Writer's block? More likely is laziness

It has been a long time since I last wrote anything. In between getting my house done up and also plus a couple more things makes me feels so ... not motivated.
Anyway as I lie down on my bed earlier, I couldn't fall alseep, it was too hot and I kept getting interrupted so I decide to log in and try to save a few points so that i may write more later on or at least, remember them.

1, Went to see my father last sat. Long over due. As I said good bye, I tickled his chin ( Of course, by that, i mean his picture), my bro say he saw him smile! It was my bro's 1st visit in 6mths.
2, Amber has been growing up fast and leaning so many words and phrases that it is unbelievable.
3, Ryan's horrendous exams results = How can I make him believe in himself and able to score better
4,My renovations = It is coming to be very nice
5,Weather had been horrid
6,Planning to go Perth AGAIN!!! Yeah, I know Blah Blah Blah ....
7, Err... can't think of any now. Will add in again later. ( If I remember)

It looks as if it is going to rain now. It was so so sunny earlier. Hmmm.. maybe I should go bed now. hahaha! Good idea. I should catch up on some sleep. Hadn't been sleeping that well. Period and stress, I supposed

Hahhhh! The elusive swing

I realised that Australia is indeed a good place for the kids. There are ample space to run around, endless activities due to the 4 seasons. And very importantly, the swings! I discovered that most of Perth's playground do come with swings. I can't resist the tempation and told my sister one day that I would like to have a swinging good time with it. So we went to this particular spot , near the lake and not so crowded place. And Ryan and I had a blasting good time that afternoon. In fact it was the best feeling for the longest time as I sat on the swing and then swing myself away. the sky was beautiful, with clouds. Seagulls were nearby, taking a rest. As I swing myself higher, I feel I can touch the sky. A beautiful illusion but nevertheless an inadequate 1. I can feel my burdens or troubles flying out off me. And I was a little girl again. And it was wonderful.
At that moment, I wish Singapore government would just build more swing in the playgrounds. The kids of present days Singapore doesn't really play with swings anymore. they are a rare sight in Singapore. So rare that I can't even remember where could I find 1? Ryan doesn't even know how to play the swing properly. it took him a few tries before he could get it remotely right. I remember kids of my generation do not even need lessons. We took to the swing like a monkey to a tree. it just come to us naturally. And it was so much fun. I could stay there for hours. But now, it is a .. dare I say a luxury? Oh to forget my adults burden and to be a carefree child again. What would I give in exchange? Probably not a lot. I just need to travel 5 hours by plane again.
Maybe we should start an online petition asking the gahmen to build more swings so children can be children again ,And not just play and lose themselves in modern video games who can't be doing too much good stuff for their development and as for adults well, we can temporarily forget all our troubles. Who knows it might be an antidote for those so called society depression.

A fashionista is inborn ! Or should I call it as an obession?

Amber had been stomping around in her new pair of rainboots. This particular pair of shoes was a gift from my sister and when I gave it to Amber with 2 other new pairs of shoes and 2 very cute Ts. She was already besotted with the rainboots. It has the colors of the rainbow and was very cheery. She had been wearing them for days.
I remember when we went to GW, there was another girl who was holding the hands of her mum but keep staring at Amber's boots as her mum tugs her along. And for some strange reason, I feel that Amber sense the envy of the little girl cause she purposely walks near to the little girl. I felt she was flaunting it. Next another boy falls for the charms of it. I definitely can feel the swell of Amber's pride. Even the adults weren't spared from it. I can hear women whispering to each other telling each others what a cutie she is, and look at the shoes blah blah blah!
I wanted to laugh out loud at my realisation. Since young, the fairer sex must have got instilled in them the power of the shoes. Otherwise why would women willingly put their feet through torrendous heights, uncomfortable swaying of the hips etc? And the hype of SJP's obessions with all the Jimmy Choos, Manolo Blanik. Tsk Tsk Tsk

A pleasant surprise. And oh so precious!

The sunday that just passed, I was actually in Perth's Fremantle beach. It was slightly after 3 pm and as Ryan and my sister was playfully digging booby traps on the sand. I was listening to my Ipod. As I sat there listening, I was also looking out to the waves that came crashing up onto the shore. I was thinking about my father.
Somehow it seems like a good time to think about him as it was so quiet in my world. And partly because I remembered the dream about my father walking away from me at a beach. It was very windy even though winter had ended and spring is here. I wanted to film the waves but run out of memory space in my digital camera. So I set to delete some pictures. As I was going through the old pictures and videos, there was 1 that caught my eye. it was a video of Amber celebrating her 1st year at my father's house. As we were singing her songs, I was also taking video and I happen to have a 2 sec ( My regret) glimpse of my father in the background, singing and clapping his hands. it was not too long after his surgery And he just came home from the hospital not too long. He was all bundled up with gloves and socks. Although it was short and I had clearly forgotten all about it. I was happy. I eagerly showed it to my sister. Somehow I feel that it was not an coincidence, the beach and me lamenting to my sister a couple of weeks ago, telling her I hadn't dreamt of him since the beach dream. I feel maybe he was trying to send me a signal that he is really here with us. I think he was there with us. In our hearts.

A wake up call

My sister came home to an empty house after sending me off to the airport. Her roommate and friends had gone off to have dinner without her. I felt a bit sad, after all it was her big day and we had been so looking forward to it for months. Anyway, it was over. I had wish that we could or should have stay a bit longer. I could not. Sigh!
Throughout the trip, I had cautioned her about her room mate. I was telling her that she had seem unreliable and should not be dependable on for important things. She came across as someone calculating. I have never like people like that as I feel this type of people would only do things that they could only benefit from it.
I do not wish her to go through the process of being hurt although life is full of it. I understand and accept this is just another chronicle of what Life is all about. We cannot stop it but we can prevent or minimize it. Still I must say, I am indeed proud of her.

16/09/2009

The past few weeks had been an endless rounds of activities. As the time to depart for Perth draw near, I not only does look forward but also I feel a tinge of sadness as it would be the trip my Dad had been looking forward to the past 2 years.
Last night as I sat in at my sister's convocation, I couldn't help it. But I desperately hope and wish my father would be able to see it. As she walks up the steps to shake the hand of her chancellor. My eyes got a bit misty. I didn't get to see her walk down as I had to dab at my eyes. Ryan got it down on video. I get to see the replay after. The rest of the family weren't there to see her take her place and wear the gown. As I see the surrounding near us, I truly understand why my father had repeatedly requested in the case that he couldn't come to attend the ceremony, he would want me to be there with her. He said in his own words " On no accounts, must she attend her convocation alone. She had done well and we should be there to celebrate with her."
I asked her what if I couldn't be here, what would she choose to do. Her answer was perhaps she might not attend at all then. As I look at the faces around me, everyone's faces was radiating with a certain happiness. But there was a hollowness in our hearts. Still the night was truly hers.
I think I will try to be back next year for her convocation. I would like to be a part of this in this lifetime. If not for my father's sake, at least for her.
We took this photo on the way to the graduation's ceremony. I hadn't noticed the sun peeking out til I went through the photos. Somehow it seems significant to me that perhaps my father might be peeking at us through the clouds

Pain? My God! It feels so good

In a spur of the moment, I decided to go for an hour of foot reflexology with PQ this afternoon. We just had lunch in Tanglin Mall and were deciding where to go next. With no motivation to stay further in malls, and not wanting to go home just like that. We decided that we could just go and get our feet relax in HV.
It had been a long time since I last had a massage. It was really delicious pain. As the masseuse knead away my tensions of ages, I was all ready to fall asleep. Soothing music, subtle lighting etc. Mmm.. It was really heavenly. Alas the hour was fast gone than u can blink your eye : (
It was too soon. Sigh! I really should try do this more often.
And I managed to track an old classmate, well not exactly. Rather he was the one who recognised me and called me. He got my name wrong though! I got his number and told him that we would be having another gathering soon. so we would be contacting him. Goody good! I can't wait to round up more people for the gathering

One year ago

One year ago, this time last year was when I first learnt of my father's illness. It was a terrible shock then. And til now, it still is. In another few days, it will be the 3 rd month since he died. I don't think I have exactly come to terms with his death. Some days, I woke up and think of him, wishing that he would just be here, at his usual place, doing his usual stuff. I would have a very strong feeling that if I will to open my door that very second, he would be outside. The feeling is so strong that sometimes I felt that I would really see him again. Of course it is not possible anymore. And when that thought struck me, I would feel terrible all over again. Not many nights ago, I was in bed, trying to sleep. I must have drifted in and out of it. And I must have dreamt. I distinctively had a dream of my father, walking away from me. Further and further til he was just a tiny dot. He would not turn his head no matter how I screamed and cried. I begged him to turn around and look at me but he would not. he just keep on walking and walking. I woke up with such a terrible pain in my heart that I felt I could not breathe.
My sister said it must be my father trying to make it easier for me by not turning back to look at me. But I said it did not ease my pains. Instead it brings it to a whole new high.
And my mother is not making it easier. She had wanted to transfer her name to the billing of some household's bills. And when she made reference to my father, she refer to him or your old man! My anger was at a boiling point. I can't figure out why she can't bring herself to say your father/ Does she hates him so much that long after he is gone, she is still nursing her 'grievances'
And it hurts me terribly. I can't talk to her anymore. Nowadays I am just trying to get by by being on civil terms with her but it is so so difficult.
I went to the place where my father's ashes was placed a couple of week ago. I was still red eyed. I don't want to but I can't help it. I am really trying.
I had looked forward to him living past this year. I didn't feel that this illness was going to get him down or take him away. We would have celebrated it with a big bang.

