Pain and anguish and enlightenment? Perhaps.

That night when we reached home, after I put Amber to bed, I took out some of the papers that I salvaged from my father's suitcase. This suitcase has been with my father for a long time. But as old age catches up with him, I think he forgot the combination numbers to the lock. I hadn't seen him opening it for years. After his demise, my mother wanted to break open the suitcase and see what was inside. I objected. This was because I feel it was a sign of disrespect. And also I wanted to know what numbers my father had used. It was important to me as it would tell me why it was that particular combinations that he used. I wanted to try all the combination numbers. I figured it wasn't too hard as there were only 3 rolls of numbers so there could only be 999 combinations. I tried for a few days to open it, starting from 000 to 999. All the numbers did not work. I think it was because the lock was old and hadn't been opened for a while. I gave up after a week. In the end , I pried it open. Inside the case, there wasn't a lot of things. Just some documents and old pictures. There were also bank drafts stating he had send money in the 80s to my grandfather's relatives in China. Old letters to a pen pal from Taiwan.There were 2 certs stating that he had attended a silkscreen and a Chinese shorthand course. One of the certs had his picture glued on it. I rescued the certs and the old pictures. I am sure if I don't do it, all contents would be thrown down the rubbish chute. True enough, after I handed the contents to my mother, she took a glance at them and threw them down the rubbish chute. At that moment, I just wish I had saved more. My heart ached in that instant.
As my sister and I were going through those pictures, my sister found a diary note that my dad had written years ago. Inside the note, he wrote of the change in my mother. And the pains he went through. It was written in Chinese and some of the characters doesn't make sense to 2 of us, We re read it over and over again and try to piece it up. But all we could managed was to guess and have a brief outline of the events. I do have some collections of it as I am the oldest among my siblings. I told my sister that and also I recalled my dad mentioning it before. I had put it aside. But at that moment, my heart went all out to my father as I imagined the agony he must have gone through at that time. My perception of the letter was he had contemplate divorcing her and if it wasn't us, I think he might. I told my sister that night, that at that time when things was bad, I had already made up my mind that I would chose to go with my dad should my parents divorced!
As I had mentioned before my relationship with my mother has always been rocky. I often envied my friends who had fantastic conversations with my their mothers and fun shopping trips. I can't remember the last time that I had a good conversation with my mother. Or whether did we ever ? Each time, we ended up having a shouting match! Or the frequent scenario would be she asking me about something, and I would grunt or mumble some inaudible reply. Days after my dad's death, I had told myself I would try hard to be nice to her. But it is hard. She wasn't not the easiest person to get along with. A lot of times, the things she do is beyond my comprehension!
I didn't really sleep well that night. My heart was pounding fast. and it was the wee hours in the morning before I finally come to the conclusion. I decide not to pursue the contents of the note anymore. I would remember it and put it away to the back of my mind. I knew at that time, it must have been very painful for my dad, which is why he wrote it down. And now I know and understand his pain. But my dad is gone now. In my heart, he has gone to heaven and is no suffering from the emotions of this world . Whatever he had gone through in his lifetime, is gone too together with his demise.I promised to myself to try hard to forgive my mother for the pain and suffering she had put my father through over the years. I think this would be what my dad wants to. Maybe also when I try to forgive, my heart is not so heavy and in learning to forgive, this might be a way to redeem myself??