Pain? My God! It feels so good

In a spur of the moment, I decided to go for an hour of foot reflexology with PQ this afternoon. We just had lunch in Tanglin Mall and were deciding where to go next. With no motivation to stay further in malls, and not wanting to go home just like that. We decided that we could just go and get our feet relax in HV.
It had been a long time since I last had a massage. It was really delicious pain. As the masseuse knead away my tensions of ages, I was all ready to fall asleep. Soothing music, subtle lighting etc. Mmm.. It was really heavenly. Alas the hour was fast gone than u can blink your eye : (
It was too soon. Sigh! I really should try do this more often.
And I managed to track an old classmate, well not exactly. Rather he was the one who recognised me and called me. He got my name wrong though! I got his number and told him that we would be having another gathering soon. so we would be contacting him. Goody good! I can't wait to round up more people for the gathering

One year ago

One year ago, this time last year was when I first learnt of my father's illness. It was a terrible shock then. And til now, it still is. In another few days, it will be the 3 rd month since he died. I don't think I have exactly come to terms with his death. Some days, I woke up and think of him, wishing that he would just be here, at his usual place, doing his usual stuff. I would have a very strong feeling that if I will to open my door that very second, he would be outside. The feeling is so strong that sometimes I felt that I would really see him again. Of course it is not possible anymore. And when that thought struck me, I would feel terrible all over again. Not many nights ago, I was in bed, trying to sleep. I must have drifted in and out of it. And I must have dreamt. I distinctively had a dream of my father, walking away from me. Further and further til he was just a tiny dot. He would not turn his head no matter how I screamed and cried. I begged him to turn around and look at me but he would not. he just keep on walking and walking. I woke up with such a terrible pain in my heart that I felt I could not breathe.
My sister said it must be my father trying to make it easier for me by not turning back to look at me. But I said it did not ease my pains. Instead it brings it to a whole new high.
And my mother is not making it easier. She had wanted to transfer her name to the billing of some household's bills. And when she made reference to my father, she refer to him or your old man! My anger was at a boiling point. I can't figure out why she can't bring herself to say your father/ Does she hates him so much that long after he is gone, she is still nursing her 'grievances'
And it hurts me terribly. I can't talk to her anymore. Nowadays I am just trying to get by by being on civil terms with her but it is so so difficult.
I went to the place where my father's ashes was placed a couple of week ago. I was still red eyed. I don't want to but I can't help it. I am really trying.
I had looked forward to him living past this year. I didn't feel that this illness was going to get him down or take him away. We would have celebrated it with a big bang.

A joke? Or the truth? U decide

One of my friends forwarded a text message to me last Friday. It goes like this
" A man ask God why does He make women to be so beautiful? God answered so that man could love them. The man ask again why does God makes women so dumb? God pause for a while and said " so they they could love U! "
I find it funny and yet so true.

A school reunion

I went out for a school gathering last night. I hadn't seen most of them since we left school more than 15 years ago. I hadn't always been a stickler for reunions because of the fact that there is always something exciting waiting for me around the corner. Apart from some class girls that I meet on a regular basis, well, the rest is but a spot in my limited memory.
Anyway it was fun meeting up last night, despite the poor showing. There are always people who couldn't make it at the last minute. there were endless laughter, poking fun at each others. 7 of us were there, not all of us are from the same class but we all were or are connected in some way.
There was this particular girl whom I shall named R. We were from the same primary school and then went on to the same secondary. I remember I have never been particularly fond of her as there is always this nagging feeling I have about her. I felt and still feel that she likes to observe people and then stored it away in her mind, waiting for a chance to make a person feel or look bad or felt small. Apparition is what I would describe her as. And using every single chance to haunt others. True enough, she ask me about a friend LS whom I had since lost contact, what we had quarrelled about in our youth. Was it over some photos or? I was stumped for a while not because I have nothing to answer but the thing was I never remembered having a confrontation with LS. The only thing I remember was she likes this boy in my class and I ended up dating him. I admitted to that misjudgement on my part though. I must have scarred that poor friend of mine. But I did confessed to her myself as I did not want her to learn of the news through others. She bursted into tears and I was flabbergasted. I hadn't thought of that. She hanged up on me. And shortly not too long later, some other people confronted me. We made peace after a while but of course, our friendship was never the same. It was a mistake. But theat was a part of youth isn't it? We all learn from mistakes, I hope.
Anyway this lost friend of ours, had never quite forgiven me, I supposed. R was saying she was all the while, pretty weird. Not wanting to joined them in their yearly gathering. She had insisted not to be tagged in FB as it would result in her students and colleagues knowing where she was from! She is now a teacher.I find that truly amazing. I mean, isn't it part of a person's identity? And does a person truly get penalised on where she is from? Well, I don't feel that way. Why would she want to wipe that memory away and does coming from that particular school makes her a lesser person? And amazingly, she had changed her english name too, she now goes by the name GT. Why would she feel ashamed of the fact that she was from there? So given a chance, she would like to wipe her slate clean? But that would mean denying herself and all of us whom had gone to school with. So what if we are judged constantly? It would only truly matter only when she looks down on herself and can't get over the fact she was once there, as a student. Well, GET OVER IT! YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE FACTS THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE OR FELT ASHAMED OF! So here's to you, my school. TIONG BAHRU SECONDARY SCHOOL.