A joke? Or the truth? U decide

One of my friends forwarded a text message to me last Friday. It goes like this
" A man ask God why does He make women to be so beautiful? God answered so that man could love them. The man ask again why does God makes women so dumb? God pause for a while and said " so they they could love U! "
I find it funny and yet so true.

A school reunion

I went out for a school gathering last night. I hadn't seen most of them since we left school more than 15 years ago. I hadn't always been a stickler for reunions because of the fact that there is always something exciting waiting for me around the corner. Apart from some class girls that I meet on a regular basis, well, the rest is but a spot in my limited memory.
Anyway it was fun meeting up last night, despite the poor showing. There are always people who couldn't make it at the last minute. there were endless laughter, poking fun at each others. 7 of us were there, not all of us are from the same class but we all were or are connected in some way.
There was this particular girl whom I shall named R. We were from the same primary school and then went on to the same secondary. I remember I have never been particularly fond of her as there is always this nagging feeling I have about her. I felt and still feel that she likes to observe people and then stored it away in her mind, waiting for a chance to make a person feel or look bad or felt small. Apparition is what I would describe her as. And using every single chance to haunt others. True enough, she ask me about a friend LS whom I had since lost contact, what we had quarrelled about in our youth. Was it over some photos or? I was stumped for a while not because I have nothing to answer but the thing was I never remembered having a confrontation with LS. The only thing I remember was she likes this boy in my class and I ended up dating him. I admitted to that misjudgement on my part though. I must have scarred that poor friend of mine. But I did confessed to her myself as I did not want her to learn of the news through others. She bursted into tears and I was flabbergasted. I hadn't thought of that. She hanged up on me. And shortly not too long later, some other people confronted me. We made peace after a while but of course, our friendship was never the same. It was a mistake. But theat was a part of youth isn't it? We all learn from mistakes, I hope.
Anyway this lost friend of ours, had never quite forgiven me, I supposed. R was saying she was all the while, pretty weird. Not wanting to joined them in their yearly gathering. She had insisted not to be tagged in FB as it would result in her students and colleagues knowing where she was from! She is now a teacher.I find that truly amazing. I mean, isn't it part of a person's identity? And does a person truly get penalised on where she is from? Well, I don't feel that way. Why would she want to wipe that memory away and does coming from that particular school makes her a lesser person? And amazingly, she had changed her english name too, she now goes by the name GT. Why would she feel ashamed of the fact that she was from there? So given a chance, she would like to wipe her slate clean? But that would mean denying herself and all of us whom had gone to school with. So what if we are judged constantly? It would only truly matter only when she looks down on herself and can't get over the fact she was once there, as a student. Well, GET OVER IT! YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE FACTS THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE OR FELT ASHAMED OF! So here's to you, my school. TIONG BAHRU SECONDARY SCHOOL.

9/8/2009

This week, Singapore is experiencing her annual "perfume spillover" from Indonesia. It is causing me to cough more in my sleep and dry throat. Coupled with hot weather, well Singapore is not the most attractive place to be in right now.
Today Singapore celebrates her 44th birthday. As with the norm, there will be a grand display of fireworks at the finale. I will be watching the fireworks from my sister in law's place.She lives in this apartment where it oversee the nicest view of the CBD, an expressway and the sea. The view is fabulous. So I will be having dinner and ice cream as a desserts while enjoying it. So Happy birthday to U, my country.
My favourite National Day song is Home

Whenever I am feeling low
I look around me and I know
There's a place that will stay within me,
whenever I may choose to go, I will always recall the city, know every street and shore
sails down the river which brings us life, winding through my Singapore
This is home truly, where I know I must be, where my dreams wait for me, where the river always flows. This is home surely. As my senses tell me. this is where I won't be alone. For this is where I know it's home.
When there are troubles to go through, We 'll find a way to start anew. There is comfort in the knowledge, that home's about it's people too.
So we will build our dreams together, just like we've done before
Just like the river which brings us life. there will always be Singapore.
This is home truly, where I know I must be, where my dreams wait for me, where the river always flows. As my senses tell me, This is where I won't be alone. For this is where I know it's home.

This song was sung in 1998 , the year when I first went to Shanghai. I liked it instantly. I always associate this song with my father. I don't know why at that time. He is no longer here anymore, I realised that it was because he was always the one that holds the family together. In another few days will be the 1st anniversary of his diagnosis. I was always hopeful that he will live past this period. Even during this April, I was still ever hopeful.

An text message from my father's friend

Earlier tonight, I received an text massage from my father's friend Mr Choo. He told me that he had been to the Mandai Columbarium to see my father. It was so thoughtful of him. I am overwhelmed by his devotion to my father. I am not sure when they met. I only knew that he was learning Karaoke under my father. So I resume that they only met within the past ten years. And he had always been the one picking my father up post his surgery. When my father was able to walked and ventured out for 1, 2 hours on Sunday. Any longer, and it drains him physically.
In his message to me, he expressed his sorrows of missing him, and asking how are the family. Especially my sister whom he must have realised that my father had been hanging on to see her for the last time. I thanked him and tell him we are all fine. That my sister had been back to see my father during early July and had since gone back to Australia. I told him that I will be travelling to Australia to see her graduated as promised to my father on his deathbed.
Mr Choo replied saying my father would have been most proud that he had us. Proud, I am not too sure. Everyone has their own demons. I have mine too. Especially the days when I am feeling down, flashbacks of my father keep replaying inside my mind. I just wish I had been more vigilant but it is too late now. All I can do is to do what I had promised. This way, I think my father will be in peace. At least my sister is not alone when she is in her full glory and honours. This is something that had always been weighing on my father's mind even when he is undergoing treatments and when death beckons, he always repeat this wish to his doctors. He, too keep mentioning to me and repeating it every single week. So I will be carrying out the promise and perhaps I will find some peace within myself.

An afternote :
My aunt called me a couple of days later, saying Mr Choo had been in contact with her. He had commented to my aunt that my father had taught me well as I was most courteous towards him. I replied saying it was the least I should do for my father at this point. I wanted to preserve his memories as much as I can. And also by respect his friends, I am also respecting my father. My aunt says she was very bothered by the things that my mum and her sister had been saying about my father. She says it pains her and also because of the stuff that they said are not my father at all. I said I know but I have no wish to be drawn into it. I know what my father was like. And everyone who know him well would also know that all these are not true. So it is not important at all. If others would to take my mother's words as the truth, then they don't know my father well. So all the more it wouldn't matter.

With age comes wisdom???

