6/7/2009

I can't think of a good title for this post so I will tentatively named it as today's date. Hadn't been doing a lot of stuff. Had been a rainy day so it was cooling for a change. The ID came over in the afternoon to discuss what are the changes I would like to make in my dinning area and living room. As I was going through the drawings, I was once again reminded of my father. He was still here when I had my bedrooms revamped and change of the kitchen cabinets. At that time he was already diagnosed with the illness and was going through radiation therapy. Still he makes a habit to come over to my flat each day to 'supervise' as my husband likes to calls it. Now as I am preparing to revamp my living and dinning area, he is no longer able to do that for me.
Actually I can't help it, I can't help thinking of him on most days. It is not I am not able to walk out , to face up to the reality without him around. I mean I can laugh and carry out my normal activities but somehow or rather, there will always be stuff, waiting to remind me of him. Like when I spot a lizard in the house the other night. the 1st thing that comes to my mind was who is going to help me clear the lizard should I 'exterminates' it? Since young, I always have a phobia of lizards, well, in fact all crawlies. I think I inherited this behaviour from my mother. My father has always be my hero. He was always there to rescue me. Even when I grow up and is brave enough to kill it. I hadn't mustered the courage to pick it up and throw it away. My dad usually do it for me. Now that he is gone, I just have to do it myself or ask my husband to do it for me.
Today I met up with my auntie ( My father's younger sister ) She was curious and wanted to know whether did I dreamt of my dad after he is gone. Actually I did and usually I like talking about my dreams with him inside but today I didn't feel like talking about it. Perhaps I was tired and also I was very affected by the discovery of the note that my dad had written.
Last week, a letter from the CPF board came in, telling me I was one of the nominated few who was entitled to remaining CPF and shares. When I read it's contents, I wept. I hadn't anticipated this. I mean, when he was still alive. He hadn't told me about this. he had only verbally says what was to be divided in the bank account that I held with him. He had told my sister exactly the same thing. The same proportion that he told me. So our stories tally. But now my mother is insisting this wasn't what he told her. Somehow I have this feeling that my dad had already anticipates this and that was why my name was included instead of my mother's. Anyway I am not letting this bother me too much I figure she will try to lay her hands on it sooner or later but as long as I stand firm then I guess there is nothing she can do about it. She will cry, use tactics, use filial piety or emotional blackmail. But I will hold fast to it. At least this is what I can do for my sister.
I was wrong when I labelled one of my earlier blog ' A father's last gift'. I don't think it is suitable for it now. I have come to realize that perhaps there is no last gift. His wisdom , love and understanding of me was the best gift to me. And I shall forever hold it dearly in my heart.