9/8/2009

This week, Singapore is experiencing her annual "perfume spillover" from Indonesia. It is causing me to cough more in my sleep and dry throat. Coupled with hot weather, well Singapore is not the most attractive place to be in right now.
Today Singapore celebrates her 44th birthday. As with the norm, there will be a grand display of fireworks at the finale. I will be watching the fireworks from my sister in law's place.She lives in this apartment where it oversee the nicest view of the CBD, an expressway and the sea. The view is fabulous. So I will be having dinner and ice cream as a desserts while enjoying it. So Happy birthday to U, my country.
My favourite National Day song is Home

Whenever I am feeling low
I look around me and I know
There's a place that will stay within me,
whenever I may choose to go, I will always recall the city, know every street and shore
sails down the river which brings us life, winding through my Singapore
This is home truly, where I know I must be, where my dreams wait for me, where the river always flows. This is home surely. As my senses tell me. this is where I won't be alone. For this is where I know it's home.
When there are troubles to go through, We 'll find a way to start anew. There is comfort in the knowledge, that home's about it's people too.
So we will build our dreams together, just like we've done before
Just like the river which brings us life. there will always be Singapore.
This is home truly, where I know I must be, where my dreams wait for me, where the river always flows. As my senses tell me, This is where I won't be alone. For this is where I know it's home.

This song was sung in 1998 , the year when I first went to Shanghai. I liked it instantly. I always associate this song with my father. I don't know why at that time. He is no longer here anymore, I realised that it was because he was always the one that holds the family together. In another few days will be the 1st anniversary of his diagnosis. I was always hopeful that he will live past this period. Even during this April, I was still ever hopeful.

An text message from my father's friend

Earlier tonight, I received an text massage from my father's friend Mr Choo. He told me that he had been to the Mandai Columbarium to see my father. It was so thoughtful of him. I am overwhelmed by his devotion to my father. I am not sure when they met. I only knew that he was learning Karaoke under my father. So I resume that they only met within the past ten years. And he had always been the one picking my father up post his surgery. When my father was able to walked and ventured out for 1, 2 hours on Sunday. Any longer, and it drains him physically.
In his message to me, he expressed his sorrows of missing him, and asking how are the family. Especially my sister whom he must have realised that my father had been hanging on to see her for the last time. I thanked him and tell him we are all fine. That my sister had been back to see my father during early July and had since gone back to Australia. I told him that I will be travelling to Australia to see her graduated as promised to my father on his deathbed.
Mr Choo replied saying my father would have been most proud that he had us. Proud, I am not too sure. Everyone has their own demons. I have mine too. Especially the days when I am feeling down, flashbacks of my father keep replaying inside my mind. I just wish I had been more vigilant but it is too late now. All I can do is to do what I had promised. This way, I think my father will be in peace. At least my sister is not alone when she is in her full glory and honours. This is something that had always been weighing on my father's mind even when he is undergoing treatments and when death beckons, he always repeat this wish to his doctors. He, too keep mentioning to me and repeating it every single week. So I will be carrying out the promise and perhaps I will find some peace within myself.