As I wrote in my previous entry about ageing and also we should be all the more wiser. Well, not necessary as I found out. I have a friend whom we shall name GK.
GK is a year older than I am. She is pretty with a huge appetite of humour and endless fun to be with. She is witty and clever during outings and eloquent with words. We met through one of my best friends YW. They were the best of friends, having grown up together and then having the same job. But over the years, they have grown apart. The main reason was whenever GK falls in love or had a new relationship, she will morphs into this scary monster. Someone that we do not recognise at all. This has happened in all her previous relationships. Her 1st marriage failed within the 1st year and she turns into this suicidal person whose only wish was to make her husband comes back to her. He did not, instead he took off with a dancer! At that time that was my 1st brush with her insanity. I was worried to death, not knowing whether each conversation with her was going to be her last or not? It was very draining and the last straw was when she swallowed pills and drank alcohol. She was almost unconscious when I reached her place. After endless banging on her door, she finally muster enough strength to open and let us in. Inside her house, I seen shoes scattered everywhere, half eaten food strewn on the table and soiled plates lining up everywhere. there was also a stench. YW wasn't surprised, she told me that all along the house has all been in this kind of condition. So anyway to cut a story short, GK survived and then starts all over again with the wrong type of people! One after another, none of her relationship really works.
There is always something wrong with all the people she was seeing. I remember one particular guy. He was shorter than GK, plump and not exactly good looking. And he was loaded with money. He would pick her up in all fancy cars. I used to called him Uncle Fester (as in Adams family ). The thing is GK will threw a fit each time they quarrel. I don't know what ignites the fights but it always ends up GK hurting herself. By this time, I had sort of washed my hands off her love life. I only found out how bad things are when YW updates me. GK would turn up half drunk at Uncle fester's house and threw herself onto the pavement. She would bawled and yelled til either his mum comes out or til the neighbours called the police. Which always ended up badly. Uncle fester would retaliate by not answering her calls or worse resorting to bodily hurt. Which drives GK more insane. YW finally also gave up on her when GK in a drunken temper punches YW's boyfriend at that time. Needless to say, we all heaved a sigh of relief when they truly broke up for good.
Not too long ago, GK started seeing this guy who had been thrown out of the house by his wife. They started off real sweet but then I think this guy is starting to be tired of GK. He has been asking for a break up but GK says she is not letting go without a fight. I am starting to see a calmity ahead

Me, myself and Irene

A couple of nights ago, I was at the East Coast, celebrating one of my friend's birthday. She turned 40. there were plenty of wines to go round. We spend most of the time chatting. To many youngsters, turning 40 seems so faraway. I know because we were young once. I knew my friend when I landed my 1st serious job after leaving school. I was 20, She was 25. At that time among our intake, She was the oldest and I was among the youngest. But we get along well. There were always 4 of us together. My friend always had been generous with her time and advice. She would always lend me a listening ear and we often chats late in the night when we were training in Tokyo. Through the years, after I quit, she continues to fly, after our marriages and the birth of my children and her divorce, we had always stay in touch with each other. We don't get to see each other that much. Maybe once a year if we are lucky. But we always stay in each other's radar. As we age a little each year, we like to ask ourselves this question. would we always want to stay in our 20s or are we happy with the current status? The answer is always the same. While we would want to capture our youth and hold onto it as long as possible, we wouldn't want to put ourselves back to the era when we are in our 20s. The reason was simple. When in our 20s, we weren't always sure of what we want, or happy with our looks, weight and body. We are always looking for others approval and we are competitive etc. But as we reach our 30s, we felt good about ourselves. We come to terms with our body, our looks and our lives. We look back and realise perhaps it is true after all, with age, wisdom is not too far off. While I am not saying we are wise but there are a lot of things we can see so much better and clearer. And I can look back and laugh at myself. I feel I am in a much better position to advise and also to enjoy life as it should be. I don't think I did that when I am in my 20s. I was too busy, posing and trying to look good! LOL Yes! I am at peace with myself.

Barney the dino being fed??

One of Amber's favourite toy is Barney the purple dinosaur. This dinosaur was inherited from Ryan who got it as a gift from Yolanda, (His 1st best friend's mum ) Barney will sings I love U whenever U press on his tummy. I can't recall Ryan ever being so crazy in love with this soft toy when he got it. He played with it a while and then it was placed at the top of his dressing table til Amber came along. I always thought she will outgrew it like Ryan. But apparently she loves it to pieces.
She will still cuddle him and press on his tummy to make him sing. She get distress when his battery runs out. And when she starts knowing the body parts. She will point to Barney and repeats. It was always quite a sight. And when she watches Barney's dvds, Barney is always not too far away. I was always afraid whenever she sees kids on the streets with Barney head sticking out of the bag, She always have this tendency to get very excited and then hysteria. She does have quite a number of other soft toys but I guess at the moment, Barney and Elmo is her most beloved. She has been learning how to feed herself recently and this morning, Ryan discovered that she had stuffed Barney's mouth full of the honey stars cereal that I gave her for breakfast! It was funny. I wish I remember to take a picture of it. I am sure she will try to do that again so I will try to remember it and captures it down.
Her next favourite Elmo is bigger then her and Elmo doesn't talks and sing. All Elmo ever do was to sit there quietly and hear her babble non stop. The craziest thing she ever did for Elmo was to run up to this kid in Ikea and grabbed him. Just because this kid was wearing an Elmo's Tees. The poor boy must have been traumatised by her so much that he kept pulling at his mum's skirt. I will not be surprised if one day I discover Elmo's mouth full of food too : )

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever
watched kids

Or listened to
the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a
butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so
fast

Time is short.

The music won't
last

Do you run through each day

On the
fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the
reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your
bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through
your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so
fast

Time is short.

The music won't
last

Ever told your child,

We'll do it
tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good
friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance
so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't
last

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You
miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry
through your day,

It is like an unopened gift...

Thrown away.

Life is not a
race

Do take it slower

Hear the
music

Before the song is over.

I have seen this poem in my paediatrician's room and it touches me. It brings a topic close to my heart. The words are simple and yet strong. So if we ever get flustered or felt life is too hard. Please remember the words.

An ostrich!

I send a message to my girlfriend who is living in New Jersey about 4 year old Charmaine's battle with her illness. I was thinking that perhaps when Charmaine and her mom is in NY, they could get some cheer from some Singaporeans. I think it would lift up their spirits considerably. When U are all alone in a strange land, battling for your life, everything would seem so bleak. And when there are new updates, be it good or bad, U would have no one to share with. I think it is very demoralising! U will feel U are all alone in the world. As I rattle on to my girlfriend last night, I think she was excited and yet afraid. She was excited that she could do something meaningful to while away her time. Her husband's nature of job often took him away, leaving her alone with 2 cats in their apartment. But she was afraid that she might be badly affected by it. She said that on some days when she is feeling lousy, she might not want to be there to give support as it would make her feel worse. I do understand where she is coming from. I used to think like this. If I am feeling lousy why should I go and see or hear about other people's stuff. I was very self centred. Or U could call me an ostrich! If I don't see it then I will not know it. If I don't know it, that it don't exist in my world. That is until my father's illness and death that makes me realise I was wrong. I could do that regardless what I was feeling. When I see the hospice staff who rallied round the patients, the volunteers who come in everyday to try to make the patients comfortable and perhaps also to let them know that they are not forgotten nor alone. I was very touched by it. I feel all these people make the differences in the patients' heart and mind. I leave it to my friend to decide how she would like to help as I am not sure of her capacity. But whichever way she choose, I am sure she will make the right decision that is to her best capabilty.

To a very brave girl named Charmaine

Dear Charmaine,
Hello! U are a very brave girl. I have been reading about you in the newspapers. And I know U will be going to New York city to do treatment for your sickness. Let me tell U something about New York. New York is one of my favorite city in the world. I have been there many many times. There are hot dogs stands in almost all busy streets of the city. The sounds, the atmosphere even the air gave me endless energy. There is a huge park where U can run free, There will be alot of people running their dogs there in the mornings.U will be there in the summer when there will be a lot of games carnivals as it is school holidays for the children in New York. there will be people rollerblading down the streets, everywhere. And the pizzas there are very nice too.
One of my favorite activity was to look out of the windows and see papers flying in the wind. It is very windy there. So often U will see papers flying high up and then floating down again. It always amazes me no end. You will be able to see all these when U are there. Please continue to be strong. I will pray for U each day and I will continue to look out for your news and updates. I look forward to reading about your recovery soon.

