired, he got himself a small keyboard piano and resolved to learn to play it. I was like " Are U sure?" but did not ask him so. I figured he had spend enough time working and providing for the family while he was in his prime.After retirement, he had all the time in the world to do what he like best. My dad did figured out how to play the piano. He never took lessons but makes notes and practice in his own way. Every now and then, in the afternoon, there would be music coming out of his flat. Of cause, at first it was slow and hesitating. Slowly, it got better. And he could carry a decent tune. So it proves that age does not deter a person's ability.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Food for thoughts
It had been 3 days since my bro in law's wedding. And it took me that long to recuperate!!! Sigh! One of the signs of old age?? We had stayed past 1 am. So it was 2plus in the morning when we came home and get ready for bed. As I mentioned in an earlier post, about the dressing of our locals, well, I must comment that this time round, most guests are pretty well dressed. I was pretty impressed. Perhaps it was the young crowd that make it so visual appealing.
The only nit is that I wish that they were more punctual. We had dutifully informed all guests that cocktails would starts at 6.30, there would be photo taking upon arrival. As it was a working day the next day, we had hoped that dinner could commence at 8pm sharp, so that everyone may go home early. Well, most guests did. And then there were the black sheep. There were a number who came late and thus delaying the process. One relative even came after 8pm and also had the courtesy to make rude comments about the wedding reception. I was like totally caught off guard. Well all along she wasn't exactly my favourite among the relatives. This particular relative had a sharp mouth and was frequently rude, even to her own folks. I always keep my distance. If I wasn't the only family at the reception table, I guess I would not be 'rushing' to usher her in.
While dinner was served, a live band was playing. that was the fun part. It was like a mini concert. We sang and swayed along. And when the bride serenaded the groom with a song, it was a tender moment embedded in the guests's memories.
The next day, the highlight was to count the amount of money given by the guests. Again I must say I am pretty impressed with some of the ideas that people came up with. My bro in law actually opened up a red packet with KFC's vouchers in it. The amount was $15. Hmm... It sure was memorable and would make a good after dinner topic for a while. The other memorable gift was a $100 bill note from the 60s. the groom decided to keep it for himself as a memento. I guess the market value for this note would be about $120. I remembered my own memorable gift at my wedding 10 over years ago, someone gave me a box of soap from crabtree and evelyn. I was puzzled for a while but it soon dawn on me who is the giver. Anyway I have no ill will towards the person. But it sure was memorable. I wonder whether does the giver remembers it each time she sees me?
The only nit is that I wish that they were more punctual. We had dutifully informed all guests that cocktails would starts at 6.30, there would be photo taking upon arrival. As it was a working day the next day, we had hoped that dinner could commence at 8pm sharp, so that everyone may go home early. Well, most guests did. And then there were the black sheep. There were a number who came late and thus delaying the process. One relative even came after 8pm and also had the courtesy to make rude comments about the wedding reception. I was like totally caught off guard. Well all along she wasn't exactly my favourite among the relatives. This particular relative had a sharp mouth and was frequently rude, even to her own folks. I always keep my distance. If I wasn't the only family at the reception table, I guess I would not be 'rushing' to usher her in.
While dinner was served, a live band was playing. that was the fun part. It was like a mini concert. We sang and swayed along. And when the bride serenaded the groom with a song, it was a tender moment embedded in the guests's memories.
The next day, the highlight was to count the amount of money given by the guests. Again I must say I am pretty impressed with some of the ideas that people came up with. My bro in law actually opened up a red packet with KFC's vouchers in it. The amount was $15. Hmm... It sure was memorable and would make a good after dinner topic for a while. The other memorable gift was a $100 bill note from the 60s. the groom decided to keep it for himself as a memento. I guess the market value for this note would be about $120. I remembered my own memorable gift at my wedding 10 over years ago, someone gave me a box of soap from crabtree and evelyn. I was puzzled for a while but it soon dawn on me who is the giver. Anyway I have no ill will towards the person. But it sure was memorable. I wonder whether does the giver remembers it each time she sees me?
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