New year, New hope and New begining

1st day of the year. Let me start by recounting the old year. I remember my wish for last year was for my dad to go through chemo successfully and better results for Ryan. Alas, both did not came through. Friends and family members had let me down. I felt like I was shouldering the whole world! I dread calls coming through my mobile. I had difficulty sleeping which is very very seldom. I feel like I was living in a world of my own (well, most times. Especially when I walked back from the hospital after visiting my father)
My dad succumbed to his illness in May. It was difficult for me to get used to the idea that he wasn't going to be around anymore. I was miserable although I wasn't sure whether is it normal to feel this way or was I exaggerating my pain? Was it bitterness directed at my mother or was it self pity? Bitterness because of the way my mother had treated my father before and after his death. The things she did and said to others that make me felt very repulsive towards her. Self pity for myself as my father was no longer here with me and couldn't hear me grumble or nag. I told myself I am too young to lose my father! The things he would have said to me, and do for me, the visits to his doctors, and perhaps his corny jokes etc.... Oh, before I forgot, his afternoon karaoke sessions. All these and so much more.
Ryan did not do as well as I had hoped. Although it was disappointing, I had since reconciled to it. At least he did not do as badly as he would have if given his choice! I will be spending even lesser time with him in 2010 as I will be going back to work. Hopefully he will grow up a little and study a bit more. He could have achieved so much better if he would just put his head down to studying a little harder. And Ryan! if U happen to be reading, I hope U will understand I have so much hope for U. I still do and U can do it if U are willingly to.
Although I hated and dread the idea of Amber going to school so young, I guess there is no better way as there are no other choices or options left. When they bought the subject up in Sept, I was originally led to believed that the kids would be taken care of by my PILS. As put across during that meeting, BIL said that since they would both be available, they would look after the 2 kids. naturally I felt better. I said that would be most ideal as Ryan is having PSLE and if there was someone to nag him ,at least I can be sure that he will study. and also his tuitons, I would need them to ferry him if necessary. That wasn't the best that I can come up with but at least I feel I can trust MIL. Anyway, throughout that meeting, PILS did not say anything at all. They just start there stony faced, which I found it puzzling, given MIL's 'spicy' loud character. It is surprising that she said nothing. Anyway to cut a story short, 2 mths after that, she asked me why am I not and when am I putting Amber to full day child care? Honestly even though I have half suspect that she is not willing to play the role of the doting grandma. I was still hit. I replied I actually has no intention to put her through full day child care. I want her to just go for half day lessons. And also with full day childcare, there is higher cost to it. She told me not in these exact words but something like she would not be able to do that. Blah Blah Blah. And it is best Amber goes to a full day as she would be able to learn instead of doing nothing at home etc. The list came loud and fast. So in short, no one to lie back on. As I let out a grumble to T that night. I said I wasn't actually upset at anyone in particular but at the way things turn out. It hit me BIL did not discuss anything with PILS prior to talking to me. He was acting out his eldest son's role. He wanted his parents to retired from work completely. He took for granted that his parents will take care of their only 2 grandkids but it is only his own personal thinking and they would not. It is so him. I felt I had raised my hopes too fast and too high. I had been naive to believe in that instant that I could rely on others. So perhaps I was upset with myself! Of course, given FIL's wanderlust character and MIL's unwillingness to settle into domestic goddess. I am left with no other options.
As the year draws to a close, I asked myself whether am I looking forward to a brand new year, a new house decor, a job and Ryan's incoming PSLE. Honestly I am not too sure. But I cannot not look forward and wish for the best. So wish me luck