Auntie Maggie

Toys fair

Today we went to a toy fair held at the basement of a shopping mall. Inside, it was packed to the brim with doting parents willingly hang out cash to the cashiers with beaming children. "Lost" parents looking frantically for their children, children's face engulfed with joy and wonders. Hmm.. such high was the level of emotions.
Well, of course I joined the queue for the parents waiting to blow my hard saved money. I bought a DS game, a mini piano, a kitchen set and a vanity set. When I came home, my son immediately become engrossed in his DS game. My daughter's face is buried into the keyboard of the piano.
Poor me! I am reduced to picking up the cardboards that comes with the games. And I never have much luck with reading to my daughter! She threw aside the books the minute we reached home. Sigh! the lure of toys are simply too good to pass up, I guess. regardless the age group

My father in my dream

Every now and then, I still lapsed into my darker moods. Although the frequency is no longer that short. Sometimes when I pass by the place where my father last lay or when he came home for the last time, I just couldn't managed to suppress the lump in my throat.
Never did I dream that when I took the lift down with him that day when I send him to the hospital, it would also be the last time. he be standing next to me, the last time he went out, and that he would never come home alive. Sometimes I do blame myself. For not being attentive enough, taking things for granted, for keep thinking things would get better. Also for telling him that. Honestly I don't know whether are things truly better?
I am bitter when I hear laughter coming from his flat. I am bitter over a lot of things. Like she wearing bright red not too long after the funeral, she dying and perming her hair. Of course these are her rights. I scanned her face to see whether can I detect a hinge of sadness or something that would made me believe that I was wrong. I don't see it. I wanted badly and needed to know at least she was sad over losing my father, her husband. I did not. To her, it was business as usual. I try not to get angry. I am really trying. The part when I wrote about trying to be nicer to my mother hadn't yet take shape. I don't know why is it so difficult for me! But it truly is. Each time when I am harsh to her, the minute the words left my mouth, I regretted immediately. I have to do better
I have a relative gathering to go to this coming Saturday. I am not keen on going because whenever I joined. I feel this ache inside me. Everyone in that family is so tolerant of each other, they are very giving. They are always having fun and laughing. they enjoyed each other's company and this is what I feel a family should be. Sadly, I never have this feeling when I was growing up. I always feel like I have to watch my words. I never have this type of intimacy and now that my father is gone, it will never materialize.
I did not really keep track of dates but I found out the reason for my dark mood yesterday was because it was the 2nd month anniversary of my father's demise. He appeared to me in my dream. In it, he appear as his post surgery self. Thinner and almost bald. But he was not frail. In my dream, we were at this place when it is crowded and there was this counter that people could chose to collect money. When my father's turn came, the person behind the counter ask him whether he wants to collect everything, my father replied yes because he wants to distribute it. After that he turn to me and said " This way, your mother can't say I never left anything behind!" I was astonished! I must have mumbled something, as he asked me why? What is the matter? Didn't U get anything? U want to talk to her? When I woke up, I can't remember what else happened after that.
Was it a case of bearing grudges against my mother that is why even in my dream, I had thought of telling my father the truth?

Friends are for life.

Last Saturday was spend clubs hopping. We started at Bali lane and ended up at Clarke quay. Honestly, I don't really care where we go. It was the company that matter to me. I was in good company and was looking forward to hanging out with my friends. Some of them, I hadn't seen for a while.
I realised that a lot of my good friends are friends that I have known for a long time. Some of them are from school, some of them I met while modelling and some of them are from my flying days. And although we do not often caught up, we always managed to talk and have fun. Time has never been an issue with us. All of my good friends are special to me. When I need to vent, I knew who to look for. The patient ones who would listen and hear me out. When I need advice, I usually go to those whom I feel have an unique eye for details. They are usually those that made me see more. And when there are gossip to pass around, there are those that I knew that would enjoy it as much as I did. The times when I am sad, I too knew who can I share it with.
And the times when I was down, I knew that my 'bestest friend' would fly back to be with me if I ever ask her. We both enjoyed most things. the same humour, the same jokes.She is staying in America right now. So all that distance us are the vast lands and oceans. I always thought we might grow further apart, with all the happenings in our lives. We knew each other in school, went to work at different areas, I was busy exploring my life with my newly found friends and also the world, grow up and get married. I went away to stay in Shanghai not too long after that. She too, got married, divorced and found another man to share her life with. All these while, we hadn't lose touch with one another. Partly, she was the one who had do the maintaining in the begining. She was the one who called me weekly when I was away in Tokyo, pinning away, lonely and sad! She was the one who send funny mails to me when I was in my Shanghai's office and makes me laugh out loud! We keep reminding each other to be truthful to our friendship and should the need arise, tell the offensive party off.
Of course at our saddest, we had each other. When her marriage broke down,she flew to Shanghai and spend time with me. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, she was the 1st friend I told to. She cried with me.
The old regret is that we might not be able to grow old together physically but hopefully, we can grow old together mentally.
I guess this is what friendship is all about. Nothing matters as long as U enjoy the company. Cheers to the friends in this world. U are what it makes it bearable

Fat? Who? Me? Whatever!

I was having a conversation with 1 of my best friends today. We don't see each other often but whenever we talk or hang out, I had always enjoy it. She was telling me that she was posting a status update on whether should she get another pair of flats on facebook. She started getting a few replies to it.There was this particular comment from a long lost friend which had upset her abit. In his comment to her post, he said "go get it as it is not easy to find one pair of flats in FAT size"!!! Fat size!!! Since when has size 38 been a fat size for a 1.7m tall lady??And to say it in capital letters!! Now this is calling for war! This is just not so nice and totally unacceptable. My girlfriend had the grace to take it in her stride initially but after repeats of that word. I think she just had it and wrote on the post asking him to F#@& off.
I would to state on my blog, my girlfriend is not anywhere near the likes of Lydia Sum, Queen Latifah. In fact I feel she belongs to the Kate Hudson's league. Ex model and multiple pageants winner. With a mind of her own. She can holds a brillant conversation anytime of the day.Put her in any clubs, I think she would still give younger girls a run for their money. And now she is called FAT virtually in her face! From someone whom she has not seen for years! PLEASEEEeeeeee....
I understand where is she coming from, I had my own little 'Fat' incident yesterday in my office's lift. A lady who works in one of the offices was inside. I did not see her as I walked in as I was busy texting on my mobile. She called to me and we said hi. I went back to texting after that. Less than 2 secs, she exclaimed in horror "Oh! U still have a tummy!" I stopped in whatever I was doing. Huh? Who? Me? It took me another 2 sec for me to regain my composure. I was like "Whatever!" But I was rolling my eyes when I said it. This particular lady when in her heels come up to my shoulders was implying I am fat!!! Of course as I walked out of the lift, I was like fuming! How dare she! By night time, I have come round to the fact that perhaps some people are like this. They feel they have to pick out someone to 'attack' and thus elevating their status or moods. I called them pathetic. Whether my girlfriend or me are fat or not, it doesn't matter. It is because we already reach the stage where we are happy at who we are, where we are right now.We are never going to be in the regions of Kate Moss, and wear size 0 again. Size 4 and 6 are our new dress sizes. But heck! Who cares! So to whoever U are, Whatever!
U can be sure that me and my girlfriend are going to hang out very soon and drinking to your poor souls!

How to have a good night sleep without being interrupted?

These 2 months, Amber has been getting up frequently in the nights, either wanting to drink milk ( her 1st choice! ) or getting water to drink. I have been trying to tired her out during the day or before she sleeps each night but to no avail. It is always a losing battle for me. I am the one who ends up sleeping out of exhaustion. I am starting to wonder whether is this a symptoms of terrible 2. She will be 2 this coming Sept.
I never have terrible 2 symptoms with Ryan. He had always been quiet when young and can often play quietly for a while before falling asleep and of course there is no crisis whenever bedtime arrives. In fact, it is always an uphill task trying to keep him awake. Even til now, he still falls asleep easily.
The difference of the 2 kids. But yet,this is what parenthood is all about, isn't it? I hadn't been out with my friends for a while. I am starting to wonder what was I doing prior to having kids? Sigh! And yet, the kids are adding color to my otherwise monotone life

Amber and Ryan. My very animated and active daughter and my very worrying son!!!

Let's begin writing a not so new topic. My children! We will start with Amber 1st. Well, Ryan, you know the rules! LADIES 1ST!!!
Amber is turning 2 soon. Time really passes by so fast that I feel that I am not even ready for her to grow up. I was walking past a poster in my neighbourhood the other day and something in that poster caught my eye. It was a nursery school intake for children born in 2007. Hmm... that is not for my Amber, right? I walked away, a second later, I gasped! It was indeed for Amber! She is born in 07. Oh my god!!! I think I am about to faint. I think I must have turn a tad too green. Amber was looking at me curiously. But that is another story.
I spend the next few days, thinking should I go and sign her up so that I can get away from her for 2 hours a day? Is Amber ready? Is it too fast? Isn't it cruel to let children go to school at this age. I mean shouldn't it be illegal. Err... apparently not in this part of the world. Babies can go to centres, designated for them as soon as the mother's maternity leave is over!
Anyway questions and answers are all racing through my head. My conclusion is I AM THE COWARD! I keep making excuses for Amber. Which brings to mind a story about Ryan. We were staying in Shanghai then when I felt that it would be better for him to go to school to mingle with kids of his age. He had always been a very quiet toddler. Nothing like Amber now. He was also late in speaking SO after much searching around, I send him to ISS which is very near our house. The 1st week, each day I left him , he was crying and in so much tears that I start asking myself whether am I doing this right? Of course things starts to pick up as he made firm friends with another Ryan. They were like partners in crime. I remembered later that term, Ryan had to speak out in front of audiences. I was like' can he do it?" His teacher Mrs Gracie assured me that he can. That day arrived. When it was his turn to speak, I held my breath. Then I heard him speak. So distinctively clear, I teared. It was just 1 word but to me, it was music to my ears.WOAH!!!!That is my boy!
Going back to Amber, I think school would definitely be ok with her but I am not yet ready for her to leave me yet. Now there! I am a wimp! I think I will send her next year in stead. Mean while I will just keep finding excuses.

