One year ago

One year ago, this time last year was when I first learnt of my father's illness. It was a terrible shock then. And til now, it still is. In another few days, it will be the 3 rd month since he died. I don't think I have exactly come to terms with his death. Some days, I woke up and think of him, wishing that he would just be here, at his usual place, doing his usual stuff. I would have a very strong feeling that if I will to open my door that very second, he would be outside. The feeling is so strong that sometimes I felt that I would really see him again. Of course it is not possible anymore. And when that thought struck me, I would feel terrible all over again. Not many nights ago, I was in bed, trying to sleep. I must have drifted in and out of it. And I must have dreamt. I distinctively had a dream of my father, walking away from me. Further and further til he was just a tiny dot. He would not turn his head no matter how I screamed and cried. I begged him to turn around and look at me but he would not. he just keep on walking and walking. I woke up with such a terrible pain in my heart that I felt I could not breathe.
My sister said it must be my father trying to make it easier for me by not turning back to look at me. But I said it did not ease my pains. Instead it brings it to a whole new high.
And my mother is not making it easier. She had wanted to transfer her name to the billing of some household's bills. And when she made reference to my father, she refer to him or your old man! My anger was at a boiling point. I can't figure out why she can't bring herself to say your father/ Does she hates him so much that long after he is gone, she is still nursing her 'grievances'
And it hurts me terribly. I can't talk to her anymore. Nowadays I am just trying to get by by being on civil terms with her but it is so so difficult.
I went to the place where my father's ashes was placed a couple of week ago. I was still red eyed. I don't want to but I can't help it. I am really trying.
I had looked forward to him living past this year. I didn't feel that this illness was going to get him down or take him away. We would have celebrated it with a big bang.