My father in my dream

Every now and then, I still lapsed into my darker moods. Although the frequency is no longer that short. Sometimes when I pass by the place where my father last lay or when he came home for the last time, I just couldn't managed to suppress the lump in my throat.
Never did I dream that when I took the lift down with him that day when I send him to the hospital, it would also be the last time. he be standing next to me, the last time he went out, and that he would never come home alive. Sometimes I do blame myself. For not being attentive enough, taking things for granted, for keep thinking things would get better. Also for telling him that. Honestly I don't know whether are things truly better?
I am bitter when I hear laughter coming from his flat. I am bitter over a lot of things. Like she wearing bright red not too long after the funeral, she dying and perming her hair. Of course these are her rights. I scanned her face to see whether can I detect a hinge of sadness or something that would made me believe that I was wrong. I don't see it. I wanted badly and needed to know at least she was sad over losing my father, her husband. I did not. To her, it was business as usual. I try not to get angry. I am really trying. The part when I wrote about trying to be nicer to my mother hadn't yet take shape. I don't know why is it so difficult for me! But it truly is. Each time when I am harsh to her, the minute the words left my mouth, I regretted immediately. I have to do better
I have a relative gathering to go to this coming Saturday. I am not keen on going because whenever I joined. I feel this ache inside me. Everyone in that family is so tolerant of each other, they are very giving. They are always having fun and laughing. they enjoyed each other's company and this is what I feel a family should be. Sadly, I never have this feeling when I was growing up. I always feel like I have to watch my words. I never have this type of intimacy and now that my father is gone, it will never materialize.
I did not really keep track of dates but I found out the reason for my dark mood yesterday was because it was the 2nd month anniversary of my father's demise. He appeared to me in my dream. In it, he appear as his post surgery self. Thinner and almost bald. But he was not frail. In my dream, we were at this place when it is crowded and there was this counter that people could chose to collect money. When my father's turn came, the person behind the counter ask him whether he wants to collect everything, my father replied yes because he wants to distribute it. After that he turn to me and said " This way, your mother can't say I never left anything behind!" I was astonished! I must have mumbled something, as he asked me why? What is the matter? Didn't U get anything? U want to talk to her? When I woke up, I can't remember what else happened after that.
Was it a case of bearing grudges against my mother that is why even in my dream, I had thought of telling my father the truth?