A break? Maybe an excuse for my laziness!!

After writing my last post, I realised I do need to need a small break as the tone and setting for my blog was getting too heavy. It wasn't meant to be like this. Anyway, I am back! TADAHHHhhhhhhh! Perhaps my sis's return has some effects on me. But the week had passed by too fast. She is back in Australia now. So now I must spend this 2 months, getting my ticket to go see her when she graduates in Sept. Looking forward to it as I had promised my father on his deathbed that I will not let her be at her convocation alone.
Actually the past few weeks, nights had been a terrible time for me. I don't know why I keep getting flashbacks of my father's last days. And when I finally managed to shake it off, I was already very much exhausted. But today, this afternoon, as I was lying down in my living room, I was looking out of my windows, I saw the last few days' dark clouds had dispersed and there were lights coming out of the clouds. My spirits lifted up considerably too. I felt perhaps this was a sign that I should finally move on after the last few month's misery and sadness.
As I lie down in bed with Amber earlier, I still get the occasional sadness coming awash at me but at least tonight, I am not dwelling on it. I did not need to spend a lot of efforts in trying to overcome it. The lump in my throat doesn't seem that diffcult to swallow.
This is Amber looking out to the garden on my brother in law's wedding day. Nice. I LIKE IT

Afternote

Sorry to the people who are reading my blog. I hadn't meant for it to get this heavy tone. Please bear with me for a little while more while I try to flush my darkness out. To those people who don't know me personally, I must say that I am usually not this pathetic. In fact a lot of my friends will tell U that I am one of the most happy go lucky people in this world!!!So I will try real hard because I want this blog to serve as a memory back up and not a place for me to vent out my anger and unleash the sadness in it.

As a form of apology I offer you a picture of Amber. Hahaha! In a cute pose

6/7/2009

I can't think of a good title for this post so I will tentatively named it as today's date. Hadn't been doing a lot of stuff. Had been a rainy day so it was cooling for a change. The ID came over in the afternoon to discuss what are the changes I would like to make in my dinning area and living room. As I was going through the drawings, I was once again reminded of my father. He was still here when I had my bedrooms revamped and change of the kitchen cabinets. At that time he was already diagnosed with the illness and was going through radiation therapy. Still he makes a habit to come over to my flat each day to 'supervise' as my husband likes to calls it. Now as I am preparing to revamp my living and dinning area, he is no longer able to do that for me.
Actually I can't help it, I can't help thinking of him on most days. It is not I am not able to walk out , to face up to the reality without him around. I mean I can laugh and carry out my normal activities but somehow or rather, there will always be stuff, waiting to remind me of him. Like when I spot a lizard in the house the other night. the 1st thing that comes to my mind was who is going to help me clear the lizard should I 'exterminates' it? Since young, I always have a phobia of lizards, well, in fact all crawlies. I think I inherited this behaviour from my mother. My father has always be my hero. He was always there to rescue me. Even when I grow up and is brave enough to kill it. I hadn't mustered the courage to pick it up and throw it away. My dad usually do it for me. Now that he is gone, I just have to do it myself or ask my husband to do it for me.
Today I met up with my auntie ( My father's younger sister ) She was curious and wanted to know whether did I dreamt of my dad after he is gone. Actually I did and usually I like talking about my dreams with him inside but today I didn't feel like talking about it. Perhaps I was tired and also I was very affected by the discovery of the note that my dad had written.
Last week, a letter from the CPF board came in, telling me I was one of the nominated few who was entitled to remaining CPF and shares. When I read it's contents, I wept. I hadn't anticipated this. I mean, when he was still alive. He hadn't told me about this. he had only verbally says what was to be divided in the bank account that I held with him. He had told my sister exactly the same thing. The same proportion that he told me. So our stories tally. But now my mother is insisting this wasn't what he told her. Somehow I have this feeling that my dad had already anticipates this and that was why my name was included instead of my mother's. Anyway I am not letting this bother me too much I figure she will try to lay her hands on it sooner or later but as long as I stand firm then I guess there is nothing she can do about it. She will cry, use tactics, use filial piety or emotional blackmail. But I will hold fast to it. At least this is what I can do for my sister.
I was wrong when I labelled one of my earlier blog ' A father's last gift'. I don't think it is suitable for it now. I have come to realize that perhaps there is no last gift. His wisdom , love and understanding of me was the best gift to me. And I shall forever hold it dearly in my heart.

Pain and anguish and enlightenment? Perhaps.

That night when we reached home, after I put Amber to bed, I took out some of the papers that I salvaged from my father's suitcase. This suitcase has been with my father for a long time. But as old age catches up with him, I think he forgot the combination numbers to the lock. I hadn't seen him opening it for years. After his demise, my mother wanted to break open the suitcase and see what was inside. I objected. This was because I feel it was a sign of disrespect. And also I wanted to know what numbers my father had used. It was important to me as it would tell me why it was that particular combinations that he used. I wanted to try all the combination numbers. I figured it wasn't too hard as there were only 3 rolls of numbers so there could only be 999 combinations. I tried for a few days to open it, starting from 000 to 999. All the numbers did not work. I think it was because the lock was old and hadn't been opened for a while. I gave up after a week. In the end , I pried it open. Inside the case, there wasn't a lot of things. Just some documents and old pictures. There were also bank drafts stating he had send money in the 80s to my grandfather's relatives in China. Old letters to a pen pal from Taiwan.There were 2 certs stating that he had attended a silkscreen and a Chinese shorthand course. One of the certs had his picture glued on it. I rescued the certs and the old pictures. I am sure if I don't do it, all contents would be thrown down the rubbish chute. True enough, after I handed the contents to my mother, she took a glance at them and threw them down the rubbish chute. At that moment, I just wish I had saved more. My heart ached in that instant.
As my sister and I were going through those pictures, my sister found a diary note that my dad had written years ago. Inside the note, he wrote of the change in my mother. And the pains he went through. It was written in Chinese and some of the characters doesn't make sense to 2 of us, We re read it over and over again and try to piece it up. But all we could managed was to guess and have a brief outline of the events. I do have some collections of it as I am the oldest among my siblings. I told my sister that and also I recalled my dad mentioning it before. I had put it aside. But at that moment, my heart went all out to my father as I imagined the agony he must have gone through at that time. My perception of the letter was he had contemplate divorcing her and if it wasn't us, I think he might. I told my sister that night, that at that time when things was bad, I had already made up my mind that I would chose to go with my dad should my parents divorced!
As I had mentioned before my relationship with my mother has always been rocky. I often envied my friends who had fantastic conversations with my their mothers and fun shopping trips. I can't remember the last time that I had a good conversation with my mother. Or whether did we ever ? Each time, we ended up having a shouting match! Or the frequent scenario would be she asking me about something, and I would grunt or mumble some inaudible reply. Days after my dad's death, I had told myself I would try hard to be nice to her. But it is hard. She wasn't not the easiest person to get along with. A lot of times, the things she do is beyond my comprehension!
I didn't really sleep well that night. My heart was pounding fast. and it was the wee hours in the morning before I finally come to the conclusion. I decide not to pursue the contents of the note anymore. I would remember it and put it away to the back of my mind. I knew at that time, it must have been very painful for my dad, which is why he wrote it down. And now I know and understand his pain. But my dad is gone now. In my heart, he has gone to heaven and is no suffering from the emotions of this world . Whatever he had gone through in his lifetime, is gone too together with his demise.I promised to myself to try hard to forgive my mother for the pain and suffering she had put my father through over the years. I think this would be what my dad wants to. Maybe also when I try to forgive, my heart is not so heavy and in learning to forgive, this might be a way to redeem myself??

