Loss for words

I had a huge fight with my mother last night. She accused me of not daring to face her. I was like, what? What is there not able to face her? What have I done wrong again? , I shoot back I told her what is it that I have done that I dare not faced her? Her accusations came out fast and furious. She said I had used the money that my dad left to renovate, that I had use it for my personal means! I was furious! What the hell was she talking about? I already told her before that the renovations was paid for my FIL. And it was already in progress, long way before my dad had entrusted the money to me. The project got delayed because of materials arrivals, my dad's sickness and of course, logistics. Why had she distorted all these and in her sick mind, it became very clear to her that I had 'used' the money. I screamed at her. I wasn't going to take this lying down, why should I let her scream at me? I am capable of retaliating. That I am ashamed to admit but it was the case last night! I was so angry that I could have throttled her to death and not feel remorse. that was how angry I am. I told her she is mad and that she should go and see a doctor!
I slammed the gate and left her place. I guess this is it. This is the last straw! I had enough of it. I wonder why my own mother is like that? Why she like to distort the truth? Why is she out to make life miserable for me?
Actually I half guess in my mind, I know the reason for her outburst! I think she wants to pissed me off, so that I will just throw the bank book at her face and give her what she wants. She had always wants to be in control and she do not like it when she realised that my dad had opened a bank account with me. I wanted to scream at her and tell her straight in her face, that she was the evil one. She was the one who had benefited from his death! If he had wanted to let her be in charge of the money, he would have done so, long ago. Instead I am the executor of this! All because of her obsession with money! And honestly speaking, it is not as if she had never been conned out of her life time saving by her so called friends, so what if I had really taken the money? At least I am her own daughter! She is forever calculative with me! But towards others, she is forever tolerant! And will make excuses for herself and others but never me!
My cousin,her nephew stayed in her house for years, he did not pay rent. He is a flight attendant who is entitled to free air travel! Why don't I see him taking her for holidays?Or paying her rent? And why doesn't she make noise about it, there is not even a slight whine from her. She hates dogs yet she let him keep a dog at home! What are all these?
I called my sis after the fight! I called her a fucking bitch! Yes! That is what she is. And I am not sorry that I called her names! Because in my heart, she has already deteriorated to this. It feels like she is out for my throat and she is not my mother anymore. I cried, not because I am angry, but I came to realised that I am no body's child now. As I later put it out on my FB, I am an orphan now.
Honestly I should have seen this coming! I knew what type of a person she is, and what she will do to get her way! I grew up, with embarrassment, She like to shoot off her mouth, regardless whether she knew the person or not, she just likes to blah out personal things. She never realised that it had been a major sore point and being her children, we have never like to be seen in public with her.
I pitied my dad who had to put up with her for years! I am not surprised that she was the main reason why he fell so sick! Studies had proven that if U are unhappy for a long period of time, the tendency of developing cancer tumours are very high! My dad must have regretted his marriage. He wrote letters and I had read it after his death,. It torn me apart , to know he was in so much agony. He must have find it painful but he put up with her because of us. I do not know why he wrote those letters and kept it in his suitcase. I don't think he mean to let us know but how how, fate works in mysterious ways. As i reread those letters, I cried and cried. And I guess this is also part of the reason why I never get over his death!The only reason I could come up with was because my grandfather had dementia and it was hereditary, so my guess was my dad wrote all these down to remind himself of the difficult times and perhaps also to remember. I hate her. I used to think that I should try to get along with her, for the sake that she is my mother and I had wanted to give her the best that I could afford. But time after time, she has destroyed my hopes and goals. i often asked myself why is it so difficult about spending time with her, Why can't we go out and have tea and talk about anything under the sun? Why isn't she the one that will come to my mind whenever I need comfort or support? I knew her reaction will always be " I told U so!" She will never offer her arms or her ears to listen. And she will forever go on and on about her cleverness in foretelling or knowing the end results. I put up with it, because I am always hopeful. I always hope that one day she will be like others' mummies and we will have a sort of normal mother and daughter's relationship. But this time it is different, I am mot even angry anymore. I just given up hope. This time round, she has crossed the line. Honestly I don't see us making up after this. For she had insulted me, she had very bluntly said I am dishonest and am a thief so therefore I am not at liberal to forgive her.