An afternote :
My aunt called me a couple of days later, saying Mr Choo had been in contact with her. He had commented to my aunt that my father had taught me well as I was most courteous towards him. I replied saying it was the least I should do for my father at this point. I wanted to preserve his memories as much as I can. And also by respect his friends, I am also respecting my father. My aunt says she was very bothered by the things that my mum and her sister had been saying about my father. She says it pains her and also because of the stuff that they said are not my father at all. I said I know but I have no wish to be drawn into it. I know what my father was like. And everyone who know him well would also know that all these are not true. So it is not important at all. If others would to take my mother's words as the truth, then they don't know my father well. So all the more it wouldn't matter.

With age comes wisdom???

As I wrote in my previous entry about ageing and also we should be all the more wiser. Well, not necessary as I found out. I have a friend whom we shall name GK.
GK is a year older than I am. She is pretty with a huge appetite of humour and endless fun to be with. She is witty and clever during outings and eloquent with words. We met through one of my best friends YW. They were the best of friends, having grown up together and then having the same job. But over the years, they have grown apart. The main reason was whenever GK falls in love or had a new relationship, she will morphs into this scary monster. Someone that we do not recognise at all. This has happened in all her previous relationships. Her 1st marriage failed within the 1st year and she turns into this suicidal person whose only wish was to make her husband comes back to her. He did not, instead he took off with a dancer! At that time that was my 1st brush with her insanity. I was worried to death, not knowing whether each conversation with her was going to be her last or not? It was very draining and the last straw was when she swallowed pills and drank alcohol. She was almost unconscious when I reached her place. After endless banging on her door, she finally muster enough strength to open and let us in. Inside her house, I seen shoes scattered everywhere, half eaten food strewn on the table and soiled plates lining up everywhere. there was also a stench. YW wasn't surprised, she told me that all along the house has all been in this kind of condition. So anyway to cut a story short, GK survived and then starts all over again with the wrong type of people! One after another, none of her relationship really works.
There is always something wrong with all the people she was seeing. I remember one particular guy. He was shorter than GK, plump and not exactly good looking. And he was loaded with money. He would pick her up in all fancy cars. I used to called him Uncle Fester (as in Adams family ). The thing is GK will threw a fit each time they quarrel. I don't know what ignites the fights but it always ends up GK hurting herself. By this time, I had sort of washed my hands off her love life. I only found out how bad things are when YW updates me. GK would turn up half drunk at Uncle fester's house and threw herself onto the pavement. She would bawled and yelled til either his mum comes out or til the neighbours called the police. Which always ended up badly. Uncle fester would retaliate by not answering her calls or worse resorting to bodily hurt. Which drives GK more insane. YW finally also gave up on her when GK in a drunken temper punches YW's boyfriend at that time. Needless to say, we all heaved a sigh of relief when they truly broke up for good.
Not too long ago, GK started seeing this guy who had been thrown out of the house by his wife. They started off real sweet but then I think this guy is starting to be tired of GK. He has been asking for a break up but GK says she is not letting go without a fight. I am starting to see a calmity ahead

Me, myself and Irene

A couple of nights ago, I was at the East Coast, celebrating one of my friend's birthday. She turned 40. there were plenty of wines to go round. We spend most of the time chatting. To many youngsters, turning 40 seems so faraway. I know because we were young once. I knew my friend when I landed my 1st serious job after leaving school. I was 20, She was 25. At that time among our intake, She was the oldest and I was among the youngest. But we get along well. There were always 4 of us together. My friend always had been generous with her time and advice. She would always lend me a listening ear and we often chats late in the night when we were training in Tokyo. Through the years, after I quit, she continues to fly, after our marriages and the birth of my children and her divorce, we had always stay in touch with each other. We don't get to see each other that much. Maybe once a year if we are lucky. But we always stay in each other's radar. As we age a little each year, we like to ask ourselves this question. would we always want to stay in our 20s or are we happy with the current status? The answer is always the same. While we would want to capture our youth and hold onto it as long as possible, we wouldn't want to put ourselves back to the era when we are in our 20s. The reason was simple. When in our 20s, we weren't always sure of what we want, or happy with our looks, weight and body. We are always looking for others approval and we are competitive etc. But as we reach our 30s, we felt good about ourselves. We come to terms with our body, our looks and our lives. We look back and realise perhaps it is true after all, with age, wisdom is not too far off. While I am not saying we are wise but there are a lot of things we can see so much better and clearer. And I can look back and laugh at myself. I feel I am in a much better position to advise and also to enjoy life as it should be. I don't think I did that when I am in my 20s. I was too busy, posing and trying to look good! LOL Yes! I am at peace with myself.