Arrival 3/7

My sister had arrived last Friday evening. After picking her up at Changi airport, we later had dinner ( Turkish food ) and later drinks at East Coast. It was kind of nice as we don't often do this. The breeze was cool and the beach was crowded. I saw a man in his sixties learning to roller blade for the 1st time. I was impressed by his courage and felt kind of ashamed that I hadn't plucked up the courage to do a lot of things. There was a time after my father's surgery, I had promised to learn driving and get my driving licence by his next birthday. Hmm.. I never got round to doing it.
My dad was a man of a lot of determination. I remembered years ago, after he had retired, he got himself a small keyboard piano and resolved to learn to play it. I was like " Are U sure?" but did not ask him so. I figured he had spend enough time working and providing for the family while he was in his prime.After retirement, he had all the time in the world to do what he like best. My dad did figured out how to play the piano. He never took lessons but makes notes and practice in his own way. Every now and then, in the afternoon, there would be music coming out of his flat. Of cause, at first it was slow and hesitating. Slowly, it got better. And he could carry a decent tune. So it proves that age does not deter a person's ability.

Food for thoughts

It had been 3 days since my bro in law's wedding. And it took me that long to recuperate!!! Sigh! One of the signs of old age?? We had stayed past 1 am. So it was 2plus in the morning when we came home and get ready for bed. As I mentioned in an earlier post, about the dressing of our locals, well, I must comment that this time round, most guests are pretty well dressed. I was pretty impressed. Perhaps it was the young crowd that make it so visual appealing.
The only nit is that I wish that they were more punctual. We had dutifully informed all guests that cocktails would starts at 6.30, there would be photo taking upon arrival. As it was a working day the next day, we had hoped that dinner could commence at 8pm sharp, so that everyone may go home early. Well, most guests did. And then there were the black sheep. There were a number who came late and thus delaying the process. One relative even came after 8pm and also had the courtesy to make rude comments about the wedding reception. I was like totally caught off guard. Well all along she wasn't exactly my favourite among the relatives. This particular relative had a sharp mouth and was frequently rude, even to her own folks. I always keep my distance. If I wasn't the only family at the reception table, I guess I would not be 'rushing' to usher her in.
While dinner was served, a live band was playing. that was the fun part. It was like a mini concert. We sang and swayed along. And when the bride serenaded the groom with a song, it was a tender moment embedded in the guests's memories.
The next day, the highlight was to count the amount of money given by the guests. Again I must say I am pretty impressed with some of the ideas that people came up with. My bro in law actually opened up a red packet with KFC's vouchers in it. The amount was $15. Hmm... It sure was memorable and would make a good after dinner topic for a while. The other memorable gift was a $100 bill note from the 60s. the groom decided to keep it for himself as a memento. I guess the market value for this note would be about $120. I remembered my own memorable gift at my wedding 10 over years ago, someone gave me a box of soap from crabtree and evelyn. I was puzzled for a while but it soon dawn on me who is the giver. Anyway I have no ill will towards the person. But it sure was memorable. I wonder whether does the giver remembers it each time she sees me?

Wedding

This weekend is my younger brother in law's wedding. Somehow, I feel we are are even more particular and fussy than for my own wedding. The date was selected by a feng shui master, based on every one's birth dates. Wow! A mean feat! From the groom's family, we have 10 of us. From the bride's side, she has 8. So it must have been difficult to have dates that suit us fine.
Starting from this month, We were all excited by the wedding as the groom is the youngest in the family. So it will be quite another while before we have another wedding in our household again. The house had been under going renovations for a while, getting ready for the big day and of cause for the couple's new nuptials room. The wedding photos album being shots, wedding dinner's guests list to be complied and confirmed and to reconfirmed again.
Alas. Sad to say most Singaporeans are still very 'blur' or 'act blur' when it comes to wedding dinner. The invites will state the attire to be smart casual, formal etc. You can trust Singaporeans to come as they deem 'apporiately dressed'.' You will always see them in their 'market best' Many a time, I have been horrified by the way Singaporeans dressed for the occasions. Hmm..... should we blame our weather? I do think that our climates plays a part in the way we dress. I mean, look at how flip flops is our favourite footwear? But honestly hot weather or not, we can always look our best. We should. Afterall, Singaporeans are priding ourselves on how well travelled or well read we are, so YES! WE CAN!!!
And we can and should improve on our timing. The time on the invites would stated " To be seated by 8pm" Well, You can always count on some guests making their grand entrance at 8.30pm. Hmm.... leaves alot to be desired

Brazilian wax???

I had always wanted to get my brazilian wax done on a regular basis. Like perhaps once every 3 mths. But alas, I have always been too lazy to maintain my schedules. Hmm... have to do soul searching on that. So anyway today is the day I decided I must have my waxing done. Not only was it long over due. I need to get my legs' done too. My brother in law is getting married this coming sun and I need to 'flaunt' my legs! After calling my fav salon, I was horrified to find out while I have been hibernating at home, prices had shoot up to a new ridiculousiy high. I set about finding a new place.
Thanks to facebook, I know an old aquaintance of mine is working at Cineleisure. So I called but he wasn't in. Dammed! But his colleague was nice to fit me in on the 3.30 slot. And the prices was friendly too. Services wise, they are just as good as my old favourite. And the prices is to shout for. Ryan was funny. When I am done and walked out of the room, he asked me" Mummy, did U get your waxing done? Why couldn't I see any difference in you?" Hmm... of cause U can't see the difference as I am all covered up!!!
I tried to stifled a giggle. Kids do say the darnest things. I remember another question of his. When he was younger, I would leave him at home with the maid whenever I have my facial appoinments. the 1st time I told him I was going to get a facial done, His eyes widened and he asked me" Mummy, what is a facial?" So I explained to him that my face was all clogged up with dirt and I need to get someone to wash it for me. So he nodded his head and stored the little info inside his head. When I got home that night, he was waiting for me very eagerly. As I bend down to carry him, he was trying to scrutinized my face. Suddenly he exclaimed loudly" Oh mummy! I think you need to wash your face again as the person who had washed it for you did not do a good job. there are still tiny dirt stuck on your face!" I was surprised. I put him down and peered into a mirrior. I couldn't see any dirt! I could only see specks of brown freckles around my cheeks! Hah! this was the dirt he was talking about. I laughed and told him that this was not removeable! He was puzzled. Years later I do like to repeat this joke to anyone who hasn't hear it before. And also to Ryan because that is what I think makes childhood memorable.
So here I am, sitting in my studyroom,blogging . I do feel like a clean plucked mother hen!!!

A father's last gift Part II

That night as I lay on my bed, I did not teared much. I knew he had already found the peace and was no longer suffering. All now that is left is just an empty shell. I am not ashamed to say that I slept well that night.
As I awoke the next morning, I told myself that I have no regrets as I have already done every part or thing that I could have done for him. I was there when the doc broke the news, I was the one who swallow and digest all information and pass on to other family members, taking in considerations how they could and would take it. I was the one who was there for most of his appointments with Docs. And I was there most of the time with him for his chemo and radiation treatments. And I was there during the last few weeks of his life. I try to bear no grudges against the rest of the family who were here but was too 'busy' to take time off for him. I have done more than what a son could do for his father. And my father should be very proud of me! As for my sister, I feel sorry for her because she was away for study. And when she left in Feb, my dad was still up and about, with plans to meet in Australia. I think she will be forever be regretful that she chose to go away to study instead of continuing it here. But I tell her we must all move on. This is something that he would like us to do. My sister had told me before she felt she owe me because I have to do all these things by myself. And she wasn't here most times to help. But to me, I feel perhaps I was doing myself good too when I did all these things for him. At least I get to say a "long goodbye" to my father. And I have no regrets over it.
Days after my father's death, I realise that he had actually left me a last gift! He had chosen to leave just after I left the room. I think he knows I would forever be haunted by the memory of him dying in front of me. I have always been morbid about death! And he knows it. so I think he was just bidding his time. Waiting for me to leave the room. That was his gift, his last present to me.

