Last year this time

Last few weeks had been quite a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. Maybe it is also the weather gettiing to me. It had been so hot for the past weeks that I felt that I am melting. So of course I have exploded a few times.
Going back to last year this time, or rather today last year would be the day that I send off my father on his last journey. I have been trying to recap what was happening on the everyday's events. Most times, I still weep a little because maybe I hadn't truly come to terms with him really gone for good. Some time, I still feel that he will come to my bedroom to see what was I doing, and some nights, I thought I do feel him around, in my semi sleeping state.
I guess I will never come to that peacefulness realm, regarding his passing. Each time I think of it, there is still a certain dull ache inside me. As i had posted on my facebook on 20thMay ( My father would have turned 67 )

" Time may have passed since we last say goodbye. The ache still linger but is no longer piercing through. Instead, a dull pain is all that remains. Everyday, I try to think a little lesser of u, it is hard but I am learning. On this very day, I hope u know that I remember. Happy birthday to u "


It is true, I am thinking lesser of him, and the pain is no longer that intense but thinking lesser doesn't mean the ache will go away. I think it will stay with me forever although I can't guarantee that I will remember much when I am in an old and dementia state. lol SO I would be better off writing this down and re reading it whenever I like.

I went to Mandai on Sunday with my brother. My father's niche looks so dirty with ashes all over. A case of spillover from Qing Ming festival ( The Chinese remembrance month ) I had to clean a few times before I got it clean and shiny again. I think if he is able to feel again, he would have been appalled at the state of his photo! At my next visit I would have to remember to buy new plastic flwers for my grand parents niche too as I had gotten them nice pink cherry blosoms but alas it, too got attacked by the over zealous ashes from offerings. Now it is looking quite sad!
My brother placed the fresh flowers onto the allocated spot. I had derouted to my girlfriend;s niche first to placed some flowers as it would have been her 1 year anniversary departure too. I walked into my brither's crying. When he realised that I was around, he quickly sniffed and pretend that he is having a cold. I don't know what to make out of this. But perhaps, a tad too late. If he had paid more attention to my father then, maybe , just maybe ..... it would have been so much better for them.