A father's last gift Part I

I would like to do a recap of the last few months of my father's life. I think it is very important as this will let my kids know what took place and also as a back up in case my memory fails me later in my old age.
My dad was admitted to the hospital on the 14th Aug 08. He had complained of difficulties in breathing and pain near his stomach. During a Xray done at the hospital, it was discovered he had a small tumour in his stomach. The docs advised him to stay in for further tests. I did not think much of it. He had always been healthy. This small tumour is not going to get him down. It was 18th when I learnt of the bad news. It wasn't just any tumour. It was a malignant kind. And it had affected his spleen and pancreas. He would need a major surgery asap. I was shocked beyond words. The surgeon who broke the news to me was very kind. He asked me whether I have any other siblings. I said yes! I have a sister who is studying in Australia. I completely forgotten about my brother. After recomposing myself, I begged the doc not to disclose this news to my dad yet as I wasn't sure how would he takes to it. I rushed to the nearest toilet and burst into tears. I called my husband and told him the bad news. After we hanged up, I was still swollen eyed. I make my way down to the florist and got him a stalk of lilies.
That night, my mind was racing. How to let my dad know about his conditions and how much should he knows. My 1st instinct was to protect him. I send a text message to my brother informing him. I had also told him not to let my mother knows as she might blurt the truth out or she might tell others who in turn might tell my father. I don't want him to find out this way. And thirdly not to let my sister who is in Australia knows as she is having her exams. . After deciding on this course of action. I had to think of a way to convince my dad to go for the surgery. I told the doc of my predicament He promised to talk to him without revealing too much. Surprisingly, when my dad speaks of his surgery, it was with anticipation. He feels that if it was necessary for him to do the surgery to get well. Then he would do it. That is my dad for you. He is very decisive. Once he decides that is the best option, he will follows it.
He was discharged from the hospital on the 26th. Surgery is on the 16th of the following. He would have to be back at hospital 1 week before to prepare for the surgery. As he has a few health problems, I was very much afraid that there might be complications. I told my sis only in the last week of Aug. It was also decided that she would come back on the 14th to be there. All these, we decided among ourselves. We told no one not even my mother. My mother did not find out til my sister arrives that night. She cried a little when we told her that it is cancer.
My sister went to see him on the 15th as she couldn't wait. I was worried my dad might smell a rat. The morning of his operation, my sister was there when he went inside the surgery room. I had arrived late. We waited for hours. Surgery was scheduled for 4 hours and we had anticipate it to end at about 1 plus int eh afternoon. It did not. We were starting to worry. Eventually it ended at about 3 plus. When the surgeon walks out, he gravely told us that it was worse than initially thought. It wasn't stomach cancer. It was advanced pancreatic cancer! 1 of the hardest to treat and because of my dad's age, he did not give a very positive diagnosis. At that time, all I could think of was to keep the truth from my dad as I wanted him to fight the battle bravely. I did not want him to feel that it might be a losing battle. To me, this is my father who seldom falls sick. He is not about to succumb to this illness. Days after the surgery, my dad's condition did not get much better. The gases was building up inside him and he was in pain. He couldn't eat or drink. And he was totally upset. I would never forget the look in his eyes when the surgeon said he might need another surgery. That was also the 1st time when we found him praying hard. For my parents who were very staunch Taoist followers, it was a pleasant surprise for my sister and me. Then a miracle happened, The gases inside my father's body starts dispelling. He professed to having seen Mother Mary appearing beside him. He said the night before he couldn't sleep, he was looking out of the window where there was a moon. Slowly he saw a figure coming closer, Then as the figure looms right next to the window, he saw Mother Mary smiling at him and floating inside the room. He felt better immediately.Of cause he did not tell my mother all these. Honestly I don't blame him. For I also don't know what will my mother thinks? She might think he was possessed or had been brainwashed by his own relatives. ( As an afternote, my dad's relatives are all Christians!) And they have been coming often to pray for him. I am touched by all these. I don't know what drastic actions she might take, considering her frosty relations with them. Months after the operations, my father did talked of going to church as he felt at peace But he never did find the chance.
It was during his 1st follow up with his surgeon, that my dad was informed of his condition. He took it pretty calmly. He would need to have radiation and chemo for 6mths to try to cure him. He follows it religiously. the only time he missed his chemo was when his blood cells wasn't enough. Other than that he was the best patient any doc could ask for. I know because I was there for most of his appointments.
During this period, my father was short on temper, that I must agreed. But I keep telling Him and myself that it was just the side effects and that he couldn't help it. He complained about feeling lousy, having vomitting spells and not being to eat properly. I told him that it must be the side effects of the medication he was talking and when the treatments ends, all these uncomfortable feelings would go away. He nodded. ( Now as I think of it, was he too trusting of me that he had believes me? That everything would be better? And that is why he did not seek doc's opinion? )
His last chemo ends on 9th Apr. All the uncomfortable feeling did not dissipates, instead he felt more pain. I asked him whether would he like to go to the hospital to see his doc, he kept refusing. And his memory was failing him too. The things he told me to put away, I quickly obeyed, only to have him ask why did I keep his stuff away. He couldn't remember when he last ate? He couldn't recall whether he had lunch? He was grouchy and perhaps violent in his thoughts and speech. He asked to be wiped constantly and it was taking a toll on me. I was staying next house but I was home alone with my daughter who is young. I couldn't be at his every beck and call. My mother was working and there wasn't anyone in the house who could stay with him constantly
During the last week of Apr, he couldn't bathe himself anymore. I had to do it for him. He was in great pain. Finally on the 1st May, he asked to go to hospital. I checked him in and and the hospital did an Xray on him that very night. It was discovered that he had some inflammation in his right lung. As for the pain, the hospital couldn't say anything more til further tests had been done. The following tues, the doc called me with news of his cancer spreading. It had spread to his lungs and kidneys. I did not react. Perhaps I was in denial. I went home and told only my husband. I would tell my brother later that night.
I visited my father nearly every weekdays , weekends would be covered by my brother and on tues, my mother is off. So I told her to go see him. Every few days, the team of docs would take turns to call me and update me on my father's conditions. It was the H1N1 period, and visiting hours was very much restricted. Every week brings more bad news. 1 day, his chemo doc called me and asked me whether is there any wishes of his yet to be fulfilled. I told her yes, we had agreed to be in Australia this coming Sept for my sister's convocation. It was what he was waiting for. His doc told me that she don't think my father is going to make it for the trip. I did not asked her what she had meant at that time. Come to think of it, perhaps I myself was not prepared for the answer. She said the next best thing would be to ask my sister to come home. I told her I wasn't sure whether she could as it was her final exams.
I called my sister and she cried. But we agreed that she would come back as soon as her papers ends. Which would be after 19th June.
On the 15th May, his chemo doc called for a meeting with us. She sat down with my mother and me in the meeting room. She wanted to know about the aftercare for my father's after he is discharged from the hospital. What course are we taking? etc. By this time, my father is no longer mobile. and has lost his ability to control his bowels. The doc says that there are a few options that we could chose. 1st would be a hospice, where he would be cared for round the clock. And it would be easier for more visitors who wants to come and see him. 2nd would be to sign up for visits by the hospice. the nurse and doc would drop by on a weekly basis. This is good if there is someone to stay with my father constantly. But the caregiver would be very stressful as not only my dad is not mobile, he is now on morphine to ease his pains. The dosage would have to be monitored closely. Finally it was decided that Hospice would be the "Ideal' choice. But I wasn't sure. I told the doc and the social worker that I don't want my dad to feel that he has no choice, or that he is a burden to us, So if he is not willing to go, then we would look at other options like engaging a nurse etc.
When I saw him at the ward later, he told me that he wanted to go to hospice as he feels that it was an ideal place for him to recuperate and gets well. He told me that the minute he gets well, that is when he wants to go home. I choked. I couldn't help it. I told him not to feel obligated, if he doesn't wants to go, then I wouldn't let him go. But he had already made up his mind. That 's my Dad. That night as I spoke to my sister on the phone, I told her I cannot bear to let him go to the hospice. We both kept quiet for a while.That weekend, my dad uttered his last poke at my dressing. I had wore a black stripe Ts and teamed it with a bubble short. He asked me why hadn't I washed them? I told him I hadn't wore them for a while. He says I looks like a jailbird!!! I jokingly replied where can you find such a stylish one?
The following mon, the doc at the hospice inform me that they have a bed for my father on wed .He asked me whether do I have an idea what hospice is about. I told him I do have a rough idea. He stresses that hospice are different form hospital. In hospice, the patient's well being and comfort comes first. I kept quiet. I knew what he was driving at.
On wed, I arrived particularly earlier than usual. I wanted to pack my dad's stuff and to collect his follow ups appointments and his medicine. And also most importantly, it was my father's 66th birthday. But he was impatient and had wanted to get to the hospice quickly. I told him we have to wait as it would be the ambulance who is taking us there. I had bought 2 slices of cakes. 1 of it was his favourite Mango but he was in no mood to eat them. He just wanted to get to the hospice. It was 2 plus in the afternoon when we finally arrived at the hospice. As he was being checked by the docs and nurses. i waited outside. My husband had arrived by this time. The docs and social worker wanted to talked to us. We were ushered into a room and the docs updated us of their findings. Again they asked me what was his last wish and I replied to go to Australia for my sister's graduation. He asked me whether is there any plans for my sister to come back before Sept? I said yes, she is coming back in June after her papers to see him as I have updated her on the current situation. He then asked why don't I asked my sister to come back and see him now? I said I don't think she can do that as it is the midst of her papers. He next asked me 3 questions which stumped me. He asked me when was the last time my sis saw him,and whether was he still able to walk? I said they last saw each other in Feb and he had send her off at the airport. He asked me wouldn't it be too traumatising for my sister to come back in June and see our father like this? I kept quiet for a while. I agreed with the docs. the doc says if necessary, he could pen a letter asking the school to excuse my sister. I told him I would check with her that night. I went back to my dad. He was starting to be even more disoriented. He wants to get up and walk. He couldn't managed to sit up. My husband has to support him. He couldn't eat much, let alone his birthday cakes. I only managed to feed him 2 small mouth of banana. It was already difficult for him to swallow by then.
What we decided that night was my sister would try to fly in on Thurs as her last papers of the week on was Thurs. It was winter time in Australia and she couldn't get a flight out on Thurs. The earliest would be on Fri night.
I spend Thurs afternoon with my father. I got a shock when I reach his bed and it was empty. I asked the other patients but they all did not know where has he gone. I rushed to the nurse station, only to find my father strapped to a nursing chair. He had spend the whole night and morning there as he wouldn't lie still, was restless. The nurses has no choice but to put him where he could be supervised 24 hours. My heart broke to see him like this. He stirred when I called him. I asked for his permission to trim his nails as I know he likes to keep it neat. But he wants to do it himself. But his vision was starting to fail him too. I told him I would do a good job for him. He then relented. As I trims his nails, tears was rolling down but I dared not make a noise or to wipe them away. My heart was so heavy. I had brought his papers but he says he was too tired to read. I offered to read it loud for him.As I started reading, I noticed he had fallen asleep again. I knew the morphine was making him sleepy. I stayed til evening that day. But he was sleeping most of the time. I fed him 2 spoons of wintermelon soup and he doesn't want it anymore.
On Friday, my Friend P was with me. She volunteered to come with me as she knew I could do with some company. When we reached there, one of the Doc requested to see me. We were again ushered into a room. There the doc asked me once again when is my sis coming back and I said that very night! She said' good!' As my dad is deteriorating fast, she was afraid that he might slip into a coma within these 2 days! After the doc left the room, I cried. P was consoling me. And I blurted out I do believe in miracles. I mean I do know my dad is fighting a losing battle but for me, there is a small part inside my heart that makes me feel he might recover and goes home. He never managed to eat anymore food nor drink starting from that day
As I leave my father that night, I told him to wait for me the next day. It was Saturday and I am going to bring him a present! Something that he would like very much. it took him a lot of effort to answer me. He said " Ok, I will wait for U"
I went to fetch my sister at 9pm. As the hospice would not allow visitors after 8.30pm, we couldn't go immediately. i told my sister to get rest. She will need it for tomorrow. that night, I couldn't sleep. I think deep inside me, I knew my dad's health was failing me fast. I was so afraid that he couldn't wait for me. I was afraid my mobile would ring and bring the bad news I dread. I think it was 4 plus in the morning when I slept.
We went to the hospice late morning. I told my sister to get dressed in brightly colored clothes. I wanted to create a happy and cheerful ambience. When we reach, I walked in, followed by my sister. My usual routine was to touch my dad gently and try to arouse him from his deep sleep. I will hold his right hand and massage it, follow by his left hand. The morning as I hold his right hand, I can feeling him stirring, I told him "Pa, I am here. Can U open your eyes?" He opened his eyes, and I can feel that he was listening to me first. I continued saying" Remember I told you I will bring a present for you? Can U stretch out your left hand and feel it?" He obeyed and when my sister grasped his hand and called him. I saw the unbelievable expression on his face. He tried to sit up but he couldn't. He wanted to see her clearly. So he did the next best thing, he let go of my hand and using 2 hands, he cupped my sister's face closer to him. I knew from that very moment, my dad couldn't see clearly anymore. These few days, he has been listening to me, rather than seeing me! At that moment, I left the room as I feel that that day belong to my sister and him. I had him for the past few months. Whatever I wanted to say had already been said, I sat outside waiting. As I sat there waiting, the doc who was on standby came over and we starts to chat. A while later, we went in. The doc told us she would try to arrange a private room for us sop that we can spend more time with him. My heart sank! Private room means only 1 thing in hospice. That my dad has very little time left and it is meant for people who wants to come and say their last goodbyes. He was sedated heavily as it was getting hard for him to breathe. But he did not go back to sleep. Maybe he knew the end is coming., but finds it hard to talk . He just lay there wide eyed. We only left as he closed his eyes to sleep. It was the most difficult lunch we had. Both me and my sister has no idea what to eat yet we know we must eat so that we have enough energy to go on.
After we came back from lunch, my dad was in deep sleep. He had already been moved to a single room. 2 of my aunts came. They said prayers and sing hymms to him. They urged him to open his eyes to see them. But he did not. It was 5 plus when they left. I told my father that they left with promises to come back the next day. He was still sleeping. Then suddenly he opens his eyes and starts having difficulties breathing. He was struggling and panicky. I held his right hand while my sister held the other hand. We were trying to calm him down but we couldn't. In the end, we have no choice but to ask the nurse to come in and gave him a jab to stabilize him., We left the room while she was doing her job. Less than 5 minutes later, the nurse came out and hold my hands. She told me that his organs are failing rapidly! I shake my head. I couldn't believe it. No! This is what I wanted to shout at her. I asked her what makes her, in her capabilty as a nurse, said my dad's is failing fast? She told me" Girl! Trust me, I have seen enough. Now you must spend time with him because it is any moment now. I ran into the room crying. My sister was in tears too. We cried and hold his hands. He closes his eyes for the final time with us holding his hands. The time was 5.45pm. We cried and then I remember my son who couldn't come as he was having a fever. I called him and told him what had happened and now he must tell grandfather to be strong and that he loves him. Ryan did that and I could see from the corner of my dad's right eyes, a tear rolls down. I told my dad if U can hear, so please be strong. Don't be afraid. We are here.
By this time, my mother had arrived and was creating a din in her usual ways. In her constricted and narrow mind, old folks wives tales had began to overtake her senses. She was wailing, cursing and scolding him at the same time. I was angry and upset. I told my father not to worry about us anymore, we are all grown ups and we should be responsible for ourselves. I whispered to him if the going is too hard, then it is ok to let go. We will understand as he has done his best. It broke my heart to tell him that but I think he needs to be assured. I urged my siblings to follow suit. I told my father what I remembered from my childhood. I told him I loved him and I would remember the things he told me. At 8pm, the nurse urged me to spilt into 2 teams. One to stay behind, another to go home, bathe and come back here. It makes sense. I told my brother to take my sister and my mother home as I have no wish for my mother to interrupt the peace my dad was seeking. My sister already said she would stay the night and I would accompany her. Now I will stay behind with my husband first. They went on their way. I went in and continue to massage my dad. and to talk to him. During this time 2 other aunts came and again they said prayers. They told him that he had already found the way that he was seeking. and that Jesus will welcome him if he allows HIM to. I think my dad felts better after hearing them, I could feel it in his breathing. At 8.30 plus, my aunts want to go home, I told my dad I would walk them out and also to run to the car to retrieve my mobile. And that he has to wait for me. I don't want him to feel alone. As I walks out, I informed the nurse that I just need a couple of minutes to take something from my car. She nodded and ask me to be quick. I said ok. As soon as I took my phone, I walked back. As I walks back, I saw the nurse waving at me wildly, I sprinted to her. She grabbed me by the shoulders and told me" U must and have to be strong! I think he just stopped breathing!" I shakes my head in misbelief. It can't be. I was gone for less than 5mins, and I told him to wait for me!!! That was me raging inside! I am here because I don't want him to feel alone and be afraid. So how could he do this to me? She said she has to do some checks to make sure. I sat down and tried to calm myself now. I was breathing rapidly. After she did everything, She turned and tell me that the time he passed on was 8.40 pm. I started tearing uncontrollably. I screamed at my father's body!" How could you do this to me? I was just away for a while and I told you to wait for me! Why didn't you wait? How could you?"
The rest of the family had turned back and my 2 aunts who just left came back too. As I stared at my father's body, I told myself that he is no longer in pain and he is now in a better place. He had fight a good battle and is now at peace. Suddenly my knees went weak and I was so tired that I just wanted to go home and lie down. I hadn't slept well for the past 1month, and I certainly hasn't been eating well. It was over and I just want to go home, bathe and crawled into my bed.